The ball is rolling...

Apr 12, 2014

Whether the ball is rolling uphill or down, I am not sure at this point however!  Since this is my first post where do I start?  At the beginning of my weight issues, or at the point where I gave in to the idea of WLS as my last hope... hmmm.  Warning, long story, psych stuff etc.

I was raised in Northwestern Wisconsin.  We were poor, dirt poor, on welfare and my mom and stepdad sold marijuana.  Step dad was a hopeless alcoholic and we lived in a very depressed economic region.  I was a thin but tall child.  Up until the age of 12 I really didn't have any weight issues at all.  Once I hit puberty however I did get larger but for my frame it was still within normal limits but I started filling out so that I had hips and size D breasts by 14.  My step dad was a very negative person, and I was his scapegoat for everything.  He called me every name in the book as well as Fat, lardass, cow, etc.  I was severely depressed through those teen years and had no treatment.  I daydreamed about his death in a car accident or woodcutting mishap.  I prayed my mom would survive and he would go away.  I spent nights imagining being anyone else but me.  I lived for the time I spent at my grandparents houses, or my aunts.  They loved me and treated me very well as any child should be.  

I went to live with my dad at the age of 14 for two years.  He was stable, an RN, and I learned what it was like just to be a teenager wihtout having to babysit and cook and clean the whole house and be the brunt of abuse both mentally and physically.  When I moved home to Wisconsin because I missed my family ( I was in Texas) I soon moved in with my aunt and step grandmother later as living at my moms was not an option.  I gained up to 267 as a junior having been 175-200 at 5'11" while in Texas wearing a size 9/10 to 12.  I dieted on low fat no more than 30 fat grams a day with my stepgma and went to 218.  I stayed around 210-225 for a few years at size 14 and through my pregnancies (I only gained 18 and 15 pounds with each one and then was less than pre-pregnancy before leaving hospital).  With my second child though, I had very tumultuous times with their father who sexually abused my 14 year old sister and whom I placed in jail. I was size 16 to 18 here. My depression returned having not been there for many years.  I did seek counseling and turned to my religion/spirituality and felt better. I worked, came home and did not live for anything else.  I gained up to 280s.

Then I found love in an unexpected place, online.  I wrote, called and chatted with someone who was from Wisconsin, living in Alaska, who had had a bad relationship recently as well.  We met in a chat room, no intention of looking for love, became friends and then it just grew for several months from Oct of 2000 to May of 2001.  He flew home to go to his sisters graduation, and spend time with me.  It was a hit, I sold everything I could, put in notice at my job, and left town for Alaska two weeks after he had flown back.  I felt wonderful.  My relationship with him has had its ups and downs, just like any, but never has there been a day long argument or disagreement, never has any problem progressed to that point.  We always make up if we have a blow out argument, there isn't any abuse, in fact I am the one more prone to name calling and asking for divorce when things go bad, thats my own issues though.  He has been here for the long haul.  I went from 280s to 300s and stayed at 305 for years.  Dieted down, went up, dieted down, went up.  Then the scale creeped to 325 in nursing school.  Lost that, stayed around 300 after regaining a bit again.  Then it hit 340-350 in 2010.  Lost down to 279.  Then gained back to 335.  Then 350-365.  Then dieted and lost another 20 pounds, then quit.  Then gained up to 397 in December.  I was diagnosed with Hypertension and put on medication.  Had slightly low thyroid, started on Synthroid.  I traveled to Wisconsin twice last summer, once with my kids and hubby and once alone.  I was ok with the kids sitting next to me, we can touch and squish closer in the seating... I DREADED my two flights alone.  Not only was the extender needed, of course, but I was in physical pain trying to squish between the armrests.  They severely bit into my thighs.  I had a very hard time trying to find how to raise the one nearest the isle so that I could get some relief so most of the flight until then I was embarrassed and in pain.  I spent a long time up by the bathrooms just standing to get relief.  That was in October last year.  By this December and through to March I had WLS on my mind a lot.  I had given up my gym membership because I had quit using it over the summer. 

My husband is very decently fit.  He rides his bike 20+ miles very often.  He has always said "calories in and calories out".  He hikes up mountains with the kids on weekends.  I have gone with him but since last November my knees and ankles have been in debilitating pain.  I asked for a referral to WLS and my PCP of many years said "I think thats a very good idea."  She was fully supportive.  She also ordered labs for an RA panel because of my bilateral pain in knees and ankles.  Laying in bed all day doesn't change my pain, my knees still are burning and to move them is excruciating.  I am living on Tylenol because I have a blood clotting disorder and am on lifelong coumadin for it and can't take NSAIDS.  I am an RN too so I can't really progress in my job/career like I want to, going to the ER for example because my weight is hampering my ability to move as fast as might be needed.  My weight is affecting everything in my life and I am so tired of diets, I have no more in me to do so without the assistance of a tool like RNY.  

