llorii

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9 month update!!  I have lost 155 pounds!!  I am 1 pound away from a healthy bmi!  What an amazing 9 months this has been!! 

8 months after surgery and I have lost 148 pounds.  I still can't believe how amazing I feel.  I finally have my life back!!  I am "ME" again!!  8 pounds till I am at a healthy BMI for my height.  WHOHOOO

Four months, one week and two days after surgery I have lost 101 pounds!!!!!!!!   WOW!

Wow!!  32 pounds in 3 weeks. I feel so much better already!!  What a difference this surgery has made for me!! 

After a few delays and extra tests..I am finally having surgery on March 26th...6 days.  I am so excited to start my new life.  There are so many things I want to do that my weight has kept me from in the last several years.  I want to ride a horse again, ride in an airplane without fighting with the seatbelt, I want to not worry about chairs and resturant booths.  I want to wear cute clothes.  I want to ride the jetski instead of just taking pictures of everyone else riding it.  I want to be healthy.  I want to not be fat.  I want to not worry about space and if there is enough room.  I want to be in better shape.  I want my life back!! 

Got the call a few days ago..Surgery March 26th. 

So they called yesterday morning and scheduled my surgery for Monday the 17th of October..preop..Monday the 10th.  They called today and said that Bluecross Blue shield changed their criteria for approving weight loss surgery on the 14th of September..noone was notified.  You either have to have a bmi of 50 or 6 months of dr supervised failed weight loss...and they took me off the schedule!!! :(  After many tears..I finally thought ok fine..then I will go to the dr for 6 months.  One problem though...they are doing layoffs at my work in the next 2 months and even though I have been there for 19 years..I am not guaranted a job..which means I wouldn't have that insurance.  I had my husband call his insurance company to see if I did lose my job...if his insurance would cover it...of course they have an exclusion to weight loss surgery and do not cover it!  So....bottom line is....at the very best I will have to see a dr for 6 months and then have the surgery under my insurance ...very worse case....I will be laid off and not be able to have the surgery.  This is devasating to find out one week prior to surgery!! 

They called today.  Surgery is scheduled for October 17th.  I honestly felt like I was going to throw up after I hung up the phone.  It is happening so fast.  I have been worrying about so many things over the past week or so.  My latest is...what if I don't lose enough weight...what if I go through this and am still fat??  I researched the ds a little...and the weight loss seems to be more...but my dr doesn't do that surgery.  The doctor that does do it...won't be able to do the surgery for about three months...I don't want to wait..I'm ready now.  The ds scares me too...so I'm doing the gastric bypass...but what if I only lose 60% of excess weight...that would leave me still fat!  I don't need to be my ideal weight..but I would like to look decent.  Why do people get to certain point and stop losing weight...why do people not reach their goal??   Don't get me wrong...I know I will be healthier..but I want to be happier with my apperance too...I want to wear cute clothes..I want to not worry what people think as I walk past them..I want so many things....

This is the first time and only place that I have ever spoke about my weight honestly.  I am 5'9 and I weighted in Wednesday at 320.  This is the heaviest I have ever been. It is effecting my life.  I worry about space all the time. I always have to ask for a table at a restaurant..I know I won't fit comfortably into a booth.  I flew in April and on the second plane...I had to fight with the seatbelt forever to actually get it fastened..in front of my 15 year old daughter..who was sympathetic...my husband just watched..I can only imagine what was going through his head. We bought jet skis and I haven't been on them because I know that life jacket wont fit..I tried in on in private once...it was so tight and looked so rediculous...no way I was going to put that on in front of people.  I go to the lake and take picures of everyone else riding it.  I take my 15 year old to the mall and I always end up overheated and sweaty...I have learned to drink smoothies to help keep myself cool so I don't have a sweating fit in front of her and her friends.  I tried bying a new bra a few months ago...I couldn't find one to fit around me in a regular store..even in the plus size section..I had to go to lane bryant..that's a first.  I hate shopping...but I'm sure everyone here understands that..no  need to go into details.  I can't believer how overweight I have become..my face is so fat..I don't even recognize myself when I really look.  I haven't worn shorts in three summers because I hate the way my legs look.  I feel like people I don't know look at me and think oh my goodness look at how fat she is..I hate being this big!!  When I read this...it sounds like a person I don't know...I honestly am a happy person ..but I avoid thinking about all the things associated with my weight.  My husband hates me being this overweight...I understand that..I see myself in mirrors sometimes and I am so big...I don't even look like "me" anymore.  I have to do something..I am so scared though.  I had my consult ..Wednesday..psych eval will be done Monday...insurance company has already said that the surgery will be approved..nho problem..dr office says as soon as they get the eval...it will only take 2-3 days to get the official ok from insurance company.  They said they can get me scheduled for surgery in 2-3 weeks..I am doing the laproscopic bypass..I am so scared.  I am so scared of dying during surgery.  I am so scared about after surgery..I don't know what to expect.  I'm so scared about the pain and the hunger..and the vomiting and the not being able to eat..I'm afraid of being sick all the time..I am just so scared but I know I have to do something!  I'm worried about complications..but I can't go on like this...I am missing my life...and i am missing out on so much of my childrens lives...they are my world...they are the people I love more than anything in this world..I'm afraid of dying and leaving them..but Im also afraid of staying like this and not being able to participate fully in their lives.  My grandchildren are little...one day they will be embarassed of my weight..I hate that! I'm afraid if I don't do something..I will have a heart attack or stroke and leave them anyway...I keep telling myself that I have to take the risk...but if I die..then I'm gone now..if I don't do the surgery and I die later..then at least I had more time with her...but in reality..I know not doing the surgery is not really an option. I have to go pick my daughter up from volleyball practice..i will probably write later...I guess I'm really doing this..I need to document things so I know where I was and why I made the decision to do this.