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I just got back from my Christmas trip home to see the familiy. I did pretty good diet wise - no dumping or puking! And I didn't have any major sugar sickness either. That isn't to say that I ate perfectly - who does at Christmas?! I didn't gain any weight - so I feel like I am a victor!

We had a little snow Christmas Eve and I was able to hold my nieces and nephews - two things I had wanted this year. It was a little stressful going home - we had a LOT of people in a relatively small space and I am a little claustorphobic. I fought the urge to freak out by hiding in my room and reading. It also kept me away from the ever-full dessert buffet.

Let's see, I kind of wanted to list some of the stuff that's happened this year - stuff that probably wouldn't have happened if I didn't have WLS three years ago.

1. In December of last year, I got on a Honda Helix (a big scooter) and promptly wrecked it. The experience shattered my inner resolve and put back a lot of fear and anxiety into my psyche. I never thought I would recover. Fortunately, I got a ticket for no motorcycle license and had to take a beginner's motorcycle class. Within four days I had worked through my fears, and learned to ride a motorcycle. I promptly got back on the scooter - and eventually bought myself a Harley 883R (a racier version of the original) Roadster. I now ride as often as I can, even in the rain! My husband and I are planning a long trip to the Texas Hill Country. We've made lots of new friends among the local riders and are enjoying a new-found shared passion.

2. I was given a promotion from department assistant in one facility to the coordinator for three facilities. It sounds like a big jump, but it really isn't. I've been trained by some awesome people and I was really doing the work already. It's nice to have the official recognition and title now - and an actual office in each facility : ) I think the thing that is so cool is this - three years ago I was happy to just be the assistant. I never thought I was good enough to be in charge; thanks to WLS and a really great company I have realized a career dream.

3. Acute Anemia - something that I would have never experienced pre-WLS. This is the darker side of WLS, one I thought I was going to avoid. I have always been afraid of osteoporosis - so I totally overlooked the anemia. Even though I had set myself up for the whole thing by NEVER TAKING ONE IRON PILL SINCE MY SURGERY. Iron pills made me so sick prior to surgery, that I just never took them. I took my multi-vitamins and my b12 and my calcium. I also took in protein shakes fort the first two years that were fortified with iron. But it caught up with me about three months ago in the form of some dizzy spells and a heart flutter (it feels like my heart wants to jump into my throat) that went from once in a while to all day long. I ended up having to take a week off from work and having an iron transfusion. It wasn't painful - it just took all day and I had to have a bunch of tests and had to be seen by a cardiologist and a hemotologist.
Lesson Learned: My health cannot take a back-seat to my work and my family. Anemia can kill me - so I need to keep it under control. I have to take vitamin and mineral supplements for the REST OF MY LIFE. It will be expensive, but my life depends on it now.

Those are the biggies - the rest was mostly a wonderful blur. My son grew up before my eyes, my husband actually became even more wonderful and amazing, I found a career I wasn't looking for, and I realized friendships were all around me - I just had to reach out and connect.

Very cool year - lots of growth... wonder what's next?

Hi there,

I am trying to get back over here more often - our home computer is a dinosaur and I get so frustrated when I try to use it. Hopefully this year we can do something about that. At work I have been given a lot more responsibility and I just can't seem to justify taking time out of my day to check personal emails and stuff.
Today, however, I do have a little window of time and thought I would drop a line.

Life is good - and getting better. Sometimes I need to hear about another person's problems in order to realize just how incredibly blessed I really am. I try to live with the knowledge that this is all temporary - the good and the bad come and go just as quick as they arrive. I want to live in the Here and Now, enjoying the little moments as they come. Sometimes I get it and sometimes I rush through.

Just the other day I looked at my son (I posted a family pic in the gallery) and realized that in two years he could very well be on his way out of my home and on the road to making his own way - without me. He has grown to be taller than me, with a deeper voice, and is so independent. It hit me right as we were walking into the house with bags of groceries in our arms. I just had to turn look at him and grab him. It took all I had not to turn into a puddle - but I'm proud of myself, I just gave him  a big hug and walked into the house. I don't care if he thinks I'm wierd; I love him and he's the only child I have.

I've been reading a very good book. It's called Living the Low Carb Life written by Johnny Bowden and Barry Sears. It is filled with lots of information and I have found it helpful in developing a personalized approach to my nutritional needs. When I look back at my pre-WLS eating patterns, I can see how carbs were my downfall. I craved carbs because they made me feel better when I was stressing. Even now, I can feel the impact carbs have on my overall sense of being. If I have too many carbs I will be sluggish and sleepy all day. And I will want more carbs and want to eat more all day long. If you don't know a lot about diets and nutrition, I would highly recommend reading this book - it will open your eyes.

