jojobear98

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  Target, my favorite store, was out of stock of the red and khaki area rug we had traveled to York to buy. Only a few minutes had passed since we exited the store when I uttered those four words. They were words that had escaped my lips hundreds of times, but never with such determination and confidence as that day. It seemed that I spoke that phrase without thinking about it at all, even though memories of past years and images of my future years had flashed before my eyes.

“I want a divorce,” I said calmly.
“What? You don’t know what you are talking about!”
Again I said, “I want a divorce.”

I had spent the best part of ten years feeling worthless. I was always being yelled at and berated. Nothing I ever did or said was good enough. I felt like one of those goldfish children win at carnivals. I was stuck in a bowl, swimming in the same space, looking at the same scenery, and bullied by the same kid who would randomly poke you or thump the glass just because they could. Fear overcoming you because as you saw that person approaching, you have no idea if they were going to feed and nurture you, or torment you. Swimming around, always hoping for the best scenario even though it was rarely the case. That goldfish was how I felt and I was watching the world go by through a glass bowl and never felt like I was able to jump out into that world.

On a particular Saturday in March, the morning began quite uneventful. After working overtime on night shift, I arrived home. My overweight and clumsy Bassett Hound, Blossom, heard me enter through the door and she trotted her short legs towards me as fast as she could. She was always happy to see me. This morning was no exception. Since I always worked night shifts, it was a routine for me to give her a treat and take her out each morning when I arrived home. However, in the midst of jumping up to greet me, her claw snagged the area rug she was napping on and she made it the entire length of the house and into the kitchen with tan and red string still attached to her front, right paw. She must have unraveled almost half of my new carpet. I had to laugh. She kept tugging on her paw, trying to figure out why she felt slightly restrained. I crouched down, got on my hands and knees, and worked on getting her paw untangled.

Moments later, my husband startled Blossom and I with a loud burst of cursing. He had seen the damage and was not happy. I knew the wrath of his anger and prepared myself for the lecture that was sure to follow. I tuned out all the yelling until it was just background noise and continued to free Blossom from the long strand. The rug ended up looking like a nappy floor covering so I went ahead and rolled it up, knowing it wasn’t worth keeping.  I disposed of the carpet by placing it next to the outside garbage cans; I walked in the living room and suggested that we take a drive to Target in York to purchase a new one. After all, it was just an area rug and it was just an accident.

The ride to the store went quite well. The yelling was over for now.  In the ten years of our marriage, I had learned how to coddle my husband and diffuse a situation. I would even be confident enough to state that I was an expert at dealing with his rage and anger. I knew what to say, how to act and what to do, every time he behaved this way. In the beginning, I would cry because I felt hurt and wounded by his actions and words. Time changed me. I no longer cried. I had almost become emotionless and heartless. My skills that I used to calm him were not even to help him or assist him in his emotions. I was purely selfish in my efforts. I desperately needed and wanted my sanity. Essentially, I did what ever it took to shut him up.

Completely clueless that I would soon be making a life altering statement, we entered the store and found our way to the Home Décor aisle. We searched high and low to no avail. I found an associate to check if there were any that had not been placed on the floor yet. Still, there was nothing. I sighed. We had just refinished the living room a month before and that rug matched perfectly with the red microfiber couch I saved up to buy. Determined to find something similar or better, I mentioned running to a few other stores to look around. He did not want to hear that. He lost his temper right there in the middle of the aisle. He was loud. He was cursing. He screamed at me. He threatened to go home and get rid of Blossom because of what she did.

Not one word came out of my mouth. I turned around and began a swift walk to the exit doors. Spotting the car, I sprinted through the parking lot. He was close behind me, and still angry. He was used to me talking him through situations like this and I was ignoring him. I crawled in the car with a magnitude of embarrassment. I was ashamed of his words. I was ashamed of his actions. Most of all, I was ashamed of myself. How could I live like this? He climbed in the car with his face as red as a ripe tomato. The yelling and cursing continued and I didn’t speak a word. My thoughts were racing through my mind and I just stared straight ahead. I could not bring myself to look at him or make eye contact. This man suddenly felt like a stranger and a complete monster. All of this commotion and all of this anger was because they didn’t have a carpet in stock?

