Im_gonna_be

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I wen to the conference this weekend, and as it had been mentioned there, I must say that I had a wonderful time!  Many of the organizers told me that there would be a high after the conference, and I must say that I do feel like I am on a high.  I met quite a few people there who were in the same boat as me.  It was so amazing and I absolutely had a great time.

The talks there were quite amazing and I must say that I have so many things to be thankful for.  I am still having a successful time with all of this and I know that I just have to remain steadfast and true to it all and remember to be kind to myself.  I feel that now at the end of this weekend, that life is still here to be lived and I can do it on my own terms.

I love my job, I love myself, and I love that I was able to make the decision to do what I did.  It might have taken me quite a long time, but nevertheless, it is quite important that I did it and that I remain as steadfast in my resolve than ever.

I also talked to the famous Dr. Garth Davis (well, he is famous in the WLS community).  I found him to be very very compelling, though at times he was quite unfortunately contridictary, but this is part of the point of him being a medical professional in the medical field as things change.  Frankly, I feel that medical people are at quite a disadvantage in that things move so fast and that there is always quite a bit of 'research' that goes on that needs to be vetted and anyone can really say anything and it kind of be true and then kind of be false.

I hope that I do get to hear from those people that I met and that I get to keep in touch with those people in Houston. It was quite amazing. I am also thinking of buying a treadmill, but am not sure I will do it yet.  

In addition, I had a consultation with a plastic surgeon.  Now, I felt like I was in good hands with him and I must say, that I hope that I can find a way to work with him in regard to my future plastic surgery.  It also helps that he is very good looking and super nice.

Alas, c'est ma vie.  J'espere que va bien!

 

Well, it seems that I have hit a plateau. I know that the doctor said that this would happen. So, I am not too worried. But, even if this is the end of the weight loss (115 lbs) I think that I am pretty happy about it. i am happy with my size, and things seem to be going well. however, I wonder often if I am doing everything right.

I recently went to the doctor and I found out that I still have a fatty liver, and that I am severly malnourished despite the great amount of vitamins that I am taking. B-12, prenatal vitamins, probiotic supplements, flax seed oil, D, folic acid, and calcium. It is a bit discouraging but I think that I will survive.

I constantly worry about how well I am doing, but that might just be because I am worrying. Alas. I hope everyone else is doing well.

Today was a good day for the most part.  This weekend, I went to Haymarket and I bought some vegetables and decided to make some guacamole and some stuffed jalapeno peppers.

Well the thing is this:  I have not had any issues with food since my surgery, I haven't dumped, and I have been very happy about that because I have been following the program set forth by my doctor. My determination and my desire for this change in my life has been so much in the front of my mind that I figure that I have to do my best.

Well, the peppers turned out great! They were perfect then I ate one.

OMG!!

The taste was amazing. I had filled them with a cream cheese spread that I made containing sundried tomatos, garlic, basil, and cilantro. It was unbelievable amazing. However, maybe only two minutes after eating it, my stomach was turning. I thought I was going to puke, I could feel the pepper moving through me. Then, out of no where I started shitting. I mean, for real shitting. I thought I was going to die.  Then I couldn't sit still I was walking around and trying to move around and, I don't know, make it get out of me sooner, or something.

Eventually, it passed and I am okay- it only lasted about 10 minutes.  But, I am curious, was that dumping? I don't know. I assumed that it would be something else, that dumping would last hours. I don't know. I would love to have someone tell me their experience and maybe help me identify it.

It is sad, though, but at least I know stuffed jalapenos are out of the question now.

I am so happy to report that I am doing well on my five week surgery anniversary. I am currently down 55lbs and I am very happy to say that I am being strong and have not effed up too much. I think I fell into an old habit today and I overate a little bit, but I realized it and stopped and threw the food away.

I have had the habit of always finishing everything on my plate or that is put in front of me. However, I know that this is an issue that I had to deal with but I just forgot today b/c work got busy etc. etc. I realized this and I know that i need to focus on it more and not let myself get carried away with eating.

In other news, I am feeling great and I am feeling happy. One thing that I love is the fact that I feel satisfied. I was talking to my grandma today and I don't think I have ever felt this way before. I am actually satisfied. It is a good way to feel.

Later on I will talk about the food, but I think that this journey is about so much.  So much of my life anyway has been wrapped up in food and depression, sadness, lack of self confidence, passive-agressive behavior, self-loathing, and a complete lack of putting myself first. But, now, with this, I am finding that I am getting positive attention and I like it. I feel that my head is clearer. I have found that my emotions are more apt to come out in the right way. I have cried two or three times since my surgery.  Between 1996 and 2009 I cried 3 times.  It was just something that I didn't do- I had some kind of mental block. Now though, I am finding that this surgery and the positivity is allowing me to show my emotions.

