Waking up and realizing self sabotage happens even with WLS

Jun 24, 2012

Oh this surgery is going to be the best thing to happen to me. I"m going to lose my weight so fast no one will recognize me and I will love me again.........

Ok, honeymoon's over and I can stop lying to myself. Sure this surgery has held the door open for facilitating my weight loss, but have I truly been using it to its fullest potential-sadly the answer is no. It takes great amounts of pull up your big girl panties to admit when I'm wrong. I have been sabotaging myself everyday for a while and I am awfully mad at myself for doing it.

I'd love to blame the delicious food Chef Hubby prepares, or my way too busy lifestyle for having a weight loss stall for about a month. Can't blame anyone but me and the failure to adequately take care of the head issues that the surgeon can't fix. He can limit my physical hunger, restrict how much food I can consume at one sitting but only I can take initiative to deal with the head stuff and follow the program.

For what ever reason 180 is my trigger weight. I feel really good having lost 80+lbs so I'm not self conscious about being the biggest woman in the room anymore, but now I'm the saggiest bag of skin and bones in my house....Without my clothes all I can see is mush, squishy and striped mush.......it sags and hangs and waves when I walk just right. Bounces in time as I run on the treadmill and bunches under me while I sit or sleep.....I'm almost as uncomfortable with my body image now as I had been when I was at my heaviest. With clothes on, especially compression style undergarments, the jiggle is to a bare minimum (at least I think...if not do not tell me-leave me in my bubble of content). I'll put on my happy face for the most part because I don't want to hear the 'oh, I knew she couldn't handle it' or 'she's just going to be one of 'those' people that gain it all back'.  Deep down I wish I were ready to put the past in the past and get over the stupid "when I weighed 190, I was doing this.....or experiencing this....." then here come  memories good and bad flooding back.....Right now 180 is a pretty significant number and I managed to see 179 for 24 hours, then I ate a cookie. Who does this crap?!?!?!?! I go through the agony of preparing for surgery, then having it and recovering, all to let it go to hell.

My new goal has no number written on a scale. My new goal is to drink my 64oz+, eat my 60g+ protein, take my vitamins and move my body! I will be reminding myself every day that am more than a number, I am worth more than I know. If I lose a few pounds along the way, great, but I won't be counting!

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