In essence, because Target did not have an area rug, I confidently confirmed my thoughts and emotions by declaring one simple statement.

“I want a divorce.”  

Well I am now 33 weeks pregnant. I can't believe how fast the time has gone. It won't be long till I have my little son in my arms. And it's just as exciting now as it was 11 years ago with my oldest son. I have his room almost finished. I have all his clothes put in the dresser. I have his car seat and stroller all put together. I feel ready for him to come even though it's best for him to wait a few weeks of course! But I don't feel like I am not ready. I finally have things in order and other than a few odds and ends, I am ready for him to come.

I haven't done so well with my weight overall. After I lost Jesse at 20 weeks last year, I packed on 15 pounds. then I have gained another 15 or so this time, with a few more pounds to come. So I am fine with the current weight gain but am ashamed I let myself get out of hand last summer. I was depressed. And I counted on unhealthy habits to make myself feel better.

So the last few weeks, I have been eating more protein and healthy items. I have been cutting out alot of carbs, and trying to drink more water. I am not trying to lose weight by any means, just trying to get ahold of myself and not use being pregnant as an excuse to eat like crap.

I have become excessively obsessed with my extra flab and my saggy boobs. I have to say that I never thought it was going to bother me that much. I figured if I could just lose weight I would be happy. But apparently I am never happy because I definately want to look into plastics by the fall. Definately my stomach, as my PCP feels I can get that covered with insurance. I am mostly worried about my breasts, because I don't have the cash to fix those and that is what bothers me the most about my looks.

But overall, things are good, and I am just fine.

Well, tomorrow I get a vacation day from work. Woo Hoo, right?

Eh, wrong. I have to spend 6-8 hours at the infusion center getting my treatments for my blood. But I am kind of looking forward to it.

I am not looking forward to the IV nurses spending over an hour getting a good vein, or the fact that at least one of my veins will be blown, or that my arm will swell up and burn like hell............

But I am looking forward to boosting those levels up a little. I have been feeling so miserable lately, and with my new pregnancy, it's more important than ever to gets things on track. Especially since severe anemia and hemoglobinopathies can cause intrauterine death. It scares me!

 So .....it's off to the vampires tomorrow to lay there all day! LOL. But I am hoping tomorrow goes better than most times. (I always do, it just never helps!)

So that's my update for the week..........

Wow, sometimes you just never know what is around the corner. "Expect the Unexpected"

I have been doing great with eating the last month or so, and lost nothing. Well I lost a few but gained them back. I have been feeling terrible. My Blood counts are lower than they usually are. And mine are low usually resulting in Blood transfusions and IV iron infusions. But this last month, they have been worse. And of course that causes me to be tired, exhauted and wore out.

Well I found out a few days ago that I am pregnant. WOW! I am shocked. I had a still birth in June. this was very unexpected. Guess my hormones in my body were still raging cause nothing makes sense as to how it happened since I was put on BC immediately after what happened. But SURPRISE!

So I am full of mixed emotions. I am happy......of course. But very scared after what happened a few months ago. I hemmorahaged and almost died. I lost our son. It was devestating. So I am so scared something like that may occur again. I sure hope not!

So My Doc's and I are keeping an close eye on my labs. I go to Infusion Center next wednesday all day for treatments. Hopefully my levels increase after that and we can maintain them with routine treatments.

So I guess My body was going through stuff which explains the weight loss stall, and my exhaustion. LOL

Keep me in your thoughts. The next few weeks will be very tough to get through for me. And I am glad that I can express things on here. I am not telling family and friends for a few weeks until I get an unltrasound and some preliminary tests out of the way. After what happened last time, the less people that know for now, the better.

Well.....it's almost fall. And the summer has gone by so fast. I am continuing to keep up with high protein, no carbs, no sugars. It's not going as well as I'd like but I am still sticking to it. I have lost 5 pounds total. I still have at least 10 more to lose.

