krizzti

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Finding I get on here less and less!

Okay, I'm a little over nine months out.  I started out this journey at about 245 pounds.  Today I weigh 126 pounds and my size 8 jeans are too big around the waist.

I am still much more careful about what I eat, although I do catch myself nibbling at naughty foods like cookies or brownies if they are in the house.  Not a dozen cookies like I could have done in the past, but now I might have a bad day and eat 2 or 3 cookies in one day and that is just not a good thing to do.  Therefore we do not keep these foods in the house much anymore!  I did buy some Omega 3/Flax cookies with cranberries in them.  I think one cookie has 6 grams of sugar.  I have them handy for sugar cravings. 

I know this is a healthy weight for me and I do not want to gain anything back, but I also don't want to lose much (any) more.

Going to Cancun with Jim in December... looking forward to wearing a bathing suit on the beach!  It's been years!  And a sun dress!  And a cocktail dress!  :)  Kind of funny to think of spending a week at an all-inclusive resort; they're really getting their money out of me since I can't eat/drink like 'normal' people!  lol  Should be a good time, though.  Really looking forward to it.

Was nice to chase down some horses in the pasture with Brenda on Saturday and not be out of breath.  Also a little easier to maneuver up/down/over hills and holes and what have you, when there are 119 less pounds to carry!

I am more fun to be around, I have more fun being around people, I am more active, I am less moody, I am more confident and more productive.  I am happy.

Wow, it's been a while since I posted a blog!

Surgery January 20.
Today June 21.
Down to 156 pounds.  YAHOO!  :)
I've been doing the Couch Potato running program for... I dunno, maybe a month or so?  Pretty faithful about doing it three times a week.  Oh, and I just keep repeating Week 3.  But I feel so much stronger and healthier than I did when I wasn't exercising.
Not excited about watching my hair fall out every time I put a brush through it, but I had tons of hair to begin with so it's not noticeable to anyone but me.
Love that I can go outside for a walk without dreading it.  Also enjoying doing things around the yard more.  Part of it is feeling stronger and more confident about being seen in public, but another significant part is that I'm not so hot all the time like I was with all my extra 'insulation.'  Actually enjoy being out in the warm sun instead of avoiding it.  :)
People are noticing the weight loss.  I don't TOTALLY lie about it.  I tell them I'm running in the mornings (which I am) and that I no longer eat McDonalds every day (which I don't) and that I have given up my daily Venti Mocha at the Starbucks drive-thru (which I have.)  Some people have been so bold as to ask how much I've lost.  I tell them I've lost over 30 pounds since July (which I have... but it's more like 89 pounds since January...)
I sometimes find myself in the middle of a meal and thinking 'wow, shouldn't i be full by now?!' - and then a few bites later I feel stuffed to the gills and put down my fork.  The only sugary thing I have is the almost-daily cup of coffee with french vanilla creamer.  I only end up drinking half of it, so I guess it's not so bad.  Sometimes I think I want a soda so I'll buy a bottle of Diet Coke.  I don't like how the fizziness makes me feel, so I throw it away.  Then a few days later I go for a Diet Coke again.  Maybe someday I'll learn!  lol
I don't dump, so that's cool.  A few times I've been not-careful-enough with my bite sizes and have ended up with food (usually meat) blocking my stomach.  I know right away when it happens, go into the bathroom and throw it up, wait a while, then can finish my meal.  My own fault, gotta cut my pieces smaller!
One habit I need to break is going out for meals.  I don't do it as often as I used to, but here's the deal.  I never order anything fried anymore.  Usually some kind of grilled meat or something with cooked veggies.  If it's a pasta dish, I eat the meat out of it.  The rest all goes to waste.  I need to get away from ordering the 'regular people' meal and go for the cup of soup right off the bat.  Even though I take home the leftovers, after working on eating them meal after meal I end up throwing them away.  Big waste of money.  So I need to work on that.
Have been eating Total cereal for breakfast; usually without milk.  I overheard an elderly woman talking about how her doctor has been happy with the improvement in her iron since she started eating Total... so I went out and bought some. 
Have been pretty good about keeping up with my vitamins.  Not good at all about getting my liquids in.  I vow to get back on track with that starting today.
Today's lunch:  leftover omelette from Perkins from yesterday.  :)

The morning of surgery: 221+ pounds. 
Today:  188.2. 

