Month #10 - Head Hunger Is a Beast!

Jan 28, 2009

     I'm eating more, and it's scaring the hell outta me.  My daily calorie count is almost always over 1200-1300 calories, and I'm constantly kicking myself about it. I can also tolerate sweets better...not good. My refrigerator is full of take-out containers, most of which I will probably throw out.  I eat out a lot as entertainment, but I did finally make taco soup the other day, and I'm still eating from that batch. Sometimes, I feel a little regret that I can't eat a full meal because eating has always been a way to entertain myself.  It was an event that I could attend at the end of a long day and feel satisfied.  I miss it like an old bathrobe...comfy and cozy. 
     One upside is that inches seem to continue to slowly come off, but I'm getting more flabby from not exercising.  I finally started exercising again this week after a 2-month hiatus (I know...shame on me).  For that, I'm proud of myself.  This time I will take it slow and easy, and I will hire a trainer to keep me accountable and uninjured.  I spend so much of my time these days thinking about food, what I can snack on.  My surgeon suggested portion control at my last visit, and I'm usually pretty good about it.  At times, I can't seem to get enough, and it seems like my old stomach has grown back! 
     I've skipped 2 support group meetings because I feel so unworthy to announce my loss during that portion of the meeting, embarrassed that I have not made more progress.  I think I need to make more of an effort to connect my desire for food with my emotional state.  Boredom leads to this behavior very often.  One good thing is that I'm sleeping a lot better these days, and I don't need Ambien CR as much anymore.  I have to cut them in half because a full 12.5 mg makes me forget things I do in my sleep.  Again, not good.  I don't want to wake up one morning and discover that I cursed somebody out or sent a text about my true feelings about someone.  
     It's important to remind myself that I am not a full year out from surgery, and that I've come such a long way from where I was.  I often think about the toilet seats I broke in each of my 2 bathrooms.  I don't regret this surgery for a single minute.

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