I got thinking today. Remember when you were overweight, and a skinny friend would say, "Oh my, I need to lose 10 pounds or even 5 pounds"? I would always be annoyed, roll my eyes, and think...."where the hell do they have 10 pounds to lose"?

Well now I get it! LOL. No matter what weight you are, you always want to lose a few more here, or wish something about was a little different. I have come to the conclusion that I will NEVER be completely happy with myself. But I am the closest I ever was in my life and I am OK with that.

I will never have a perfect body, or perfect features, or great boobs (well maybe, if I can afford surgery one day) LOL, but the point is, I am still trying to be OK with who and what I am. I know I am the best "ME" I can, and that's all I can do.

It's hard to fight my inner "fat" girl all the time. She is the reason I am the kind of person I am today. I can't shut her up, and I don't want to. but it's hard to let some of those feelings go that I felt when I still was her.

I feel like it's a stuggle everyday. Some days it's an easy one, some days it's like the hardest thing ever. But the issues are always there. No matter what.

FOOD..............EMOTIONAL EATING...........
LOW SELF-ESTEEM..........INSECURITY.............
FEAR OF BEING JUDGED.........


All those things are still with me.


But I fight it all. I put on my "bracelets" and fight it off like "Wonder Woman" used to do. (Do they make adult under roos? I loved my wonder woman ones when I was little!)

Anyway, enough rambling. Things are good. I am still "truckin" and working on those last pounds!

So I have been on a kick the last week or so. With being 4 years out...(my surgiversary is on Sept. 2nd) I have found that I act like I never had the surgery. Well not completely but so much of my dicipline has gone. I rarely exercise and eat terribly. I don't eat too much at a sitting. I still get full quickly. But when I eat, I was eating cheesesteak, burgers and fries and junk. Because greasy foods don't make me sick. And so I just slowly let them back in my life.

After going through a still birth in June I kept that weight on and gained more and am disgusted with myself and how I let things go.

So this last week has been back to basics. Meat, cheese, almonds, SFCIB with protein. No carbs at all. And actually it's not hard. I had myself set up to fail because I thought I was not going to be able to handle it but I am enjoying it actually. I am taking time to fix good food for my lunches so I enjoy them so much more.

My Weight at surgery was 242. My lowest weight was 128. I was at 142 when I began watching my food intake again. I have lost 2 pounds this last week and anticipate to continue to lose a little each week till I get to 130ish.

Since I haven't exercised in awhile, I having been walking as much as possible but with 3 kids and a full time job, it's not always possible. So my boyfriend and I decided to get family memberships to the Local "Y". My boys are old enough to reap benefits from a membership and it will help me and my BF get a little more in shape. Plus they have child care to look after the little one while we do our thing.

So I am hoping that by the years end, I am back on track and where I want to be and where I need to be.

My boys start back to school tomorrow so I am excited about that. I always look forward to a fresh start to the year for them. My oldest begins middle school so it's a whole new atmosphere for him that I think he will do great in.

Wow, the WLS is a constant battle that I struggle with. But I went through too much to let it go to hell. So I will keep fighting with it and my "fat girl" inside. She has always been there and always will be. But nothing worth having comes easy. So I am keeping my head up and pushing through.

I also feel the need to do this for my buddy who is getting the surgery in less than 2 weeks. I am her Angel and I think it's important that I portray the right attitude about the surgery. I tend to get all bummed about things alot but I don't want to have that attitude anymore. I want to think, feel and be positive!

 

I have been feeling discouraged lately. I have gained almost 20lbs. The weight gain began with pregnancy. Gained 10 lbs up to the point I lost the baby at 20 weeks. Then gained another 10 after that.....depression I am sure.

Now I am trying to get back on track, eat good, and be concious of things. I have gotten out of alot of my healthy habits and need to get on track again. I forget some of the basics and need help.

I have posted a few things on the forums, but haven't gotten any responses back so I am feeling alone. I am an outsider on the forums so I get over looked and all I want is some guidance and support.

I am not giving up, just realizing the one place I thought would be a "sure thing" to help me.....really isn't.

Oh well.........still trying!