torn

Jun 07, 2010

Back to the OH again... I had my beautiful baby boy November 24th, 2009. I am 36lbs (sometimes 40lbs... just depends on the day) under my heaviest weight when I was first seeking weight loss surgery. Yes I feel good about that, but I still have at least 80lbs to lose to not be overweight anymore... and honestly I would like to lose 100lbs. The last few months weight loss surgery has been on my mind again and one night I was thinking about it and my husband randomly brought it up again...asking if I had been thinking about it. I never told him at ALL that I was thinking of the surgery again so I took it as a sign that maybe I need to be more serious about it.

My husband has a new job... new insurance... looked into the surgery and nope... not covered. So we are seriously researching self-pay options. Sadly we have hit hard times and trying to figure a solution out is not easy. I could ask my parents or my MIL... but its alot of money to ask for. We could try to get a loan, but because of my husband being without work for 3 months our credit fell. Luckily we are mostly caught up now but we aren't totally out of the water yet... things aren't back to normal. My husband loves me and wants me happy and healthy, so he is very supportive of my choice ot have the surgery and wants to find a way to make it work.

One option that is more obtainable would be for me to work and save the money. Seems simple enough, right? Here is where I am torn... I don't want to leave my kids. I have a two year old and a 6 month old. They have new milestones almost daily and I love being able to see them and enjoy them while they are little. Don't get me wrong, I am not a clingy mother and I don't want to buck my own responsibilities to my body... and i know the long term possitives of having the surgery will be worth the short term struggles... but I am done having kids. These two boys are it. They are only going to be little for so long. If I went to work for the sole purpose of saving up money to pay for my DS, and I miss out on my babies milestones, I would have guilt that would last me a long time. Although my husband and I hit on hard times, he has always said he would rather me stay home with our kids. Yet now for the surgery, I guess because it would be until I got the money, he is supportive of me working to make the money.

So here I sit... torn. Between a full life where my weight will no longer control me as a person...or seeing the milestones of my children and giving them the assurance I will be here. I know they will know I love them.. but just being around does count for something. My mom always worked... goodness she retired a year ago and yet she STILL works.. she was babysitting all year long for her friends grandchild... and now she is considering going back to work (unless I need her to watch my kids)... and as long as I can remember she would work and I never truly knew when she'd be there. I went to alot of functions as a kid without my parents being there... my dad was in media so he was always on call for something. I know my mom loves me... but even now... I don't know when she will be here.. physically here. I never want my kids to feel that way.

I am torn... very... very... torn.

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