My consultation appt with my surgeon is for 4/23.  My insurance covers the surgery after deductible and out of pocket are met at 100%.  My out of pocket family max is $3300.  After my $1150 deductible is met I pay 20% for surgeon etc, and 10% for facilities fees.  I am required to do the 6 month supervised diet with dietitian or physician maintain a loss of at least 5% of my initial weight.  My BMI meets requirements at 55.  I have to have a psych eval with an MMPI administered to me, I have that appointment scheduled already.  I will call on Monday to a local nutritionist to set an appt up for before the end of April if I can so that I can log this month under my belt for supervised dieting.  I haven't been assigned a nurse from insurance yet but I believe I will be soon to help manage this all per my last conversation with insurance.  The bonus of all of this is also that in two years or so when I have lost my weight plastic surgery is covered to repair excess skin as long as there are documented issues with rashes and such or if the "apron" of the stomach hangs below the pubis.  Well its already hanging over the pubis, its likely to do so more after weight loss so I am stoked about that for SURE.  

So starts the ball rolling... I feel like its rolling on a straight track with a slight downward incline at the moment... I can see my future in the distance.  I am keeping positive thoughts for low to no complications and for a good recovery.  I have 3.5 weeks of PTO lined up and 40 hours of sick time currently available.  I only work 36 hours a week, and I continue to accrue time as I am on FMLA as well, so I should be set for the 6 weeks off.  I plan to take 1 week off in July for salmon dip netting and save the rest for the surgery.  So in that respect I feel good, I have a good job, decent insurance coverage, paid leave.  I can lose the required weight.  What I worry about though is: are there stipulations if I lose too much I can't have surgery?  I will call and talk to my insurance on Monday before calling the nutritionist for an appointment.  I am so ready for this.  I also discovered that my cousin and my uncle in Wisconsin are having WLS as well.  He found my WLS Bucket list and RNY boards on my pinterest and reached out to me.  I will at least have long distance support from them as well as my two teen daughters and husband who are very supportive and will help me with exercising and food.

My issues are three fold: love of sweets, love of carbs, lack of exercise.  My knees are killing my attempts at exercise right now.  I love to dance.  I haven't danced in about 4 years.  I love to canoe, I haven't canoed in 4 years and even then it was really pushing being far too heavy to do so.  I want to kayak but haven't tried because of my weight.  I love to backpack camp and hike, but my body weight limits me.  I love to ride bike and want to traverse the myriad of trails we have available to the wild beautiful lands of Alaska but my weight again limits me and the pain I have in my knees and ankles and sometimes hips and back.  I don't want to be that woman anymore.  I have struggled and struggled and I am done.  I see a solution and I am going for it.  I want to tie my shoes again without losing my breath.  I want to paint my toes, give myself a pedicure, clip my toenails without contorting and straining and not being able to reach without suffering.  I want to squat on the floor without killing my knees.  I want to cross my legs, sit with my legs to the side under me, sit with one leg under me and one leg over, sit cross legged on the floor, be able to reach all nether regions for cleaning/washing without major contortions, take baths again, wear better clothes, not use a belt extension on the plane, not invade others spaces with my size on the plane, wear boots without my calves being too big, wear snowpants, wear waders for fishing/dipnetting.  I want to be healthy.  I want to not take medications for blood pressure and thyroid.  I want to breath well while exerting myself.  I want to run again, do a 5K or more.  I want to be free again.

My size has limited my ability to be a wife and mother to the fullest of my capacity.  I have limited my family by my whining about my pains or how fast they are all going while I am struggling behind them, my whining about "are we done yet?" when hiking.  I love the outdoors.  I love the things that I have allowed my weight to take away from my life.  I have such a strong desire to be there for my girls, playing with them, I wanted to help my daughter with cheerleading and doing cartwheels, but I couldn't show her because I was too heavy.  I wanted to practice volleyball with my oldest but I can't keep up and am afraid of falling and hurting myself because of my weight.  I have a huge fear of slipping on the ice at this weight because I know I would do major damage to bones or joints. I want to be free of that fear.  I want to be able to share clothes with my daughters.  I want to dance with my daughters.  I want to be there on the floor with my grand kids when I have them, playing with no limitations.  I want to live my life again.

I am sure many of you can sympathize with a lot of what I have written, I am sure I have rambled on like crazy.  Some stats, I am wearing size 3xl scrubs and pants but need 4 to 5 xl at times, I am wearing 3-4xl scrub and shirt tops, size 11-12M to W shoes, I don't wear rings anymore but they are larger than a 10 I know.  I don't wear watches though I have a nice citizen from last Christmas that needs an extra link in order to fit me.  I have a huge neck so I don't wear my necklaces anymore either.  I am about 5'9" to 5'10" depending on who is measuring me, my weight has compressed my spine and I have lost height.  I do want to start doing a youtube channel dedicated to my journey, someday I will post that info if I start one.  

Okay, so thus I end my long first blog post.  For those of you who stuck with me to the end, thank you.  Bless you for reading through all the mess of my mind.  Keep your head up, we will arrive on the other side of our destination with renewed vigor and health and a new lease on life.

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