jmwjskasick
5/2012
May 15, 2012
Here we are again. I look back and wish I would have followed through with my previous blog post. I wish I would have gotten back on track and by now I could be at my goal weight. But the fact of the matter is I didn't and I'm not.I joined the gym on Sunday and plan to try to go most days after work. So far I haven't been. It's a mental block. I'm not going to sugar coat it, I'm lazy. I worry too much about what people think about me which is why I am in this place. I let myself get the best of me. I create things in my head that aren't there (and even if they are I shouldn't care). My lowest weight was around 265, which is roughly 100lbs lost from my highest. Was I skinny? nope. Was I happy? yes. Would I like to lose more? of course.
Now I sit here at 303 as of this morning. I weighed myself yesterday and was at 297 which is about where I usually hover, but today I was floored again. I had a baby in February, my highest weight was 325. I was back down to 293 10 days after delivery. I was very careful about what I ate and just the stress of being a mommy again made my appetite disappear. Then it came back, full force, and I am where I am. I am breastfeeding as well. For those of you that have never BF, let me tell you, at least for me, anytime my little guy goes through a growth spurt my appetite is unstoppable. I try all the tricks, water, gum, distractions, etc. and nothing works. My stomach just feels empty and grumbly.
I was never so lucky to lose the hunger feelings. Even right after surgery. I wish I would have. I am a food addict. I have realized that now. I have a problem. I am a master of theory but I suck at the execution. The surgery was never going to work for me because I was so far in denial my psych eval even came back clean. Come to find out I am a mess. I started turning to alcohol and drinking a lot of it nightly. I then started Zoloft but am too terrifed to take it because the last time I was on an antidepressant was after my daughter in 2001 and that is where I gained the bulk of my weight (over 100lbs) in a very short period of time. I hope exercise will raise my endorphins enough to where I don't need it.
I feel like I am losing control of my life. Everything is so disorganized and moving so fast. I just want everything to slow down so I can focus on my health and get back on track. I realize that is selfish and totally unrealistic. Time will not stop for me. I have to figure out how to manipulate it in my own way to be successful. It's hard. Even now, I just ate lunch half hour ago and I'm already starting to feel hungry. I don't know what's going on and unfortunately I don't have a doc that can/will follow up with me. My doctor is in Chicago and I haven't seen her in over 4 years. I am too humiliated to go back. She was very stern about follow up care and how important it is. Unfortunately being 4+ hours away and losing my job nixed that plan and left me to my own devices.
ugh. I am disgusted.
I will leave this with a prayer for myself that I can sort through this crap and figure out happy. I just want to be happy.
