Building A Cocoon
The Cover Up
Aug 27, 2007
I have been thinking about this whole surgery thing. I have pondered it probably everyday since I decided for sure that I would be making this monumental step.
I have thought a lot about the plastics end of it. I know the way my body looks unclothed will be shocking and depressing. I will, if insurance allows have plastic surgery.
But here is the thing, I want tattoos to cover the scars. The ones around my waist. I hate the idea of having a thick keloid scar around my body... even just at my panty line. I think it would be much more beautiful to have a rose vine or butterflies.
This trip into vanity somewhat concerns me. I like to say it is just for me but I know that the truth is I could get used to my body that way. I would feel like just as much of a eye sore with loose flesh hanging off of me as I do as a 330 pound woman.
Is vanity so wrong? Is wanting your body to be appreciated such a sign of weakness that it is to be so disapproved of?
There are days, like today, that I can't wait to see how it all plays out and where I stand.
I have thought a lot about the plastics end of it. I know the way my body looks unclothed will be shocking and depressing. I will, if insurance allows have plastic surgery.
But here is the thing, I want tattoos to cover the scars. The ones around my waist. I hate the idea of having a thick keloid scar around my body... even just at my panty line. I think it would be much more beautiful to have a rose vine or butterflies.
This trip into vanity somewhat concerns me. I like to say it is just for me but I know that the truth is I could get used to my body that way. I would feel like just as much of a eye sore with loose flesh hanging off of me as I do as a 330 pound woman.
Is vanity so wrong? Is wanting your body to be appreciated such a sign of weakness that it is to be so disapproved of?
There are days, like today, that I can't wait to see how it all plays out and where I stand.
Just A List-Feel Free to Add goodies you know
Aug 16, 2007
So many things talked about on the boards and some are really good and I don't want to forget come time for me to have the surgery. So I'm starting my list.
- Pure Nutrition Whey Protein Isolate - No chalky taste and not too sweet.
- Website Walden Farms
- Before and After Book by Susan Maria Leach - Recipes
Protein Poppers
- Pure Nutrition Whey Protein Isolate - No chalky taste and not too sweet.
- Website Walden Farms
- Before and After Book by Susan Maria Leach - Recipes
Protein Poppers
1 C. protein powder
1 C. non-fat dry milk
1 C. peanut butter
Cocoa powder
2 tbsp water
½ C. ground flax seed
½ C. rolled oats
Splenda to taste
1 tsp. rum extract
Mix protein powder, milk powder, rum extract and peanut butter. When totally mixed, add flax and oats. Put water in bowl on side, make one inch balls, dipping fingers into water if too sticky.
In separate bowl, mix splenda and cocoa. Roll each ball in cocoa mixture. Chill one hour before eating.
Apprx. 10 grams of protein per ball.
YUM!!!!!!
Apnea!?
Aug 15, 2007
Since I have decided to have this surgery I feel like I am falling apart. I have begun getting rashes where I seldom if ever got them before. My legs have swollen up for the last 3 months and are barely deflating now. Not to mention the patch of rough elephant skin it left around my foot. I have no idea how to get rid of that.
Then about 4 months ago I realized that I have acid reflux. Wonderful addition to the high blood pressure. Now... in the night I find myself awaking feeling like some one had a pillow over my face. I start and breathe in desperately and my eyes pop open. I am sure that those are just the more severe moments. I bet I stop breathing a lot at night. This has left me feeling afraid to sleep. I feel like although it is right around the corner (it feels like forever), I'm not going to make it to surgery and weight loss.
There is a thread in me that says in whispers that I was not meant to live a normal life. Now most of the time this is a good whisper because I am going to achieve something with the talents I've been manifesting. However in this case... I don't know. That little voice is telling me I'm not meant to be a size 10-14. I'm not meant to be happy with my body.
I know they are ugly whispers and I know that as I progress my perception will change. I would like this to be something that comes natural... something that my heart, mind and body can welcome. I would like this to be something I don't have to fight for tooth and nail.
I just don't want to die and not be what I am to be. I need to make a difference to people in a specific way. It may be self aggrandizing but I feel like god gave me the power to change lives.
I want to use my life effecting people in a positive way. I want to change lives through art, thought and my trained profession.
I'll find the package that will be my gift to the world, but only if I live long enough to create it.
Then about 4 months ago I realized that I have acid reflux. Wonderful addition to the high blood pressure. Now... in the night I find myself awaking feeling like some one had a pillow over my face. I start and breathe in desperately and my eyes pop open. I am sure that those are just the more severe moments. I bet I stop breathing a lot at night. This has left me feeling afraid to sleep. I feel like although it is right around the corner (it feels like forever), I'm not going to make it to surgery and weight loss.
There is a thread in me that says in whispers that I was not meant to live a normal life. Now most of the time this is a good whisper because I am going to achieve something with the talents I've been manifesting. However in this case... I don't know. That little voice is telling me I'm not meant to be a size 10-14. I'm not meant to be happy with my body.