So, that is great, regarding the food. I am eating fruit now, but not too much, I am doing vegetables and meat and greek yogurt. I am not having any food issues anymore. I eat very little starch- right now it is only toast.  I have found a new love for greek yogurt which in 6 oz has 23 grams of protein, and when it is mixed with just a little dollop of honey- I die a little. I am happy with my diet, I eat mostly eggs, chicken, raspberries, blueberries, ham, cheese. I mean it is a good thing. I had some asparagus today and it was so delicious. However, I am trying to figure out how to make things smaller or make delicious dishes that take well to reheating and freezing.

I would like to try some sushi, maybe next month.

Write me and if you have any questions let me know.

So, i am currently sitting in my dear friend's apartment in Greepoint, Brooklyn, No other place in the world, New York.  i caught the bolt bus from south station down to 34th and 8th and decided to have a weekend of Asian goodness with T, my buddy, here in the Brooklyn.

I had my surgery 3.5 weeks ago, and I have lost about 45 lbs. I am quite happy and the thing is that I have just found out that I can eat grapefruit again.  Gosh, it is so effing good. I must say that I hope there are more great fruits that I can eat as this progresses. I am looking forward to starting a gym soon in a town near mine. It is about half an hour away, but the join fee is quite small and the monthly is negligable.

I had to, on the weekend, which kind of pisses me off, work on a translation of one of my colleagues today. It was kind of bad but kind of good, I think. I don't know, when non native speakers translate stuff into English it is going to have the odd eff up.

I hope that all of the other people out there are doing okay. I have been reading blogs, and I know that this journey can be a little difficult, but with the right support, the will to succeed, the desire for change, it will all be worth it. You can do it.

I had to get an extra letter from my primary care today to be able to get my surgery. It just seems like I have been having to jump through hoops the closer I get to the surgery date. But, yet again, it seems all set. My blood sugar seems to be doing okay, but eating 'sweet' things is something that I miss at night.  I had just peaches and yogurt tonight, so, like that was good, but you know, I just need the blood sugar to be a little lower.  I worked out twice today. Hopefully, it will be warm enough tomorrow to do that again.

To express how rough the day was, I would like to share the story of my very considerate roommate who baked cookies last night. I mean, 1) I am a diabetic, 2) I am prepping for surgery, 3) I am having a very hard time getting my blood sugar down. I mean, I know that I should exercise will power and not partake in the pleasures of life.  But, my God, making cookies in front of me, offering them, and leaving them where I can see them is like leaving a vial of prime colombian cocaine in front of a coke head.

Gosh, is it too much to ask for a little support or consideration?  Why do I have such people in my life?  Fuck me!

I went in for my pre-admissions testing on Tuesday and everything seemed to be alright except that my doctor's office staff is really below par when it comes to customer service and there is a serious lack of time management-- however, this really isn't my concern in the least. 

The day had been really stressful, 1) I work at a stressful job, 2) I made a comment that was misunderstood and I got into shit tons of trouble at work, 3) I am from Oklahoma, live in Boston, and had to drive to this place through several rotaries.  Sometimes I think that driving in Boston must be what burning in hell is like, except more harrowing.

I love my job, but I think that it might be slowing killing me. This probably is mostly my fault as I am just too passionate when it comes to what I do and I care way too much.  I guess I am still so young and new to the corporate world that I still don't understand this monster at the deepest level that I probably should.  So, it is good that his surgery is coming at this time, because I really  need a break and need time to re-evaluate how I am doing, what my goals are and to see if maybe it is time to make a move. I know itis hard with the economy right now, but stagnating in one place is not the way to be, and life becomes sad that way.

So, I must say that i hope through this website I can find some support.  I have a shaky support system in place, I live with a roomate who seemingly doesn't get what I am doing and thinks I am completely vain. I have one friend who is really stepping up and giving me the most support and encouragement, but that is only one person. My family lives in Oklahoma and Arkansas, and I don't.  Perhaps this is the best that I can do, but I would like to meet others and have a support system of like minded individuals.

so, while this evaluation of my life after surgery will go on, i hope I can make the right decisions and I hope they are good decisions.  We will see when it all comes down to it, but I really do hope that my life does take off and I find the confidence ad the resiliance that I have been losing so much over the past couple of years.

I find that affirmations help.

This moment is filled with joy. I now choose to experience the sweetness of today.