Hubby took me clothes shopping last weekend, even though I tried explaining I'll shrink out of them fairly quickly. He didn't care.  The jeans hanging in my closet are size 24.  The jeans I bought last weekend... size 18.

I feel good.

I am having a hard time getting in my protein and liquids.  The last couple of weeks have been the worst about that, especially the liquids - no longer like the taste of water, can't stand the flavored waters.  The only thing I like these days is iced tea, so going through quite a bit of that.  (I don't like the flavored teas, either.)

I'm much less self-conscious about going out in public, I've noticed.  That's a nice change.  I also noticed, yesterday, that when I get in my car and put on my seatbelt, I lean to the left as I click the seatbelt into place.  I must have needed to get my fat out of the way to get the seatbelt to click in the past.  Gotta re-adjust, now that I fit in the car seat just fine! 

The snow is melting.  It's a bit warmer out.  (I remember going for a walk a few days after surgery when it was 16 below zero!)  Looking forward to re-starting the Couch Potato to 5K running program.  Maybe I'll start Monday morning.  I need to build my muscles back up; can't believe how incredibly weak I am these days!

Snuck one french fry out of a Wendy's bag when I swung through to pick up a Baconator for hubby last week.  Took one bite of the fry, opened the car window and spit it out.  YUCK!  I can't believe I used to eat that crap!  Yuck.

The only thing that's really tempted me is Coke.  Took a sip of Jim's Coke last week, that was enough for me.  Not interested anymore.

Oh, I lied.  Something else is tempting me.  The ice cream aisle at the grocery store.  I did give in and I bought some "No Sugar Added" fudgecicles.  That's as close as I'm getting to ice cream.  Even the low sugar stuff will be such a waste of eating... if I'm gonna cram something down my gullet, it needs to have protein in it.  So I guess that settles that.

Booked a vacation in Cancun for December.  Our Honeymoon/5th Anniversary (early) Vacation.  I'm pumped.  I imagine I'll be willing to don a swimsuit by then - woot! 

Last thing.  I have a hair on my chin.  All day I have been sitting here at my desk trying to pull it out with my fingertips.  I'm considering taking the staple remover to it.

The end.

Five weeks out.  Unlike my last post, I feel like crap.

I have had my "time of the month" every day since the first of December.  While I was on the table for my surgery in January, they also did a D&C and told me it would take care of the bleeding.  Nope.  Five weeks later, not only am I bleeding, but it's uncontrollable to the point I had to take Tuesday off for fear of what could happen if I went to work like this.

Saw the gyn on Tuesday, she put me on birth control.  Three a day.  Side effect = nausea.  She didn't mention it would be nausea from hell that would make my life even more miserable.  "Call me in two days if the bleeding doesn't stop."

I called her.  Hmm, not really anything else she can do or suggest, just keep taking them.  UGH.

So here I am, another day of not being able to eat or drink anything because this nausea is so awful... so miserable.  I tried to take my B12 this morning and gagged everything up into my trash can at my desk.

As far as the weight loss, HOLY SMOKES is it coming off fast.  I posted about a plateau a few weeks ago... well that sure isn't a problem anymore!  As of this morning I'm down to 193.6.  My surgery weight was 227.   I know I should be more excited, but I'm just too miserable to be excited about it.

Today is the first time I'm feeling completely "fine."  I'm not in pain.  I'm not freezing.  I don't feel weak. I can drink my water without it feeling like a chore. 

I like this feeling.  Normal.  Not like a surgery patient.  I like it.  I sense this is the turning point where I stand back and go, "Hey, I'm really glad I did this." 

Yay!

So far, so good.

I was SO HAPPY to move on to the pureed food stage; I could not handle one more sip of broth! 

20 pounds down from surgery weight.  But my pants still fit the same.  Weird.

