Knikko
Ends of my rope...
Feb 17, 2009
Today, I am not feeling the best. I have been having very bad headaches for a while and just got diagnosed with migraines last week. If it is not one thing it is another. I am in school as well and last semester it was sleep apnea, now it is migraines. I feel so discouraged today and feel as if I have no where to go for help. Money is the biggest issue of why I can't get the surgery or any kind of help for that matter. I’ve wanted to try the Atkins diet again but the cost of food out here is outrageous since it is a high protein diet.
I've tried everything; I wish I knew of more places to go and where to turn for help. I keep having images lately of me dying and my 4 (soon to be 5) year old son left behind. This really scares me. You would think that these images would encourage me to loose weight and that I could use my son as a source of inspiration. It's not working.
I never used to care what I looked like or whether or not anyone liked me. This does nothing to oneself, because you are your own worst enemy. Now that I am nearly done with school and will have my first bachelor's degree in Health Services Administration; all I can worry about is not fitting the image of professionalism. As a person who is going into health services, I should at least look the part. It just doesn't feel right to support and preach healthy systems when I don’t epitomize health. My insurance won’t help cover anything except my medications and supplies for my illnesses and IHS benefits are limited. Diabetes, GERD, hypertension, depression, sleep apnea and now migraines; not to mention that doctors discovered I have an exceptionally large liver that is 3 times the size it should be. I tried following up on this and doctors don’t seem to be concerned about the size. It would cost an arm and leg to get a second opinion in Anchorage so I am basically stuck here in Bethel. I am feeling disposable and not worthy of anything. I am beginning to understand addictions to drugs and alcohol because I am addicted to food. Food is a constant comfort and I don’t have hangovers from it. It is a love and hate relationship with food. I remember being goofy with a bunch of my friends and stated that when I die I hope my heaven will have buffets of yummy food. My friend’s husband looked at me and said that he didn’t think God supported gluttony. I answered teasingly but serious, “Well in my heaven, it does.” That was a huge wake-up call for me and taking those steps to admitting I am addicted to food. Now that I admitted it, where do I go from here?
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I never used to care what I looked like or whether or not anyone liked me. This does nothing to oneself, because you are your own worst enemy. Now that I am nearly done with school and will have my first bachelor's degree in Health Services Administration; all I can worry about is not fitting the image of professionalism. As a person who is going into health services, I should at least look the part. It just doesn't feel right to support and preach healthy systems when I don’t epitomize health. My insurance won’t help cover anything except my medications and supplies for my illnesses and IHS benefits are limited. Diabetes, GERD, hypertension, depression, sleep apnea and now migraines; not to mention that doctors discovered I have an exceptionally large liver that is 3 times the size it should be. I tried following up on this and doctors don’t seem to be concerned about the size. It would cost an arm and leg to get a second opinion in Anchorage so I am basically stuck here in Bethel. I am feeling disposable and not worthy of anything. I am beginning to understand addictions to drugs and alcohol because I am addicted to food. Food is a constant comfort and I don’t have hangovers from it. It is a love and hate relationship with food. I remember being goofy with a bunch of my friends and stated that when I die I hope my heaven will have buffets of yummy food. My friend’s husband looked at me and said that he didn’t think God supported gluttony. I answered teasingly but serious, “Well in my heaven, it does.” That was a huge wake-up call for me and taking those steps to admitting I am addicted to food. Now that I admitted it, where do I go from here?