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I have my meds, I have my food ready post surgery, I have my vitamins, protein powders and protein shakes.  I have my before and after surgery checklists.

I'm ready. 2 more days.   And boy am I a wreck.  

I do not like the idea of being put out, let alone surgery and it's making me a little crazy.  I thought I was past this point.  I had therapy and I am going through with it.  The fear though.  it's flooded back to me big time in the past few days.   Combined with some problems finding some of the vitamins and problems with a pill I can't crush, I've been on edge for days.   I woke up this morning with a cold sore, my stress personified.   I haven't had one in years.  

I'm getting a handle on it though.  I'm talking myself down.   Chill.  Read, listen to music.   Just get on the ride and let it happen. I sort of want to hang out with some friends, but they all, and I mean, all, are either sick with the flu or have kids that have it, or cold.    Germ Friends.

Hold on Mike, only two more days.

1 week.   1 week from today I'll be in surgery.   Things are getting very, very real.   Optifast has been tough, but I think my real big test is getting on that OR table, and letting go enough to go through with all this.    This is what I have to do,  This is what is necessary to save my life, and give me back one that was better than what I've had for the past 10 years.      Bleh.  Still nervous.  

So I've been walking a lot more later, and I have this little thing to thank for that: 

It's called the Fitbit One.  It's a little pedometer with WiFi dongle to connect to your pc or smartphone.  It uploads all your data to your  online profile and you can use it with myfitnesspal and other partners.   It's pretty amazing and a great motivator to get me off my ass.   It has a social networking aspect in that you can friend people and compete/keep track of their stats.   I love it.    I've walked more this week then the whole month in Dec.    

But really I mostly got it to kick the crap out of my friend's scores.

That's all I got in me today.    One more post before the big day, I think.  It's bound to be a doosey

Optifast Day 15.  

Ice is a miracle.   After i started blending my optifast with crushed ice, I've had no more issues with trying to get through a meal.  in fact, I'm actually starting to like it?   Weird.   I got sick of the poor performance of a magic bullet and my hand blender, and went out and got a great Kitchen-aid 5 speed blender. What a beast!   It's far better at crushing ice and helps make make a large batch of optifast for the day if I'm going to be out and about.    Note:  Smelled bacon the other day.  Almost went mad.  Lived through it.   

So here I am, crossing the midpoint and I'm honestly feeling great.  One thing I noticed is that the weight isn't coming off as fast as others people have noted here, and I don't know why.  Regardless,  I'm happy with the steady loss heading into surgery.  I'm also now completely off my diabetic drugs. Woo!  I've been hovering around 5.5 mmol/L for the past week, and the optifast instructions say if things stay below 6, constantly, stop talking them.   Just when I refilled them all too :

Surgery.  

My pre-admission appointment was today, and everything is a go.   It was great to finally talk to an anesthesiologist.   As I've mentioned before, surgery used to terrify me.  A year later, after some counseling and willpower to see things through, those fears are not as strong as they once were.  It almost seem unreal, after almost 2 years of waiting for this day, to have it just around the corner.   Gonna be the longest 2 weeks ever. 

Well here we go.

It's just under a month to go until my surgery on Jan 16.  I'm feeling a mixture of nerves and excitement at that.   My journey, as they say, has been pretty long.  From being overweight for longer than I actually would admit, to admitting it, to finally realizing that I had to do something to save my life.   That was a hard road, looking at the reality of my situation, facing it.  Realizing that I needed help to break so many bad habbits, emotional triggers and so on.   When I developed diabetes that should have been the big warning, but I sorta blew it off as "my dad has it".   A few years later when my health started to decline and I started to retreat i knew I needed to get something done.   I was recommended a lap-band, but I outright rejected the idea.  Surgery to me as extreme, invasive..   doing something like that, just because I lacked the willpower to stop eating.  It seemed grotesque.   

2 years later, I was told something similar by my endocrinologist.  This time he didn't pull punches.  Sexual function, bowels, organs, my life expectancy.. they were all at risk.    So I decided to the TWH clinic and it's orientation meeting.   Its scared the shit out of me.  I do not like being out of control of my fate, my condition... surgery scared me.  It still does.  I have a very healthy fear of death.  i still got stuff to do.  The stats were terrifying.   But I pushed on and made it through the various meetings and steps.. until I got to the psychologist.  And that's where the shit hit the fan. 

Eating for me is hunger yes, but it's also a love, a companion, someone I went to, a way to deal.   I was dealing with a lot.   I worked with a fantastic psychologist who asked the right questions..and worked on things beyond eating.  About who I am, and what I was doing.  Cognitive behavior therapy.  I recommend it folks.. It's awesome.   I feel like the great breakthroughs in my journey were made here.  And I continue to try and work on these issues.

So here I am.  Scared of surgery?  Yep. Going through with it?  Hell yes.

Now if only optifast wouldn't make me gag.