Well, I gotta get going - my day is starting to take off without me!

Be Well and thanks for checking in!

How funny, it's been a year since my last post -
I didn't realize I had been away for so long. Things are good for me; I have settled down in many ways, which is really a good thing.

Weight-wise I am holding steady at 168 pounds. Being a woman, I am obsessed with the size on my labels and the number on the scale - and I would like to be at a smaller size and lower weight.

In my mind, 130 is the ideal; something I don't think I will be able to achieve. I did get down to 150 and I didn't look or feel well. Perhaps, if I am taking my vitamins, exercising and eating right - and weight 150 - then it would be OK.

I would also like to be wearing a size 6 - which is funny to me. Logically I know I probably will never be smaller than an 8 - but for some reason 6 sounds better. Plus, if I gained some weight I would still be an 8 or a 9 and that wouldn't be too bad.

Truth be told, I still have some learning to do and it's going to take some time and probably some professional help. I eat pretty much what I want, and sometimes I eat what I shouldn't. I try to exercise daily - but some days I end up parked in front of the TV. Especially after a long stressful day. I take my vitamins - except iron because it makes me so sick. But I don't take them every single day - and I pay for it with low energy, forgetfulness, dry skin and hair that hasn't come back in completely.  My doctor has me taking B12 shots, and wants me to go and see a hematologist for my anemia. Which probably means IV iron therapy; which I can't afford right now, but will do in January. I'm OK with this, because I really really hate taking iron - the cramping and constipation is just more than I can bear.

All this to say I am not perfect - but I am getting better. I try not to get down on myself; I tell myself that it took me 39 years to get to where I was, 1 year to lose the weight and it will take me a lifetime to change my habits.

Gotta Run. More Later. 

Ok, so on November 28 I will be officially 11 months out from surgery. At present the scale is saying 161.5 and I am very happy with that!
I would like to be a little further along with my exercise routine - I look at my friend Melissa's pics and go green - she has been much more disciplined with regard to exercise so she is looking super trim and fit.

Oh, well who am I kidding - I just don't like exercising alone and I don't have anyone to work out with right now. I do walk, but I would like to be doing some weight lifting - but I'm not.

All is well. I will be having my mother in law over for Thanksgiving. I plan on roasting a turkey breast, and making some sweet potatoes, stuffing and gravy and a sf cranberry sauce. I'll have rolls and veggies and a desert of some sort - but I probably won't get too crazy with the sugar free low carb stuff. We don't sit around and eat all day - we're a small family and we don't have a lot to just sit around and talk about because we see eachother so much already.

Christmas will be a different story. We will be going to my parent's and everyone is going to be there (approximately 21 people). I don't see my family but once or twice a year so this is going to be a wonderful and crazy week.

I am planning on bringing a bunch of protein powder and rtd protein drinks so I won't be tempted to graze all day. There's a good grocery store in town so I won't have to worry about being stuck with high fat/sugar foods. I might even try to make a sf pecan pie and see how it goes over.

I used to hate the holidays - it was a time when I would get very low and anxious. I don't see that happening this year though. This year I will have a lot to celebrate. 

Life is so full now - I don't want to miss a thing!!

Hi Everyone!

I meant to get this put up on Tuesday, but I just didn't get the chance until this morning. 

I told you all I would supply you with some info regarding protein shakes and another site or two.

First of all I highly recommend the following site:

www.bariatriceating.com

This site has a great online store. I have bought stuff from them and haven't had any problems.
They also have a fantastic recipe section that is broken down into the basic eating stages. This site saved me when I went from full liquids to pureed/soft foods. If you browse through their store you will find that they have a list of recipes for the protein shakes also.

Another great thing about this site is that you can get sample sizes of the protein shakes. 

Another site to check out is:

www.fitday.com
 
This is a great way to keep up with your caloric intake. You can register and use their basic program for free, or pay for the whole package. The only drawback for me was this - the program doesn't calculate sugar intake. Which is important to us WLS'ers.
Most nutritionists suggest keeping a food diary - and if you are computer savy, this is a pretty nice one.

Protein Shakes

Like I said at the meeting, protein really is a matter of personal taste. You don't have to force yourself to drink a bad tasting powder - there are plenty to choose from that are high quality and tasty at the same time.

