Lizzie_B
I'm Back??
May 26, 2009
I haven't posted on OH in such a long time, everything has changed and I'm going to have to learn my way around! After seeing Shannon at my Dr.'s office, I realized how incredibly important it is to have my head in the game. Just seeing her and talking with her helped me to realize how what used to be one of the top five things on my priority list had fallen to a distant tenth or something. What I was putting into my body, what I would be eating the next day, everything around those topics used to be paramount, and now I don't think about any of them at all, I just go about my day with whatever and if I dump or crash, I think, "oops, shouldn't have eaten that fast, that much, or that at all". Am I even hungry, am I full...I think of as an afterthought.
So, it is with great curiosity that I look at myself in the mirror and am totally depressed, disappointed and very, very angry...what do I expect to see??? How stupid is it that I think I can eat the way I do, yet be so disgusted with my appearance? Disgusted to the point of not wanting to see anyone, go anywhere, buy any clothes that fit correctly...because I swore I'd never wear an XL or something from the "Women's" department again! FAT, FAT, FAT, FAT, FAT, FAT...it's all I see, say or feel about myself. My chronic depression and social anxiety/agoraphobia so love this state of being. I wear my husband's old jeans that sag on me, and my old 3X sweatshirts so I "feel" thinner...but I can't go anywhere in these clothes...HA, that's it, I don't have to go anywhere...and the cycle keeps on going. EAT, HATE, STAY FAT, STAY HOME over and over. Life goes on just outside the privacy fence that surrounds my backyard, the privacy fence that allows me to go outside and putz with the greenery, barbecue with my family and hang out with my dog. Am I back? I want to be, I want to hit OH every day like I used to and feel the excitement and anticipation of having a procedure done, and then losing the weight, finding that change in your life...in my life, because I was there and the benefits have stayed with me health-wise...but emotionally, I need to get back there, I need to get back, I need to find some way to get back there. 
~Bluejeans
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About Me
Jackson, MI
Location
Surgery
07/11/2005
Surgery Date
Dec 10, 2003
Member Since
Before & After
rollover to see after photo
Here I am, sometime in 2004 at 260 lbs.
260 lbs.lbs
