I'm Doing SO HORRIBLE!!

Apr 13, 2009

 I'm back up to 313 lbs!!! WTF?? I'm not eating that much different (TRUELY! I would NOT lie to this crowd of folk!) than I have been. What's going on?? Does this surgery just "wear off" after so many years?? I, of all people, who fought so hard to get this, KNOWING this is a TOOL and yes, many times I've taken advantage of it. But not so much that I should have regained nearly 50 lbs!!!!!!!! My eating is not so different than my last blog. TRUELY, it is not. I eat lots of protein first, weight watchers meals, Progresso soups, and drink TONS and TONS of water everyday. I don't get it. I honestly don't.

I'm also struggling with cross-addiction issues. I'm an alcoholic. I discovered I had a problem about 7 months ago. My heavy drinking began just shortly after Christmas '07 upon discovering Emeril's recipe for Hot-Buttered Rum on the Food Network site (What business did I have with "hot BUTTERED anything anyway??" - but I digress). Before I knew it, I was up to a liter of whiskey a day. Then I gave up hard liquor in favor of beer, thinking that would somehow help - only to find myself drinking a case of beer a day. I stopped drinking cold-turkey when TWICE my six-year-old found me passed out on the floor in a puddle of my own urine. I felt like the worst mother in the world. I managed to stay COMPLETELY sober - nothing alcoholic AT ALL - for six months - and never gained beyond 280 lbs. Then one day I found I couldn't resist getting one beer. Just one. Which of course turned into another...and another...and another...

While I'm not yet (yes, I stress YET) up to the case-plus that I WAS at (and I've still yet to touch a drop of hard liquor, which I consider my weakness - for that, I do pride myself), I know I'm on the wrong path. But the ironic thing? I maintained my weight loss, for the most part, when I was drinking heavily!!! WTF is up with THAT??? Is there no such thing as a middle ground?? OMG, if my parents, my beloved parents knew I was drinking ANYTHING with alcohol again, it would break their hearts. I know for a fact that my mom is suspicious - she's a nurse. She's trained to look at the eyes, notice the breath, the behavior, etc., even in the early stages of drinking. She's even asked if I'm drinking again and I've lied to her. God, I hate lying to them. They've been so good to me. And I know these "beer calories" are EMPTY calories...but at the same time, they are somehow compensating for something I'm missing in my life. Isn't it ironic that I have a degree in Psychology?? *lmao*

Still - I don't blame the alcoholism for my weight gain. Weird or not, I don't. I blame a lack of activity and a weakness, at times, for junk food. I have a desk job that keeps me pinned to my desk 8 -10 hours a day. I'm awake by 6:30am to get my precious daughter (who thankfully never sees me tipsy, as I've yet to get to the point of passing out drunk again, though I have wet myself again a few times - ugh!) to school. Then I stay awake to eat breakfast and watch just a tiny bit of TV before hopping on the computer for work. By the time work's over at 7pm, kiddo is back home and it's time to start getting her settled: get the jammies on, teeth brushed, get homework done, etc., then off to bed. Then it's dark. So when am I supposed to exercise?? On my salary, I can't afford (as much as I'd love one) a treadmill. I KNOW I need to be more active. I see a psychiatrist for my depression and alcoholism issues, but I just found out at my last visit last week that he's retiring next month. I was DEVASTATED beyond words. I literally had a nervous breakdown, complete with hyperventilation, when he told me. It took me TEN YEARS to find a great psychiatrist who'd not only prescribe meds but who'd take the time to find out WHY I needed them and why I might need to lower or increase the dosage. Now I have no idea what I'm going to do. He put me back on Topamax for my bipolar (yes, I'm manic depressive) mood swings to help both the swings AND with the weight gain, as the meds have the happy side effect of appetite suppression - and I went down from 301 to 263 when I first went on them. But I know it's not a permanent solution.

I'm scared to death. I'm scared of blowing back up to over 400 lbs. I'm scared of having to fight for a revision. I'm scared of having to find a new psychiatrist. I'm scared of not being able to walk or stand for mroe than two minutes without my back giving out. Hell, I'm just plain TERRIFIED of regaining the life I left behind before my RNY! What am I supposed to do? Where am I supposed to turn? Do NOT say AA b/c I do not subscribe (sorry to offend anyone!) to their "God" this and "God" that beliefs. I am the chick who grew up on and WORSHIPS, to this day, the late, great atheist George Carlin!!!!! While I do  not personally consider myself an "atheist", I do consider myself "agnostic". I know there is a power out there far greater than myself - otherwise, my daugher NEVER would have come to be (I was told I could never EVER have children without "artificial interference" - but BINGO! Almost 7 years later, we have a gorgeous little girl - au naturale!). And I DO pray - to WHOM, though, I'm just not sure. I call it "God" because that's what is universally acceptable. Sometimes my prayers are answered, sometimes not.  This Being could be male, could be female. I have no idea and I don't care. Truthfully, does it matter so long as there is an all-powerful entity out there watching over all of us? Robes and flowing beard be damned, I don't give two turds. I just KNOW there's someone out there far more powerful than any of us! All I know is that I need his/her/somebody's help!!!!!!!!!

Amy, signing off, 4:38pm EST, 4/13/09

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