Here are three I have tried that I love:

ISOPURE - The best protein on the market, but comparatively expensive. This protein powder comes in several flavors, and even comes ready to drink in fruit flavors. I personally cannot tolerate the fruit flavors or the ready-to-drink type, but try them and see.
You can purchase this at GNC and pretty much any of the health food stores in town. I don't think Sun Harvest carries it though.
The great thing about isopure is it's smooth consistency. The powder is very fine and dissolves well in room temperature water. 
Also has ZERO sugar and ZERO carbs!!!

THE W FACTOR - This is quickly becoming my favorite protein. I have been using it for about a month now and find it to be equal in consistency and flavor to the ISOPURE. Also ZERO sugar and ZERO carbs!

I ran out of ISOPURE, and was looking for something a little cheaper, but tasty. I found this at a local nutrition store (which is associated with a local gym) and was convinced by the guy at the store to try it out. 
This is the same type of protein as ISOPURE (a whey protein isolate) so it blends the same and the flavors are pretty good. So far I have tried the Vanilla and the Banana - both are good.
The best part is the price - a 2 lbs canister is only $28 vs. the $50 or more I paid for the ISOPURE.

Here is the address and phone of the store:
 6100 N. 10TH ST. McAllen, TX 78504 
 Phone: 956.668.9119

NECTAR - I don't know where you can find this locally - there was a place in La Plaza Mall that carried it, but I don't know if they still do. I know BariatricEating.com does.
This is a great alternative to creamy-type protein powders. It dissolves wonderfully in water, has a great flavor alone but is awesome when blended with Crystal Lite.
The Bariatric Eating site has a whole bunch of recipes for this stuff - lots of different ways to mix it up for a wonderful and healthy protein boost.

Just when I thought I was slowing down and maybe settling into 177 pounds, I step onto the scale and see I weigh 169... hmmm, that's interesting.

I am happy to be losing the weight, don't get me wrong. It's just that lately the inches have been melting off and I am looking like the Saggy Baggy Elephant. Of course no one can see the worst of it, but I know it's there and I am a little disconcerted. It's easy to say that it doesn't bother me, but that isn't really true. I'm trying not to be obsessive and focus on the fact that I feel really good and my health is really the focus of this whole journey.

I am still working through some food issues. I need to sit down with a therapist I think. I really don't want to though - it's a big commitment and my life is very busy and unstructured in many ways... OK, I am making excuses because I really don't want to dig into the issues. Just pray for me - I'm not behaving inappropriately so it's not a life threatening thing. I just need to eventually sit down and iron out the triggers that cause me to eat badly.

Here is my little ticker...






TTFN! - Cordelia

What a difference a day makes...

Today is a better day - I think just writing down my feelings and publishing them sort of takes their power away.

What a great group of gals on the December 2006 message board!!! How awesome to have a place to come to and receive open honest support. 

I knew going into this that I had certain issues that WLS would not solve. I guess I was hoping I would have more time before they began to manifest themselves again. I don't how to fix something I thought was always weight related. Now that I am no longer obese, I have to wonder what is going on.

Anyway, I have to get back to work - but I wanted to say I am doing better today and have made an effort to remove any temptations from my desk. I brought a bag of fresh bing cherries and I have my crystal light to drink.

Talk to you soon... Cordelia

I posted this on the December 2006 message board - but not everyone goes there. It's a little revealing - and I'm not totally comfortable sharing this - but maybe that's why I do some of the stuff I do. So, maybe putting up here will be helpful somehow.

OK before I begin I need to let you know a couple of things...

I am currently a few days from starting my period and I have a feeling this is from PMS. That said, I still have a problem; because if this is the way it will be from now on I don't know how I am going to cope.

Last week I officially hit 177 lbs - something I should be happy about, but has actually brought me a great deal of anxiety and depression (but maybe it's because of the PMS - I don't honestly know). Before surgery I would have these kind of wacked out depression/anxiety/loony phases and I usually would get my period a week later. I also get bouts of insomnia mixed with wanting to hibernate. So I am either up reading all night or coming home and hiding out in my dark bedroom surfing cable all night.

Here is the problem I am freaking out about right now...
I am eating BAD stuff - all the time and I cannot stop it. For the third time this week I went over to a secretary's desk in my office and got a handful of M&Ms and ate them with a huge spoonful of peanut butter at my desk. I'm not getting sick either. Last night I took a package of some soft oreo cookies, ate one and was eating a second (while drinking milk mind you) cookie when I just spat the whole thing into the garbage. Then I cried myself to sleep.

I am not hungry but I have this overwhelming urge to just stuff my face with all the chocolate, ice cream, cookies, - anything else that pops into my mind - AND I AM DOING THIS YA'LL!!!