As of Friday (6 days ago) I have hit a plateau.  That scale is not moving.  I'm terrified.  What if this is it?  It can't be, right?  I'll keep plugging along and hope that things start moving in the right direction again soon.

I was a little bit afraid of the pureed diet, since the thought of liquid meat really disgusted me.  But ya know, it's not bad. 

Steven has noticed the change.  Nobody else has.  I'm okay with that.  I didn't want to bring a lot of attention to myself.

Feeling weaker and weaker by the day instead of stronger.  Is that strange?  Maybe I returned to work to soon (I'm pretty sure I did).

This may be "TMI" for some, but I'm going to write about it anyway.

On December 10th, I contacted my doctor with a concern about a heavy, extended period.  (See, TMI already.)  Lots of bleeding, lots of clotting.  This was the second week of it, and my husband urged me to call.

The doctor wanted me to leave work and go to the ER.  No.  In the past, every medical issue I've had is unfounded.  I leave this doctor or that doctor or that specialist with a "Sorry, we don't see anything wrong" - this gets expensive and frustrating.  They convinced me to come to Urgent Care after work for some tests.  Fine.  My doctor said she'd call me the next day with results.

No call the next day, or days after that.  I chalked it up to yet another "Sorry, we didn't see anything wrong."  Figured maybe she was feeling sheepish.  Whatever.

Last week I emailed my doctor.  I explained that the bleeding/clotting was still a problem, and asked if we could discuss birth control post-surgery to help control the bleeding.  I received a response from her nurse saying we could talk about it at my pre-op visit on January 14th.  Okay.

My doctor sits down at my pre-op, looks at my chart, and asks "What were the results of the ultrasound?"

Huh?  What ultrasound?  Turns out my records show I was supposed to have an ultrasound done of my uterus after my visit to Urgent Care.  Not sure how I was supposed to know that.  Someone dropped the ball.

Everything looked good for my pre-op, but my doctor would/could not sign off on it until seeing the results of the ultrasound.  Fine.  I made an "ASAP" appointment at a specialty center an hour away, they squeezed me in at 4:45 pm on Thursday.

Friday afternoon I received a call from my doctor.  The ultrasound shows the lining of my uterus is extremely thick, and cause for concern.  (I have always had very irregular periods, and was warned way back in 1998 that several months without a period could eventually result in cancer.)  A biopsy is needed.  Okay, tell me when.  We're running out of time here.  (Remember, she won' t sign off on my pre-op...)  She tells me she'll do some checking and call me back.

She called back to say she spoke with other doctors, and the biopsy won't do it; I need a D&C.  Again, okay, fine, just tell me when and where.

She isn't sure if the surgeon will require the D&C be done before surgery or if he will be okay with performing surgery with the "uterus problem" knowing I will follow up with the D&C the following week.  She left a message for the surgeon, posing this question.

I am not in the medical field.  I'm just an Administrative Assistant.  But even I know that that chances of a call back from a surgeon are slim on a Friday afternoon.  Call me crazy.  I get on the phone and start calling my surgeon's "people."  I tell them what's going on.  They inform me that the surgeon is in surgery all day, but suggest to hurry and get the D&C done, just make sure there's enough recovery time between that and my surgery on Wednesday. 

I called my doctor's office and spoke with her nurse.  Relayed this information.  She spoke with my doctor, got back on the phone, and told me they are doing nothing more until they hear back from the surgeon.  WHAT?!  I explain that the surgeon is not calling them back any time soon, he's in surgery all day!  It's Friday afternoon.  Monday is a holiday.  Wednesday is my surgery.  We're in crunch time and I need this to move along!  I offer the cell phone numbers of my surgeon's "people" and apologize for stepping on toes as I re-iterate my concern about lack of time here.

Several phone calls later, no progress is made, but they have a Plan A and Plan B.  Plan A is to have the procedure done while I'm on the table for my surgery.  Makes sense, right?  The challenges would be finding a doc at the U to do it on Wednesday morning (citing to ME the fact that we're running out of time! lol) and getting the insurance to cover it being done at the U as opposed to a 'regular' doctor.

