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I hit a lonnnng speed bump in my journey about one month ago.  I was feeling draggy and down about my weight loss, or lack thereof.  I had maintained the same weight for about one month and only lost a little bit since Christmas.  about 8 lbs as of now.  Before I was steadily losing about 2 lbs per week or even more, so this was really hard to take.  I was eating more and the things I was eating or snacking on were not what I should be. I certainly wasn't indulging in large amounts of anything, but the picking I was doing was out of frustration and boredome...I wanted crunch! crackle! some spice! so I was chomping on tortillas (even t hough they are multigrain, that does not mean healthy) and croutons and cereals.  But not a lot of anything.  This is what really got me down was how little I actually ate compared to before surgery...then it was ridiculous...I was also feeling down that I would only eat that small amount at meal times for the rest of my life.  Or even less if I was to lose more and get to my goal. I was so down that I was not losing like I had thought I would in my long range plan.  fI was feeling old and tired; found my iron was low at my January appt. so that was an issue - that took me a while to grow accustomed to - the iron pill was tough to deal with.

I think I'm on a better road now..I know I am...I feel better and not so moody...I feel that I am back on track and have actually droppped a few pounds

Well, here it is another FOGGY crummy day....I've had enough...there is a reason I don't live in Seattle!! Anyway, I do know that feeling good and feeling strong (usually every day now) has helped me not be so bothered by the weather we've been having.  Before, it would have been cause for grazing....the night away....cuz it's just a downer to me.  Now, it's just a mere annoyance...but sure makes me enjoy the sun when it's out...it was for a short time today...but it's gone again....tonite and tomorrow look nasty with a weather system settling in.  Again, it's not too bad now to deal with since the happy brain cells are more engaged.

I'm struggling a little with weighty issues....just not going down again since my loss right after Christmas...it's hard to keep the numbers going down....I know I was eating a bit much in between my meals....so I've cut back again...my mind keeps wandering toward some crunching and it's just not going to win!!! No!  So, I sit with a nice warm peach tea.....this afternoon I didn't have my extra snack that I've been getting in...I simply did not pack it today. So....there was nothing to eat, so I didn't eat.  Simple. 

Still, sometimes it's a bummer because I think of how I will continue to fight this my WHOLE life.  Well, at least I am fighting and not just giving up.  At least I have done something serious and know that I will have it forever...just need to play by the rules.  That's hard.  Sometimes harder than others.

"Cause if you're willin to go through all the battling you gotta go through to get to where you wanna get, who's got the right to stop you.

Now if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth.
But you've gotta be willing to take the hits.
And not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody."

Thank God Christmas is over!  Well, almost anyway...it's January 5 and we still have one more family thing to do.  But it's a small bit of people...my family and we can have a decent lowfat high protein meal with out all the crap.  My family is not big into the crap and is satisfied with whatever I put out.   I'll do steamed shrimp and cocktail sauce...veggie & dip (made with nonfat greek yogurt)...sauteed spinach with feta, chicken, and steamed carrots.  I'll also make some brown rice risotto for the gang ...that will not be for me! 

So Christmas I was up 2 pounds for a week!  what a waste!  I had to fight that one off...damned cookies.  BUt after my son and his friends were here, most of them disappeared and whatever is left, gets thrown out.  They're stale now, right!?  I was proud of myself that I got right back on my plan and went to the gym and did my exercises plus walked the dog out in the cold...DOWN and UP the big hill!  What a great feeling....I would never have done that BEFORE....if I did, it was aversive conditioning....I would feel so bad and so worn out that I wouldn't attempt it again for a long long time.  BUt, this was excellent....actually I think the dog was more tired than me!

I will cook so I can be in control I like control and food issues make me crazy if I'm not.  I've had a bad time the last two weeks....well, not bad all around...but a few days I felt like grazing and thank GOD!  I got sick! both times...DUH slow learner or what?  I was thinking, hmmm...too bad I don't dump from this chocolate (I went outside of my little square of 86% that I eat every day....I ate some crappy candy (well, good quality but uber sweet) and didn't dump...but thankfully being a little stupid and bored, I ate some other stuff and BARFED.  so....it made the association with the candy a strong one....revulsions!  Thank God for little favors.

