Anxiety and thankfulness

Dec 14, 2010

Here it is Wednesday morning at 6:22am and I cannot sleep.  This has been happening all week.  Why? Because my DS is less than a week away, my ex and I are fighting like cats and dogs due to the tension and the liquid diet (I'm mean when I'm hungry) and the impending questions of whether I will make it through the surgery, will I have complications, will I regret getting into a situation where someone has to take care of me for a while when we are no longer together, will I be able to pay these bills next month or will that add to my frustration while trying to heal.  Times like this all I can do is pray, talk to my heavenly Father, and cry in his lap.  So much is going on all at once and I feel like it's now or never.  I won't have another chance at life like this so I have to go in with the faith that God's will be done.  I don't know if Dr. Garth will be doing an open or a laparoscopic depending on my weight loss I suppose, but at this point it really doesn't matter to me. I just want to be free.  I sit and think of things that HAVE to be done by surgery day and there seems not to be enough time, man power, money, or strength.  I feel like when ppl describe "nesting."  I want the house bleached from top to bottom, carpet cleaned, sectional cleaned, kitchen and bathrooms disinfected, sheets changed, dishes done and put away, hair and nails done, laundry done, new curtains hung....the list does go on and on.  My ex is looking at me like I'm slow, but if anything happens to me, I want things handled, if all goes well, I still can't do this crap when I get home....so *blank stare* back at him.  Not to mention the emotional BULL I am undergoing.  I need to make peace with my dad, and a couple other ppl as well.  This truly has to be a new beginning and it WILL.

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