gishstar

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It was almost a year ago when I decided enough was enough and I needed to get weight loss surgery. I was excited that I made the decision, but scared about the process. I had had my gall bladder taken out 4 years ago prior and I remember the process of not being able to eat certain foods, and constantly running to the bathroom because I ate something I shouldn't have. 

While I'm looking forward to getting my life back, I'm also not looking forward to the recovery process. 

The shits.

The upset stomachs

The potential vomiting. 

All of it scares me, the first two I can handle... but the third one terrifies me. I actually have a phobia of vomiting, which is why I know that this surgery will help me stay away from sugar if it means getting a case of "dumping syndrome". 

See, I LOVE sugar, and I HATE vomiting. This surgery will help me so much to stay away from sugar, and make better decisions. Not that I don't make better decisions right now anyways, but it'll help me to really stay on the straight and narrow since I despise getting sick so much more than indulging myself. 

I opted for the RNY because my chances of getting dumping syndrome is much higher than if I were to get the sleeve, or the lap band. Strange that I'd be wanting to actually torture myself like that, but it's a matter of my life and my future. 

Now I just need to "reactivate" my support group, and make strides to cut out the things I can't eat. 

I'm glad I'm starting over again. I'm afraid of not being able to eat like I do now. A friend of mine said that those fears go away once you see your progress. I believe her, I'm just still nervous about the change. The other good part is that my waiting time for surgery is HALF of what it was with my other insurance carrier. 

Previously, I needed a 6 month doctor monitored diet, dietician meeting, and psychological evaluation. Now, I only need a 3 month doctor monitored diet. Something about having to only "diet" for 90 days isn't as overwhelming as 180 days were. Right now, I am on day 17 of 90... and I've GAINED!!!! What the hell?

I suppose I should keep a more detailed food journal. I'd really like to not have my knees, hips, and feet hurt like they are. 

I have like no patience. Something to work on while I go through this journey. 

Every year brings the holidays, and the familial obligation for getting together with your family and loved ones. I really love seeing my family and being around them.

The one part of the holidays I don't like though, is when they ask me about my accountability. Sometimes I'm OK with it if I know I've been really good. Other times though... not so much.

I had been abstaining from soda for a few weeks, and it was going good. However, all it takes is that one time. That one meal. Or that one moment of weakness for me to say, "mmm OK." And then there goes my streak. I'm OK if a streak breaks though. I really honestly am. What I'm not OK with though is when I have to admit to my family that I've broken my streaks.

For some reason when I have to tell my family that I've broken my streak whether it be no soda, vegetarianism, etc. I feel guilty, and ashamed. What usually follows afterwards is the worst. Nagging. Reasoning. Nuggets of Wisdom from their unreliable doctors on TV resources... UGH.

I hate those nuggets of wisdom the most. I know that they mean well, but they're just getting their information from the television! They're not even going beyond that resource to find out why those TV doctors are saying what they're saying. Half the time those TV doctors just say whatever they're paid to say. It's sickening.

So usually if I'm caught in the "I thought you gave up soda!" headlights, I fumble around for a good excuse. Something along the lines of, "Yeah, I know. I was drinking it pretty heavily a few months ago. Stopped for awhile, but now it's just once in awhile. Not nearly as much as I used to."

UGH. Sometimes it's the truth, other times it's not. I just lie constantly to my family to get them off my back so I don't have to hear their B.S. I really detest when they tell me what I can and can't eat while at family gatherings. Being the only overweight one in the family makes it really hard to even take them seriously.

THEM: "Ari, you can't eat that." ME: "Really? If I can't eat that, then why the Hell would you bring it in the first place?"

Eh... if only that conversation was real.. It mostly starts with them telling me I can't eat that, and then I make some snarky comment like they don't control the food I put in my mouth, and I'm accountable to me and my calorie count for the day, so they just need to mind their own business. Relatives.

I wish they only knew how hard it was for me to even get to this place in my life of being as overweight as I am. Then to even know the struggles I go through on a day to day basis. That's not even counting the struggles with having to make decisions about what I'm putting into my mouth. That's just the struggles of feeling like a fat piece of shit when I wear my clothes, or do my hair, or catch a glimpse of myself in a window. Feeling the pressure on my joints when I go up and down stairs. Having to deal with the depression on top of all of that, and THEN struggle to make the decision each and every day about "what goes into my mouth today."

Hopefully if you've ever been in my position, and have been through this and see the light you can share your genuine nuggets of wisdom. If you are going through what I'm dealing with you can totally sympathize. I just want days of no decisions for food. Just eat what I want... or eat what I need. I don't care. Healthy or not.. Just take the decision of food choices away from me for like a day or two. That would be real vacation. Right?

I met with the nutritionist yesterday to go over the diet plan and expectations of how to eat before and after surgery.

At the beginning of our appointment, she asked if I had any expectations of her and this appointment. I responded "no" because I know how to diet, I know how to portion control, I just don't follow it 100% all the time. This appointment was just a formal meeting between me and her to get the ball rolling and prepare for my surgery date.

I've posted about this on the message boards, but I've had this nagging question in the back of my mind, "Do I really need weight loss surgery? Am I looking for an easy way to lose weight?"

I asked her if maybe I wasn't a proper candidate for this surgery because maybe I've not been as honest with myself as I think I've been with my efforts to lose weight in the past. She assured me that the attempts I've made to change my eating habits with the diets I've tried and the modifications I've made was nothing that would affect me for the long-term. The things I've done was only to affect me for the short term. The surgery is there to jump start that weight loss process while re-training me to eat smaller portions, and give me a sense of accomplishment as I'm losing weight.

The surgery also helps me to make better decisions about what I eat, and when I eat it. The things I need to work on between now, and after surgery is heal my relationship with food. I'm an emotional eater, and a boredom eater. I was taking Adderall for awhile and that helped me to make better decisions about when I was hungry versus when I wasn't.

Even though I feel slightly re-assured that I'm making a good decision, I'm still not completely convinced. We'll see how this 6 month diet goes and what kind of weight loss I can achieve over that time period.