OK, now I am crying because I feel sooo guilty and ashamed of myself. I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH RIGHT NOW. I feel like I am doing this on purpose to keep from finishing this process - I feel like I am sabotaging a whole 7 months worth of effort.

This didnt' happen last month ya'll and not the month before. Which makes me think my body is getting back to 'normal'. Which is VERY scarey for me because I worry this means I will have to lock myself in a cage for a week every month in order to keep from doing this. I feel like a freak and I feel ugly and stupid and so over the top right now.

What is so bizarre about this is that no one even KNOWS - not my husband, nobody - I just go about my day and nobody even knows the HELL I am going through right now.
I am so scared I will ruin this whole thing. I wanted it to go so perfectly... but it's not.

- Cordelia

I've been needing to sit down and write in here for a while, but I've hesitated doing so. Part of me wants to put all my thoughts down, because in doing so I can sort of be free from them. The other part of me wants to hold on to some of  the issues because... well I don't know why. I am at a place close to where a lot of this will be ending and I will have to adjust and begin the last phase of this process - maintenance. I guess I am worried about that because it's been easy so far. I mean, I didn't really DO anything except just adhere to a diet, but even then if I went off of it I would get sick, so it wasn't like I was actually changing my habits, I was just avoiding them.

Lately I have had this ongoing sense of remorse and guilt when I eat. I have been trying to make good choices - with success for the most part. However, I will find myself eating one or two crackers more than I should, or maybe a little more peanut butter than I should. Another thing I did was take a couple of M&Ms from a candy dish. I didn't get sick, but I did get this funny aftertaste in my mouth and I felt sooo guilty afterwards... actually I still feel guilty.

My weight loss has slowed down - I am staying at a weight for about two weeks before I drop again. It's only been 7 months - I am getting discouraged.

Which sort of pisses me off, because I have lost 100 pounds - something to be thrilled and excited about. When people comment or congratulate I get excited, but by myself -inside myself - I only have worry and dread.

I need to get out and DO something that has nothing to do with me. I want to join a softball team or help on a committee. I want to be distracted from my inner self. People weren't made to be alon all the time with their own thoughts - it's not right.

My son will be home next week and I can begin getting him ready for school and putting some energy towards his needs. Church bible studies will start up again soon, so I can do that. I would like to have one day a week where I was part of a team or something though.

I went to my family reunion - and had a blast! I was so nervous about seeing my mom for the first time since the surgery. My mom has carried the burden of my weight loss for so long. She agonized with me and for me when I was a teenager - she tried to help me as much as she could, but it's clear to me now that I was so full of self-hatred and poor self esteem that no one could have really helped me. I just wasn't ready to do something for myself.

Anyway, when my dad and I stepped inside my mom's store, I could see she was blown away. She just kept hugging me and looking at me - but she had a hard time looking at me so she would just hug me. At one point she whispered ' are you still in there??'

What's funny, is that for the first time I felt like the me that has always been inside was actually easier to see - but she wasn't ready for the profound change in my appearance. Then she had to take me to see her friends at the beauty parlor around the corner. It's really cool to 'shown off' by your mom.

My mom has always been very supportive of me - don't get me wrong. She has been so wonderful and has sacrificed a lot for me and my siblings. I couldn't ask for a better mother. In a way, I didn't just have this surgery for me - I also did this for her too.

So we went to the reunion - which was so good for my ego. Everyone who recognized me just made over the change. The rest of the folks who didn't recognize me at first were so surprised! It was very cool. Reunions are great times for me - I love seeing my mom's family. We usually sit and eat and sing and reminisce. My mom's family is from the Rolla area in Missouri - country folk.

Then I came home and got to participate in my girlfriend Genies wedding. She is so special, and has been very supportive of me. It was good to celebrate her happiness. She asked me to be in the wedding - I read a scripture - which was very special.

It was also fun because I got to dress up - something I LOVE doing nowadays. I found a great Calvin Klein sundress - not very flashy but very classic lines. Shopping for the dress and accessories was so energizing for me. There is nothing more wonderful (for a woman) than to pull a dress off the rack, put it on, and look  fabulous!

I don't like the newer styles too much - the're too 'hoochy'-looking. I like clean lines, with simple patterns and good material. I'm not a prude - I love sexy - but with style, and in an unassuming way. Know what I mean???

WOW - writing this all down does feel better. It also makes me accountable, which is what I think I was wanting to avoid. I know what I need to do - God give the courage and wisdom to take the first steps in doing what is right and good for me.

Take care friends!
Cordelia

OK, I have officially lost 100 pounds!



I need to put a lot more in, but I don't have time to right now. Check back later this week for an update..