I am feeling so good most of the time...a few things really pissed me off and I'll blog them here.  Lisa, if for some reason you can read this, well fine.  You deserve it.  You hurt my feelings...well, your obvious lack of tact and normal human emotion pissed me off....CaroleAnn stood right there and commented on my 75 POUNDS of weight loss...and you said nothing.  Fine. Be a princess.  I haven't seen this person in how long and can't say one thing?  I don't care really...it's just the way she is....but not to say anything??? geez.  It's okay that others (including me) compliment you...but nothing?  Well, she's not the only one who didn't say anything...but who cares?  Maryanne didn't say anything either....always Denise notices and compliments me...I don't really care about the actual complimenting, but noticing is 1. a nice thing to do to acknowledge someone's major life changes and hard work and 2. gives much needed support.  I know I am doing great and I don't need anyone to tell me that, but it sure doesn't hurt to hear it.  Sometimes I get annoyed by the ones who say too much...and call me Miss Skinny and Skinny Butt etc.  That gets old.  But, just knowing that I am doing well is what I need...and feeling strong and  healthy.  That's what is important.

Screw 'em all if they're jealous.

and bitchy.

Screw 'em!

Welllll.....hmm.  In some respects the answer is a resounding YES!!  I'm ready for a break from school, to see a lot of family (so many people are going to be around this year! I'm so excited).....I will say I'm anxious to feel good with them this year...not fat and gluttony.  I've worked hard and I'm looking forward to feeling good with my family.  I'm a little freaked though since I was making gingerbread cookie dough today...and I kept picking at it...I needed to insert gum!  I'm lucky I didn't get sick.  Actually I wish I had.

I'm down nearly 72 pounds since my surgery on July 23.  I feel so good....sometimes I am struck by that amount...I just always thought it wouldn't happen unless god forbid....I had my mouth wired shut or something.....and then I didn't think it would happen.  I never made it past the 38 pound mark...and here I am nearly double that!  I give a lot of credit to myself...of course, but I have surrounded myself with excellent support....my therapist...love you Dr. Seth....who listened to me blabber and blubber about being fat and encouraged me to DO something...anything.  So I did.  Well, then there's Dr. Abkin...love him!  He and his staff are so wonderful...and of course....thanks to him for doing such a great job!  I mean, obviously it' sa great job since it's all working.....well!    And AnnMarie, my nutritionist...she's so easy to talk to and so sweet.  I like the support group too that she is part of running with Pat...

I can't neglect the work I did so long with my first therapist...who brought me to a good place so many times...helped me with the bullshit I carried around with me....for without that Michele....where would I be? worse off for sure.    My family has been supportive, especially my sons. 

And my dogs.

Mostly, I've played by the rules...and sometimes, like today, I snitch a bit too much and then I catch myself and WHOA! that's the old crappy habits sneaking back in....rmeember the pouchette doesn't like crappy eating.

How I will make cookies I don't know...they are my weak spot...so maybe I don't make too much.  Just when I have to put them out.  no pile up.  :)  I really don't have to have any around....so what if I don't make them? will anyone be disappointed? yes.  will anyone drop dead because of it? no.

Okay, I think I've convinced myself...only make what I have to make...like for my kiddos in class I'll finish the gingerbread and the sugar cookies to ice in our cookie party, but that's it.

Family.  A bunch of family and food fests.  I shall remain true to myself.  I'll offer to bring shrimp and maybe a sugar free dessert.

I am not planning any food orgies here...just lots of company..oh and that's why I usually had a lot of cookies.  they don't need them either.

So....what else have I done for myself?  Bought up some massages on sale...I've been celebrating each 20 lbs mark with a luxurious massage for my overally wellness...and i've upgraded from the YMCA to a very nice spa/gym.  I love it.

I figured I wanted to feel good and enjoy feeling good and strong...so why not? I'm worth it and besides, no more tuition payments deserves a little celebration...it's MORE ABOUT me!

:)

Okay. the gluttonfest is over for now...it was okay....I won't say I was totally hands off (well, fingers to mouth off) but I was quite controlled.  I stuck to my plan for dinner....I had plenty of shrimp for all and smoked whiting for apero so it was not chips and dips....everyone benefitted and they all actually ate the dinner i'd worked so hard on preparing. 

I made traditional foods since we have many different eaters here...and some who are new to the holiday (from Switzerland)...so I made stuffing, white mashed potatoes and sweet potatoes...pumpkin pie....turkey and gravy (Trader Joe's is quite low in fat and very good)...I added some broth from the turkey...cranberries, carrots, and probably other stuff I am forgetting.....I felt absolutely fine!  Not wanting, not feeling deprived, etc.  I'm proud of my control and my little pouch's assistance during this time!  Not once did I feel like I couldn't enjoy something or felt like "poor me" Au contraire!  I feel free!!! Freeee!!!  I did not feel confined and chained to the food....and like it was the only thing there....it was wonderful to feel so good physically so I could forget about all that stuff and enjoy the family and friends.  What a difference rearranging my guts makes!