I know they are ugly whispers and I know that as I progress my perception will change. I would like this to be something that comes natural... something that my heart, mind and body can welcome. I would like this to be something I don't have to fight for tooth and nail.
I just don't want to die and not be what I am to be. I need to make a difference to people in a specific way. It may be self aggrandizing but I feel like god gave me the power to change lives.
I want to use my life effecting people in a positive way. I want to change lives through art, thought and my trained profession.
I'll find the package that will be my gift to the world, but only if I live long enough to create it.
Untouched
Aug 11, 2007
It still amazes me how much I am not a part of society. At least not on the level I thought I was. I was under the impression that I was a valued member of society. Yes larger than many but still a contributor. I never thought of myself as an eyesore or usurper of space.
Then in one moment some one touched me and everything changed. He put his hand on my shoulder and I froze mid sentence and looked at his hand. Just resting there. I stared long enough that he felt the need to withdraw his hand.
I suppose he felt like I was disgusted that he touched me but the truth was that I realized at that moment that no one ever touches me. EVER. Some will hold a door. I have had people pick things up for me. But actual touching never occurs. People don't seek me out or probe my eyes for identity.
I realized at that moment...I am an outcast. I am abnormal and less than desirable. Oh how teary I was at the prospect that I could be that much of a emotional burden to people. Do you remember when you'd get mad at some one at work or school and you'd just stop speaking to them? Intentionally you'd avert your eyes when you saw them in the corridor? That sort of thing takes a lot of energy. So to be treated that way by strangers is amazingly insulting. Hurtful.
I always fancied myself a strong woman but as of late I feel that strength breaking down. So many cracks and chips in my self-esteem has caused me to begin to crumble. I am just hopeful that I can hold on until I have surgery and see some weight loss. Hopefully it will help me regain what I possessed unwaveringly for so long. That sense of value in my own being.
Then in one moment some one touched me and everything changed. He put his hand on my shoulder and I froze mid sentence and looked at his hand. Just resting there. I stared long enough that he felt the need to withdraw his hand.
I suppose he felt like I was disgusted that he touched me but the truth was that I realized at that moment that no one ever touches me. EVER. Some will hold a door. I have had people pick things up for me. But actual touching never occurs. People don't seek me out or probe my eyes for identity.
I realized at that moment...I am an outcast. I am abnormal and less than desirable. Oh how teary I was at the prospect that I could be that much of a emotional burden to people. Do you remember when you'd get mad at some one at work or school and you'd just stop speaking to them? Intentionally you'd avert your eyes when you saw them in the corridor? That sort of thing takes a lot of energy. So to be treated that way by strangers is amazingly insulting. Hurtful.
I always fancied myself a strong woman but as of late I feel that strength breaking down. So many cracks and chips in my self-esteem has caused me to begin to crumble. I am just hopeful that I can hold on until I have surgery and see some weight loss. Hopefully it will help me regain what I possessed unwaveringly for so long. That sense of value in my own being.
Sweet Hershey's
Jul 19, 2007
Yesterday was my orientation meeting at Hershey's Medical Center (HMC). I was the second to arrive. I know this because when I came up there was a portly man looking as lost as I was and I said to myself. I be he's here for the orientation as well.
I felt embarrassed to be there as I approached the receptionist. Having to say the words out loud. "I'm here for the gastric bypass orientation." She pointed to the room and off I went. I was glad that she didn't offer the room prior to my telling her for sure.
Soon after I situated myself a woman came in and she was a stern looking older woman. She sat next to me and soon a friend of hers trailed in behind. We began small talk and I tried to tell her about OH. "I don't need support. I need the surgery!" she said. She was the kind of snappy that you know means no harm, but never the less is abrasive. A few more trickled in and it was interesting the way they actually sat at the table right next to one another. I always avoid close proximity. And they kept asking me questions like I wasn't there for the same thing they were. It was cute.
The room crowded quickly and I did my norm... looking around to see how I stack up. Even in a room full of perspective WLS candidates I was one of the larger women. At 330 pounds there were some bigger, a few who came in on wheelchairs. I sort of felt sad and resigned all at once. We all were there for the same reason and we all felt defeated in walking in.
However, when we were leaving the air was a little different. Many seemed empowered with the knowledge that there is something that could be done and there is help.
I left early because people were asking some very personal questions during the Q and A. "If I have a shunt can I have the surgery?" "My insurance is... do they cover it?" I mean really we could have gone to each person and asked if the insurance covered it. I just thought those were questions that did not benefit the group but the individual and hence should have been left to individual consultation.
So I drove home. Not feeling any particular way except I had made the first step and there were many many more to come.
Within the next 2 weeks I will have my initial physical evaluation and entry into the program that lasts 6 months. That leaves me out around February.
