I guess I needed to hear it

Jul 14, 2013

My mother insulted me the other day.  She's 81 and in a nursing home and I was visiting her there on my lunch break.  There wasn't any room to sit, so I sat on the seat of her walker and she said,"Well, when you get older if you ever need a walker, you're going to have to get one a lot bigger than that one".  And she and my eldest sister (who I don't get along with) both started to laugh.  That hurt a lot.  But I didn't say anything cause I didn't want them to know how much it hurt me. 

Since my surgery 5 and a half years ago, I've gained 40 lbs back.  I had originally lost 95 lbs.  If truth be told, after my surgery,I guess I subconsciously believed that I had a license to eat whatever I wanted because I knew that I can't eat much at one sitting.  Then I got to a point where I could eat sweets, which is my weakness.  At first eating sweets was torturous to eat, but somehow six months after surgery, I was all of a sudden able to eat them without getting too sick...as long as I didn't eat much at one time.  Before I even realized I was doing it, I was eating sweets all the time....just a little at one time but more and more often until I could pretty much eat anything, anytime. To be honest, it never even occurred to me to NOT eat them when I knew I could.  My thought, (if you can believe it)  was "I can eat this because I've had a gastric bypass;  I'll lose weight anyway".  Now here I am, back up to 210 from my lowest weight of 170 lbs. 

For three days I was enraged at my mother, thinking to myself what a bitch she was for saying that and laughing!!  And I stewed about it!!  And I was angry!  And I vowed not to go back and see her anytime soon.

Then four days ago on July 10, 2013, I woke up earlier than usual and I was laying in bed thinking, "What the hell are you doing to yourself???  You've been given such a wonderful opportunity and you're wasting it!!  You're 50 years old now,  no kids, no man in your life and you whine that you don't want to be alone for the rest of your life but it seems like you sabotage every good opportunity that comes your way by stuffing your face and MAKING SURE that no one gets close!!  WHY??????  Then it came to me: YOU WANT TO PUSH EVERY SINGLE PERSON AWAY BEFORE THEY HAVE THE CHANCE TO WALK AWAY FROM YOU!!!!!  It WAS a revelation, but I wasn't letting myself get away with that!  That's a COWARD'S way out!!!!!!!!! So I went to work that day (I'm a chef) and I decided that from then on I'm not eating any more refined sugars such as cakes, donuts, ice cream, Mr. Freezies, chocolate bars or anything else of that nature and I haven't. Only fresh fruit for me...and it's ok cause I love fruit anyway.  Frankly I thought it would be harder to do (don't get me wrong, it isn't  easy) but it's a decision I've made and I intend to follow through with it.  I so desperately want to get back on track.  I sure don't want to get back to my pre-surgery weight of 265, yet I believe that I was well on my way!!!

So, as mean as that comment was, I guess I needed to hear it.  Sometimes the truth does hurt.  And it snapped me back to reality.  BTW I'm still pissed at my mom but I suppose I'll get over it in time. lol

0 Comments