I feel like I was a little pick pick and today I had to take a little nap to collect myself after the company left (an old trigger to eat because I feel alone) so I rested all snug in my bed for  a little bit and then.....I felt this surge of energy to get up and go out into the cold...I needed to do some errands so I can get working on my CHristmas gifts....so I jumped in the shower,,, got all spruced up...jumped in the car,,,, drove to Middletown and parked FAR away from all the stores.  So I walked very fast to all of them....plus it was invigoratingly cold!  38 degrees F.  Ran here and there (well, almost ran...but I was MOVING!) found a few XL (yes, no women's sizes for me) in TJMaxx....wahooooooooooooooooooooo! I am free! Free Free!

Feeling strong after a good workout with the family yesterday....I'm feeling stronger every day!

Muhammad Ali's words...sorry I cannot exactly quote where they came from,

"Cause if you're willin to go through all the battling you gotta go through to get to where you wanna get, who's got the right to stop you.

Now if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth.
But you've gotta be willing to take the hits.
And not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody."

I think this really fits for many of us fighting this fight over obesity for it is a great foe and sometimes seems insurmountable....it is not  insurmountable any longer for me with this tool I now have....I have limits and now that I have used them to my advantage despite the naysayers and the fearful ones....I have risen above all of my previous failures...I am feeling who I  really can be....the person I've always felt I could be on the outside as well as the inside....it's like a flower blooming....it's growing more beautiful by the day with each new development...my mind is filled with beautiful thoughts and happiness that has not been mine in so long.

I am now the center of my own success; yes I've had help getting to this point, but I am willing to take this on, this battle and I am well armed...mentally, physically, and emotionally....I have no foe that can defeat me...nor shall I lay blame on anyone else anymore for my failures.  There were lots of things that hurt me in the past but that is where they are...they are blown up and gone...they cannot hurt me anymore, because that was then, and this is now.  Nor can regret rear its ugly head and growl deep pain and regrets in my ears that it's come so late and why didn't I do this before, why did I let so much painful life experience drag me down to this point? All that is in the past, some of it helped be grow albeit it a terribly painful growth; this will only serve me to share my experiences others; and for that purpose it may serve me, but I won't allow the pain of the past to serve my future.  I will rise above them and feel strong and successful.

For I know what I am worth; I am worth every bit of the fight, every drop of sweat, every moment that I take for myself....I am worth it all.

Today is day 8 without power at my house....but I'm okay!!  I have a generator, all are safe...and I've capitalized on Sandy's wrath to get in some good workouts.  After the storm, I have 3 solid days of lumberjacking, heavy yard clean up and general work to get cleaned up and back in some kind of order.  I felt so gloriously strong..full of energy, ready to lift and heave ho those cut up trees and drag heavy branches and load them on the bucket of the backhoe.  I never tired before anyone else...never felt like "I can't bend one more time!"  I could! and I did!  I'm currently down 57 pounds...more than 1/2 way to my goal and I feel terrific.

I went to the gym yesterday for the first time since the storm struck.  Despite a week's absence, i was still pushing and pulling and jogging on the AMT machine even better than a week ago!  The storm work helped me tremendously not only physically, but mentally.  Knowing that I could ask my body to do whatever I wanted it to feels so wonderful...powerful....empowering...despite the POWER OUTAGE that persists in my neighborhood.  My attitude is remarkably strong and happy .... I am very thankful for all I do have despite the inconvenience of having to deal with a generator. I don't care so much when I think about those who have lost so much.  I want to go and help...I'm going to look into that!

Coming back to my class today...I looked around at their happy faces and hugged back those strangling me with their hugs of delight.  We had such a great venting session about the storm and its effects on our lives.  I know that last year I had a much different attitude toward the destruction and inconveniences since I was 57 pounds heavier...feeling miserably weak and down.  Dr. Abkin has helped me change my life.  As my older son once said to his ear/nose throat doctor after his tonsillectomy (he'd had so many illnesses with his adenoids and tonsils...poor kid...he was a mess...after his surgery he felt so much better), "I'm glad you did your homework!".  I had always drilled into my boys the importance of doing your homework....and keeping up grades and challenging themselves.....so when he said this to his surgeon, he burst out laughing.  Dr. Abkin, thanks for doing YOUR homework!!  I feel so fortunate to have met Dr. Abkin.

Anyway, feeling great! Feeling strong!  Hope you are feeling great & strong too!