Feelings

Sep 05, 2009

I have been reading the boards everyday and appreciating the feelings and advice of pre and post op VSGers.  I've learned a lot but have not posted a blog in awhile for fear of having a negative attitude.  I realize that this is a gift.  A second chance at life.  I admire those that don't ever say negative things and continually offer praise.  I was embarrassed to be having negative feelings and didn't want others to judge me as one of those people that complains and does not appreciate the gifts.  However, I realize that this blog is for me.  This is a testimonial to MY experience for me to read in my future.  So, with that being said, I shall start with the positives. 

1)  I feel lucky that I was able to afford this surgery, have a supportive "man friend" and realized the importance of it before I was older or with comorbidites.
2)  I've lost 18 pounds.
3)  I don't feel self conscious when I bend over in front of my co-workers and patients.
4)  I wore a tight 16 before surgery and should have been wearing an 18.  I bought snug 14s today and a couple of cute size large shirts at the Gap.
5)  When I picked my kids up from the airport after not seeing them since before surgery, they both said that I "looked skinny".
6)  I'm watching a Weight watchers commercial right now and feeling relieved that I don't have to join... AGAIN.
7)  Co-workers notice and comment on my weight loss everyday.  I can see the amazement in people's expressions when they haven't seen me in awhile.
8)  My incisions look great.  I think I'll have minimal scarring.

Now for the negatives....

1)  Tomorrow is 4 weeks and I think I need to stay on mushies.  I've tried to advance as directed and have vomited 3 times.
2)  I am feeling sad that I had this surgery.
3)  I will never be able to eat a yummy FULL bowl of pasta noodles or Thai noodles at one sitting again. 
4)  I like spicy food but cannot tolerate it without drinking water with my meals.
5)  I feel obligated to make up excuses to restaurant workers like "I'm just getting over the flu", or worse, "I'm pregnant".
6)  I feel more embarrassed than happy when people make comments on my weight loss.  It's almost like a feeling of shame that I chose to have surgery instead of losing weight the traditional way.  Only a couple of people know about the surgery.
7)  I feel like I'm missing out on life without good  food and in an abundance.  Ironic, huh??
8)  I'm going to see family on 9/25.  I was hoping to be much thinner by then.
9)  I'm not really following the rules.  I don't have room for all of my water.  I definitely only get about half of the protein that I need.  I just don't feel like I have room and I'm so nervous about vomiting!

And finally....

10)  I'm pretty sure I'm in a stall.  No weight loss for 11 days, which I'm sure, is related to number 9.

No negative comments are needed.  I just wanted to put my feelings on paper.  I make a habit of reading all of the great advice that everyone gives and know what I'm doing wrong. 

I promise to post a more positive post at a later time.

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