Day 5 blues

Dec 18, 2009

I had my surgery five days ago. I am recovering pretty okay, but don't know how I feel. I really freaked out before the surgery and almost changed my mind. The word "irreversible" was stuck in my head and I guess it still is. I started at 276 and with the pre op and the last five days I am at 248. Almost 30 lbs which should excite me right? But trully I am kinda depressed. I can't eat at christmas dinner.... or enjoy livations at new years and my dietician says I shouldn't do it anyways, but damn it I love the holidays. And I don't want to be the poor poor girl who just had surgery sitting there with people feeling bad for me because I cannot enjoy. I am miserable because of this. MISERABLE. I want to enjoy my holidays. Maybe I am feeling sorry for myself, I really don't know. I don't want to be a damn tooth pick, I am not trying to be that way..... But I want to eat, I am just not hungry, and can only have protein shakes and clear fluids. Well I am tired of Water. And I can't figure out how to drink it without taking in air, I sip I hurt, I drink any faster I hurt. The pain is in my chest which makes me feel like I am having a heart attack... So am I normal or just freaking out.

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