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Jan 08, 2009

This blog entry is a little pointless.  I thought maybe if I blogged, I would hold myself accountable.  A lot has happened since my last post... ummm, I got pregnant 3 months after the band was placed because my infertility was reversed after a near 30# weight loss.  I unfilled my band eight weeks into the pregnancy, as I had begun to actually feel it.  My band remained empty for the duration of the healthy pregnancy.  I only gained about 25#.  I had a beautiful baby girl on March 14, 2008.  I quickly lost the baby weight, as happened with my first pregnancy 6 years prior.  I actually got down to 246#.  But as I had suspected, it quickly started to come back on.  When my daughter was 3 months old, I decided it was time to stop gaining, and get a fill.  I was still nursing.  The doctor worried that I shouldn't get  a fill in order to meet caloric needs for my milk supply.  Having never felt the band prior to pregnancy, I was convinced it wouldn't really make a difference anyway, and I had no worries... other than that I would continue to gain and fail at the band.  I even asked her to give me 2ccs, since prior to pregnancy I had only begun to feel my band at 3ccs.  She agreed.  In the doc's office, they always have me sip water after a fill.  I had never felt anything and wondered why I even bothered.  Only this time, I knew after just one sip that something was definitely different.  I felt something.  However, I didn't say anything.  I told myself that it would be fine and it was what I needed to control my eating.  By the time I got home, swallowing just spit caused me pain.  I knew something was really not right.  I called the office at 5:00, closing time... but the nurse answered my call.  She said to take it easy and I would be fine... to only use clear liquids.  Thinking back, I don't know why I didn't argue, but I knew I couldn't even swallow clear liquids if I couldn't swallow spit without pain.  By midnight I was frantic.  I was in terrible pain, I could not sit or lie down.  I even walked my neighborhood at midnight, hoping movement would make the pain stop.  I called to page the doctor in tears.  A nurse contacted me and told me that I would have to wait until morning to page the doctor, and that because I could talk, I was fine.  Being a nursing mother that could not drink any fluid, I was so worried that I would not produce enough milk for my baby.  I struggled with my supply anyway, and I could tell my breasts were not feeling fuller.  By 6 a.m. I paged again, and the nurse finally agreed to contact the doctor.  The doctor allowed the nurse to meet me at the office to remove my fill.  Luckily, it was a successful unfill.  At one point in the night, I thought I would pay anybody to jab a syringe in my and get the stupid slaine out.  It was awful, and it scared me away from the thought of filling my band for a long time.  So the weight gain continued.  When my baby was 6 months old, I decided to try again.  I got 1cc of saline in my band, and I can definitely feel it.  The problem is, I'm not allowing myself to get in the game.  I am realizing that when I got the surgery, I was ready.  I had mentally prepared.  My oldest daughter was very self sufficient.  I was able to spend some time on myself.  Now I'm right back where I was a number of years ago... a stay at home mom, lazy, trying to use whatever energy I have to take care of my baby.  These are long, lonely days, and though the fill is working - I am cheating it.  I seek sweets and foods that will go down easily.  I will say that I do eat less than I once did, and the band slows me down.  When we go to restaurants, I cannot eat near what I used to.  Sometimes that's really frustrating.  More frustrating is that if I would just stop when I can't get any more down, I would actually lose more weight.  Instead, I look for sweet things.  The doctor told me that this was why I should not get the band.  I was so defiant with her, and explained that I would be able to kick this problem with the help of the band.  I still think that is true, but it's not true right at this moment.  I know that if  I would exercise and stick to the program, I would be kicking ass and taking names.  I just need to get my head together.  The scale crept up to 268# prior to the 1cc fill a few months ago.  I'm down to about 257# now.  I don't think the fill will allow me to gain all that much, but I would really feel proud if I would get on the right path.  I just watched The Biggest Loser this week, and saw the young boy that lost 30# in one week.  It can be done.  I can do it, I just have to make a plan.  I like that the band is always there, for whenever we're ready to get back on track.  There is no "window," and I know that when I get it together, the band is going to help me accomplish my goals.

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