I felt embarrassed to be there as I approached the receptionist. Having to say the words out loud. "I'm here for the gastric bypass orientation." She pointed to the room and off I went. I was glad that she didn't offer the room prior to my telling her for sure.
Soon after I situated myself a woman came in and she was a stern looking older woman. She sat next to me and soon a friend of hers trailed in behind. We began small talk and I tried to tell her about OH. "I don't need support. I need the surgery!" she said. She was the kind of snappy that you know means no harm, but never the less is abrasive. A few more trickled in and it was interesting the way they actually sat at the table right next to one another. I always avoid close proximity. And they kept asking me questions like I wasn't there for the same thing they were. It was cute.
The room crowded quickly and I did my norm... looking around to see how I stack up. Even in a room full of perspective WLS candidates I was one of the larger women. At 330 pounds there were some bigger, a few who came in on wheelchairs. I sort of felt sad and resigned all at once. We all were there for the same reason and we all felt defeated in walking in.
However, when we were leaving the air was a little different. Many seemed empowered with the knowledge that there is something that could be done and there is help.
I left early because people were asking some very personal questions during the Q and A. "If I have a shunt can I have the surgery?" "My insurance is... do they cover it?" I mean really we could have gone to each person and asked if the insurance covered it. I just thought those were questions that did not benefit the group but the individual and hence should have been left to individual consultation.
So I drove home. Not feeling any particular way except I had made the first step and there were many many more to come.
Within the next 2 weeks I will have my initial physical evaluation and entry into the program that lasts 6 months. That leaves me out around February.
The Starting Gate?
Jul 08, 2007
When I was a little girl about 7 or 8 years old my mother had an operation. This operation required her to be in the hospital for a few days and home recovering without children for a couple of weeks. My mother sent me to stay with my grandparents. My grandparents house was a house of goodies. Coffeecake Jr. Paradise and fudge swirl ice cream heaven. Unmonitored intake of food coupled with my grandfather who loved me sooo much running out to get his "baby" whatever fast food she wanted on a nightly basis. Anything to keep me happy and food was the most immediate. A young woman missing her mother and having no friends to play with, I turned to food. It was always there, magically replenished without mention of it's fallen predecessors. I indulged to a fault.
When my mother came to get me it was the only mention I ever remember of my weight from her, "My baby gained so much weight." My relationship with food was created. From then when I was angry, lonely, sad, mad, happy... it was food. There was no penalty in my home for over eating. It was allowed and there was always more food. And now... well now food and I are forced co-habitants and it is the friend who stabs you in the back. The one who wishes you well to your face and thwarts your progress in subtle and sometimes not so subtle ways.
I can't say goodbye but the way we communicate must change.
When my mother came to get me it was the only mention I ever remember of my weight from her, "My baby gained so much weight." My relationship with food was created. From then when I was angry, lonely, sad, mad, happy... it was food. There was no penalty in my home for over eating. It was allowed and there was always more food. And now... well now food and I are forced co-habitants and it is the friend who stabs you in the back. The one who wishes you well to your face and thwarts your progress in subtle and sometimes not so subtle ways.
I can't say goodbye but the way we communicate must change.
I Hope I Dance
Jun 20, 2007
Tonight while I was watching television I saw some dancers and watched what they do with their bodies. To be able to control every muscle in your body and tell it what to do is an amazing thought to me. I hope that one day I am able to know my body well enough to control what it does. As it stands I can barely walk without feeling like at any minute I'm going to tip over or become unbalanced.
I realize now how much my body hinders me. So slowly it creeps up on you. Just one day you feel the need to use your elbow to prop yourself up. Then you go up the stairs one step at a time. Soon you are leaning on your steering wheel to hoist yourself out of the car. All this time you never realize that you are betraying some little part of yourself. Giving up control to your girth and allowing food to control you.
Now I stand contemplating this surgery and I dare to dream that one day my body will belong to me again. I will be able to bend myself into yoga positions and dance like I used to. Every Saturday morning I would get up and turn up my music while everyone slept and choreographed the most intricate alluring dances known to any 5th grader. By the age of 12 I had my god sister right beside me and we danced all day long.
When I get this sugery, I hope I dance.
I realize now how much my body hinders me. So slowly it creeps up on you. Just one day you feel the need to use your elbow to prop yourself up. Then you go up the stairs one step at a time. Soon you are leaning on your steering wheel to hoist yourself out of the car. All this time you never realize that you are betraying some little part of yourself. Giving up control to your girth and allowing food to control you.
Now I stand contemplating this surgery and I dare to dream that one day my body will belong to me again. I will be able to bend myself into yoga positions and dance like I used to. Every Saturday morning I would get up and turn up my music while everyone slept and choreographed the most intricate alluring dances known to any 5th grader. By the age of 12 I had my god sister right beside me and we danced all day long.
When I get this sugery, I hope I dance.
About Me
South Central PA, PA
Location
26.3
BMI
Surgery
04/28/2008
Surgery Date
Aug 05, 2006
Member Since
