I'm Not Dead Yet

Jul 05, 2011

 Quite the opposite, I'm very much alive and kicking, just not so much on OH these days. My boss doesn't seem to understand that when the thoughts race 'round 'n' 'round my brain that I have to write them down and get them out else I cannot focus on my "have to" list such as the things they pay me for. I used to write a lot of my entries at work, but as I am trying to not get fired, I haven't been able to do that as much anymore.
So. What's new with me? So glad you asked. See that gorgeous girl in my avie? not me, the one who actually has boobs! That's my cousin Alicia, she got married this past weekend and I couldn't be happier for her. She's got a baby girl will will be 1 the week after I turn 30. Her new husband adores her adn I have never seem her happier.
She's the cousin I share clothes with now as you might be able to tell from our picture. I learned today that Alicia and I have the same smile and the same nose. I never knew that before. It's not that I didn't notice, it's just that I was so focused on my own imperfections (such as the gap between my front teeth and my weight) that I didn't take the time to appreciate what I do have in common with my family. Alicia and I weren't close growing up, I was closer to her sister who is closer to my age, but not as close to either of them as I am now becoming. I've been jealous of them my entire life and only now can I see it. I've been jealous of Alicia's body since childhood, her blonde hair and green eyes too, but I've also been jealous of that entire section of my family. Did I want to live on a farm with them? Oh hell no! But I have always envied their closeness. They function like a real family. Sure the eldest (and only boy) picks on his sisters (all three of them) but you can see the love in his eyes when he does. I've always wanted that for my very own. Now that I am spending more and more time with them, i wonder why I didn't realize sooner that I could have had this decades ago. I am a part of their family, not a part from it. Every time I come by to visit I feel myself getting drawn deeper and deeper into this family unit and wonder how I could have ever felt like I didn't belong before. They are my family and we love each other. Alicia actually tells me she loves me, more than my immediate family does. At first I didn't know how to respond or react, now the "I love you too" just flows naturally.
So her wedding was at the justice of the peace on Friday, her "reception" was a huge party in her back yard on Saturday. We came, we socialized, we had a great time! We brought turkey burger mockafoni and even though there were like 3 or  real macaroni and cheese dishes, our got destroyed (don't know if anyone realizes it was healthy or not...suckers)
Hey had many activities set up, such as they have a trampoline, swing set, horseshoes, badmitton, etc set up back there. And you know what? For the first time in 20 years I got on the trampoline. I played until I sweated (in my dress) and taught my two year old the joy of bouncing. This is why I am kinda red and shiny in the picture. I took pictures of Alicia's first dance with her new husband, took pictures and a video of her dancing with her father. this was the first of two daddy-daughter dances my uncle will have to do this year, it brought tears to my eyes, he doesn't enjoy making a spectacle of himself in public, but he did it anyway and you could see the love shining through him. this uncle reminds me so much of my grandfather that sometimes i can forget my grandfather is dead because hearing uncle Robert chuckle is indistinguishable from my grandfather's deep throaty laugh. their physical resemblance is also very confusing at times, so there can be tears from time but all in all being with them is happiness pure and simple.
In other news (follow up news):
My PCP thinks that I am either ADD/ADHD or depressed. My best friend (who though is unlicensed but has a masters in psychology) did an unofficial evaluation of me and concluded I am ADD/ADHD (both inattentive and hyperactive). My official evaluation with a psychiatrist is to take place on Wednesday the 13th. She's about a mile from my work, i was thinking about walking there since I feel a lot clearer after physical exertion and I would like to be at my best to get the most out of this. I want to be able to express all my concerns and feelings and I rarely am able to do that unless I prepare speeches, outlines, or have notes with me. After doing some research I agree with my friend's diagnosis but of course will listen to what the doctors tell me.
I finally figured out WHY I am a boredom eater. Eating is something I could always do cheaply, legally, readily available. Bored? Have a cookie, eat this, make that then eat it. Eating takes time away from whatever else you were doing, it's mindless pleasure and for that brief amount of time it lasts, my brain to slow down and not exhaust me for a little while.
I've never been addicted to anything though. I smoked to give me something to do with my hands while I drove (I hate drivin, it's very boring), I drank because it was the only way I could let myself lose control, I never was able to get high during my brief experiemntation so that was a total bust. Gambling just doesn't thrill me. Casual sex was an interesting diversion but now I'm in a committed relationship. So I had sugery, can't use food as freely as before to alleviate boredom, not allowed to smoke or drink, I get laid frequently, but not every time I'm bored... my old standby diversions are pretty much lost to me, which is part of why this is surfacing now.
The other part? All my life I've had to have something bigger than life to focus on. Until about 5 years ago it was the PTSD from the multiple sexual assaults. Once those were dealt with I met my now husband. On our 3rd date I got pregnant, then my grandfather died when I was being induced, then my baby had to spent 10 days in NICU, then came the wedding, and the decision to have WLS, the surgery itself, and the weight loss. All very big things. If these weren't big enough I drew in drama or created it inside my head to the point where it would distract me from the reality of what I needed to focus on or deal with. Now that I have a normal life, I don't know how to deal with it, normal was not anything I was prepared for and I am trying to do everything in my power to not mess it up. I want this life, this healthy body, this wonderful family, my amazing husband, my friends. And yet I have all this anger, and this distractability at work. I can't stay on one thing for any length of time and I refuse to start anything, even things I love. I am perfectly happy once I am doing them, i just can't seem to get started.
I'm doing Zumba now, 2-3 times a week and i feel so much better after those classes, the instructor takes me seriously when i tell her i want to work til i sweat and sweat til i drop.
There are many other things/reasons/symptoms involved, but I don't feel like getting into them right now or with everyone. Besides, I need to wrap this up and finish the laundry, the kitchen, get some sleep... where was i?

Ahh, so I'm still here, even if I'm not as active on OH. I still log my food, I still weigh weekly. i still do all the things I am supposed to do, I'm just losing my socialness. Which is also distressing. I loved the person I was becoming before this set in. I loved being out going and social and in charge and in the thick of everything. I was becoming the person i was meant to be before my emotional stunting, before I hid behind who I thought I should be, before I hid in my protective layer of fat. I'm already turning down invites to things I know I want to do because in the moment I just don't feel like it, afterwards, i regret it. But I will get through this. I have an amazing husband, great friends, fabulous family (for the most part), and more support than many people can imagine. I'm seeking the medical help I need, so I'm going to be okay, I just need to take this leap and get where I am meant to be mentally.

I may be way off bases with this babble and that's fine, but before you tell me that, ask yourself first, how well do you know ME, the real me, and how much of what you are thinking about saying has more to do with you and your own situation, how much is true advice and how much is projection? I'm not looking for answers, I just wanted to share what's going on in my world and in my mind because some people were asking.
Take care, I've got a many more tasks to attempt to complete before bed time, and I'd like to see to as much as I can.

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