Fabulouskel
Excited, nervous, anxious, and calm. Really?
Apr 17, 2009
I will have my banding on April 23, 2009. Allow me to type that again...I will have my banding on April 23, 2009.
I am so many things at so many times right now. I am excited and scared all at once. It's very much like the roller coaster- so scary and fun all at once.
My current stats are 5'5" and 289. BMI somewhere around 44, maybe 45. I dunno. Not really paying attention to that.
I am 40 years old and literally tired of being fat. I am not an inactive person either. As much as my mind would like to do something; my knees and back say no. Fortunately with the job, insurance covers it. It's a gift, really. A chance to be the outer version of what I picture.
I'm having the process done at NWWLS in Everett, WA. Dr. Montgomery will be the surgeon. I hear from several folks that he's great. I'll take their word on that. They have been nothing but positive about their experience.
I've never known my adult body to be under 200 pounds. I was 200 pounds at 13 years old. I gained to 268 and graduated that weight in HS. I lost back to 200 pounds when I was 22 (my biggest was 320). I've not seen 200 since. I've been close (224) but that's it. Now I will see it and I will pass it by. THAT excites me.
I am experiencing feelings of failure, however. If I tried a little harder. If I stopped when I was full. IF, IF , IF. I know I'm not the only one whose gone through that. My friends/family are torn about it. "We think you're beautiful just the way you are" or "you're lovely already". These were the same family members who offered me money to lose weight ( I was 10 and cornered. FUN!). "How will you get a boyfriend/husband?" (I'm gay, so THAT cracks me up. My partner is awesome and supports me in all things). Or my favorite, "you have such a pretty face, if only you lost the weight". Or from my Aunt one night through a haze of white wine "nobody f**ks a face, kel". That was definitely a morale booster to lose weight. I ran to the bedroom and trhough a haze of tears, consumed a box of Sugar Snap cereal. I think I was 17 at the time and thought I was hideous, would die alone, and broken hearted with a houseful of dogs. At least they could feast on my large carcass.
I have forgiven my family a long time ago. They were concern trolling, really. They were horrified as they saw a fat kid- young adult- adult and we're really wishing the best but not knowing how to express or help or just be supportive of my life, in general. I assume they were projecting all sorts of horrible things that have been tought to them over the years. Fat is bad. Fat bodies are bad and unloveable. I call shennanigans. Fat bodies or not bad or unloveable. They just are. I am a fat acceptance activist who is having lap-band surgery. THAT is a conflict I am just starting to scratch.
So here I am, grinding through my 800 calorie-week-before surgery diet. I feel light-headed and I miss my friend food. I am letting it go like a friend who has died. Mourning at it's best. That friend was toxic and abusive and it's time for it to go. I am doing the work emotionally. That is the most important tool for me; allow the feelings to come and wash over and let them go. To acutally experience the feelings with integrity. Possibly for the first time in my life.
Honestly, I'm thrilled to be here. . I can't wait to see what's next.
~Fabulouskel
0 comments
I am so many things at so many times right now. I am excited and scared all at once. It's very much like the roller coaster- so scary and fun all at once.
My current stats are 5'5" and 289. BMI somewhere around 44, maybe 45. I dunno. Not really paying attention to that.
I am 40 years old and literally tired of being fat. I am not an inactive person either. As much as my mind would like to do something; my knees and back say no. Fortunately with the job, insurance covers it. It's a gift, really. A chance to be the outer version of what I picture.
I'm having the process done at NWWLS in Everett, WA. Dr. Montgomery will be the surgeon. I hear from several folks that he's great. I'll take their word on that. They have been nothing but positive about their experience.
I've never known my adult body to be under 200 pounds. I was 200 pounds at 13 years old. I gained to 268 and graduated that weight in HS. I lost back to 200 pounds when I was 22 (my biggest was 320). I've not seen 200 since. I've been close (224) but that's it. Now I will see it and I will pass it by. THAT excites me.
I am experiencing feelings of failure, however. If I tried a little harder. If I stopped when I was full. IF, IF , IF. I know I'm not the only one whose gone through that. My friends/family are torn about it. "We think you're beautiful just the way you are" or "you're lovely already". These were the same family members who offered me money to lose weight ( I was 10 and cornered. FUN!). "How will you get a boyfriend/husband?" (I'm gay, so THAT cracks me up. My partner is awesome and supports me in all things). Or my favorite, "you have such a pretty face, if only you lost the weight". Or from my Aunt one night through a haze of white wine "nobody f**ks a face, kel". That was definitely a morale booster to lose weight. I ran to the bedroom and trhough a haze of tears, consumed a box of Sugar Snap cereal. I think I was 17 at the time and thought I was hideous, would die alone, and broken hearted with a houseful of dogs. At least they could feast on my large carcass.
I have forgiven my family a long time ago. They were concern trolling, really. They were horrified as they saw a fat kid- young adult- adult and we're really wishing the best but not knowing how to express or help or just be supportive of my life, in general. I assume they were projecting all sorts of horrible things that have been tought to them over the years. Fat is bad. Fat bodies are bad and unloveable. I call shennanigans. Fat bodies or not bad or unloveable. They just are. I am a fat acceptance activist who is having lap-band surgery. THAT is a conflict I am just starting to scratch.
So here I am, grinding through my 800 calorie-week-before surgery diet. I feel light-headed and I miss my friend food. I am letting it go like a friend who has died. Mourning at it's best. That friend was toxic and abusive and it's time for it to go. I am doing the work emotionally. That is the most important tool for me; allow the feelings to come and wash over and let them go. To acutally experience the feelings with integrity. Possibly for the first time in my life.
Honestly, I'm thrilled to be here. . I can't wait to see what's next.
~Fabulouskel
