ladyasha

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Wow.  It's been a year since I've updated here.  A year and no progres, that's not good.  Two months ago, my Dad died unexpectedly.  He was 55.  Which is ridiculously young in my family, where people live to be 85+ easily. 

I think about how stressed he was with working and supporting family, never taking care of himself.   I don't want that to be me.  I dislike being unhappy, and though I have some reason to be sad with his loss, this is more than that. 

I'm not often given to true depression.  I know I should seek professional counsel and possibly even some medication but frankly, I have no faith in medicine any longer.  I did everything I was told with the RNy and never got below 200 lbs.  Instead I ended up with more severe anemia, a strongly weakened immune system due to malabsorption and general lack of nutritional health, and a disbelief that I can actually do this.

If you're just starting down the WLS road, you may not want to read this.  It's been 5 years and I feel like the same girl still failing at the basic ability to take care of my body.  I miss going dancing and having the energy to swim every weekend.   I miss feeling optimistic about the day and waking up early with energy to spare.  Mostly, I miss feeling like all the work, careful eating and exercise was worth it.

Now, I'm just a statistic.  And frankly, that's sad.

So, I find myself reading my story and wondering who that girl was doing the writing.  She was so hopeful and diligent.  Where the hell did she go?  Did she drown in disappointment when the plateaus started?  Did she give up on following the rules when they didn't seem to be working?  Has she died or is she just in hiding, waiting to come to her sense?

I'm not entirely sure, but I need her back.  I need the girl that doesn't look twice at sweets, considers water her new best friend and enjoys the challenge of the gym.  I'm not her at the moment and it shows.

What am I going to do?