Toni B.
sausage fingers...LOL
Oct 26, 2011
Ever have one of those days….where you feel soooo fat. The kind of day when you look down at your fingers and think to yourself….man, even my fingers are fat! (The look like little breakfast sausages attached to my hand.LMAO). A glance in the mirror reveals more chins than a Tokyo phonebook. J That is how my morning started today. Nothing fits quite right…(but then again, it hasn’t for a long time.) I am currently at the highest weight I have ever been in my life…and sometimes it’s emotionally crushing to acknowledge your reality.
I realized a while ago, how much I am letting life pass me by. I never organize girls-night with my girlfriend’s anymore. (It’s been years!) I haven’t gone to a work related Christmas party for at least 5. I avoid social engagements now, unless they’re mandatory – like weddings and funerals. I have, over the past few years, given up on having fun.
I have sort of retreated/sequestered myself to a life of solitude with Sean and my dogs. Thankfully, I love him very much and we make each other happy – but I often wonder what happened to that girl who sort of loved her life and enjoyed the busyness of it.
That is one reason, (and there are many), why I am doing this.
I miss me.
I am so grateful to be in this program right now, because it has given me something very important back – HOPE.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hope the weight will disappear… that’s not what I mean at all. That will come, along with my hard work and dedication to a new life.
What I mean is – Hope, like without this new found sense of hope for a better future, I really don’t know where I would be. I feel like I gave up on myself a long time ago, and ever since my doctor and I first discussed this surgery (his idea/suggestion) I have had HOPE again.
So when I am post-op, and struggling to get in my protein and water…. I am going to reflect back on this post and acknowledge that no matter what challenges I am facing, it feels pretty damn good to have FAITH in myself again.
By the way, FAITH is what HOPE turns into --- when you are finally joining the fight for your happiness...and health.
