Deca-Pound Marks

Feb 14, 2011

I don't know if I made up the term, but I'm fed up with them! Every time I try to go past a deca-pound into the next, I stall. I did at before one-derland, I did it when I got under 150. Right now I am struggling to get under 140. I got close, got to 141 then it rubberbanded up 2 pounds, now they're gone, but I'm at 141.8.
I'd really like to get to the 130's this month because I'd like to hit goal by my 9 month surgiversary April 19th. I'm fairly sure I can do it, it's just getting over this 140 hump... and I'll fight with it for days (sometimes weeks) and then one day I'll get on the scale and be 2 pounds into the next deca-pound marker (meaning I'll get nothing but 141 for a while then 138 all of a sudden). I really want to see it happen! I am sooooo impatient! :) Every deca-pound mark is such a huge accomplishment, and I've only got 2 more to go through, so now it's a race against myself.

I'm having a little trouble finding the right calorie balance though... I wonder if I'm eating too much or too little or too much at certain meals and too little at others... if I'm exercising enough or if I exercise too much... The only plastics I'll need is a breast lift when all is said and done, so I know I should be very, very proud of myself, but I get so distracted by "what's next?" It also scares me a little that one day I'll not only reach my goal, but what will I do when I get there?

I have some fear of not being able to stop, with the mind set, I came this far, I beat my surgeons goal by this much, how much better can I do? I have certain people I know I can trust to tell me if I've gone too far, but will I listen at that point?

My other fear is that when I get too close to goal that I'll sabotage myself. That there's still that damaged girl inside of me who doesn't want to see me succeed, to reach my goals, to be happy, that I just don't deserve it. I always felt that being obese/diabetic was punishment for something. This is my personal theory, for my personal self, not to be applied to anyone who isn't me (unless you feel it, but in no way do I try to assign this to anyone else).
And if I get to be thin and healthy, is my punishment over? Do I understand that I deserve to live this life? In this body? I'm still bowled over almost every day by the fact that I married the man I did. He's everything I ever wanted and never felt I deserved. He's a good person, and so sweet. If I'm honest with myself, I don't think I'm a good person, or at least I haven't been. Since I met him I try harder. I'm selfish enough to keep him whether I deserve him or not. Maybe if I just apply this philosophy to my new weight/body everything will work out for the best as my marriage has?

Okay. Done for now.

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