Plan B is to go ahead with surgery on Wednesday, and follow up with the D&C a week later.  That's fine, too, but my boss will be angry that I will need more time off work.  (I was planning to return to work one week after surgery.)

Both plans are great... as long as the surgeon will do the surgery without the procedure being done ahead of time.  Crossing my fingers that he will.  His "people" claim I should have an answer tomorrow morning.  We'll see.

Surgery is scheduled for January 20th.  That's only 17 days away.  It was around 4:30 this morning when that really hit me. 

I was originally planned to have surgery on November 25, 2009 - the day before Thanksgiving.  I chickened out approximately 2 weeks before.  I'm still not exactly sure why I got cold feet, but I know I was dreading giving up my 'way of life' - i.e. McDonald's, Starbucks, and snacking my way through the evening while sitting on my favorite chair in front of the TV.

Two things changed my mind.  First of all, one of the staff from the sugeon's office called to talk to me about why I changed my mind.  She didn't call me the day after I scheduled, she called about a week later.  She didn't beg me to come in, she didn't make me feel guilty for wasting everyone's time.  The point that sticks out in my head today, and that prompted me to re-think surgery, was "You are exactly the type of candidate that's perfect for this surgery..." followed by the reasons why.  I told her I would think about it and call her back with my decision.  On my way home that night, I realized that the huge life change that I was afraid of (giving up McD's, Starbucks, etc.) was already done.  When I started the Couch Potato to 5K running program in August, I basically gave up McD's without much thought.  I no longer crave it or sneak it or enjoy it at all, really.  I had also cut back on my Starbucks Drive-Thru chocolatey frothy treats to twice a week and wasn't missing it during the days between.

Then I thought about how I would regret NOT having surgery.  I hate looking in the mirror.  I hate having my picture taken.  I do not let my husband see me or touch me.  I terminated all social activity because I am embarassed to be seen in public.  I'm uncomfortable, I hate the clothes that DO sort of fit me, I was crushed over the summer when I couldn't go on rides at Valleyfair with my daughters because I was too large to fit in the seats (I could fit in some, but was terribly uncomfortable and prayed for the ride to be over!) -  - Was I really going to MISS this 'way of life' if I had surgery?  I called the surgeon's office back the next morning to re-schedule.

As of today, I am three pounds shy of my weight loss goal set by my surgeon.  My weight fluctuates quite a bit; earlier in the week I came in one pound less than goal weight, and two days I was AT goal weight.  A combination of strep throat and sub-zero temperatures have hindered my morning runs (okay, let's be honest, they're walks with a little running tossed in for good measure! ha ha) so I'm hoping to get out tomorrow and Wednesday morning so I can be at goal weight for my weigh-in on Wednesday afternoon.

And just a short background on my weight leading up to today... I was always one of the heavier kids in my class.  In 8th grade I developed a crush on a boy, so I walked my dog into town quite frequently - about a mile each way.  Over the course of that summer I went from a size 10 to a size 7.  By age 17 I was a size 5, but this was after three years in an abusive relationship with a lunatic who was huge on body image as well as controlling everything I did - including eating/not eating.  The day after I left him, I found myself gorging on brownies and whatever else was available, and have steadily gained weight ever since.  For four years I worked in a jail, which kept my weight somewhat steady (although still considered obese) but when I changed to a desk job in April 2006, I gained 20 pounds by my wedding on June 2.  I gained an additional 45 pounds after that.  Yikes.

I'm not scared of surgery now.  In fact I'm looking forward to it.  I've started stocking the fridge with sugar-free jello and applesauce and pudding cups and various flavored waters.  I've got some protein shake samples on the way.  Still steering clear of McD's and not missing it.  Starbucks still sees me once a week; this will be a difficult one.  So is the smoking. I found that it was easy to lure myself into a morning walk/run if I knew it began and ended with a super secret smokey treat in the driveway.  A bit harder to get out of bed knowing I don't have that smokey carrot dangling in front of my face anymore. 

Okay.  I'm done rambling.  :)

k