gonzy317
I was relatively thin until 4th grade. Not the skinniest in the class, but certainly not the largest. Then puberty began.
In 4th grade they took us into the hallway three at a time. Sean Challis (no, his name has not been edited, because this was a defining moment in my life and he was a complete snot) was standing behind me, and when we were done he came into the classroom and announced to everyone, "86 Pounder!" Later that day (week, month, year) they all stood around me chanting on the playground "86 Pounder! 86 Pounder!"
In 5th grade they took us into the hallway one at a time to be weighed, and I was up to 113. The nurse told me if I wasn't careful I would be over 130 lbs. by the end of 6th grade. She was right. By 15 I was up to 185 pounds and completely miserable. I had no dates. I had few friends. I hid from everyone/everything. At that point I decided it was time to do somethign about it and I talked my mom into letting me join Nutri-System. It worked. I lost 50 pounds in about 6 months and felt GREAT. I didn't get much attention from anyone at school, but I was happier, didn't feel like I needed to hide behind everything anymore, and I did a lot more. I started running. Ah, life was grand.
At 16 I graduated high school (Hey, I took a lot of sxtra classes to stay away from people ... those credits added up!) and started working... in a kitchen. There was my downfall. I was 'skinny'... I should be able to eat whatever, right? Wrong! Then I started dating someone, moved in with him, eventually got married and gained it all back (and then some). I was up to 215 pounds. Not bad, but certainly bigger than I'd ever been.
A couple of years went by and I realized that the only reason I'd married him was because he had paid me some attention. Wrong choice. I filed for divorce, and he took everything. I was living off of peanut butter and hot tea (a pretty effective diet, I might add!) and I lost just over 50 pounds, putting me at about 165. I felt OK with myself, not terrible but not great. I was happy again, and active, and I was dating.
The years past, and I struggled within 30 lbs. of that weight, but for the most part staying there. Then I met someone and we started dating seriously, and we went out to eat ALL the time. Got up to 200. We had a terrible break up (I'm an emotional eater) and then I met my husband. We got married, had a baby, and I ballooned to 260 pounds (I'm 5'2") in two short years. I've struggled with that weight since, generally up and down between 230 and 250 pounds. I've had a total of three children, who are now 9, 5, and almost 1 year, and I so long to be able to run around with them. I have high cholesterol, high blood pressure, am *this close* to diabetes. I have PCOS which makes weight loss next to impossible for me (not impossible, but pretty darn close!) I have back pain, and sleep apnea... all the classic results of obesity.
My endocrinologist recommended gastric bypass surgery almost 8 years ago and I said no. In 2007 I decided I'd had enough and it was time. I've tried them all: Atkins, Tuna and Rice diet, the color diet, nutrisystem, weight watchers, a nutritionist: EVERYTHING. I went to an informational seminar in May 2007, jumped through all the hoops my insurance company had deemed necessary, got approved, got a date and on October 3rd, three weeks before my surgery, I found out i was pregnant. I was both thrilled (about the pregnancy) but utterly devastated about not getting my surgery.
I made a deal with myself that I would not gain a ton of weight during the pregnancy - and I didn't. I gained 21 lbs. and lost all of that weight within 2 weeks of giving birth. I chose to breasteed, and in February I went back to my surgeon's office (my original surgeon had left the practice) and started the process again. Because all of my testing and dieting had been done already, they were able to "fast track" me through the program, and I am currently scheduled for surgery on May 4th.
Who knows what awaits me? I dont' remember what its like to be thin. To have energy. Not to know the pain and agony of the weight I carry on my ankles, knees and back. I don't know what its like to even take pictures with my kids... there aren't many. I'm always behind the lens... I want to throw the football, and play tag, and LIVE. I want my husband to find me sexy (though he says he does, I can't see how). I don't want to feel embarrassed when I walk down the street, or even down the hall. I don't want to hide in my cube at work afraid of what people will think of me if I go to the cafeteria (there goes the fat girl again... wonder what she's goign to eat? Oh yes, there it is: the cookie!) I want to be able to look people in the face again.
So here I am. For better or worse. This is what its come to. I'm ready.
