Mari C.
3/21/05 - Just found out I was approved. I know in my heart I will not achieve permanent weight loss any other way - but I am still scared. I hope I am making the right decision so I can be around to watch my kids succeed. 19 year old boy in college and 17 year old girl in high school. Lots of things to do ahead of me and I am out of energy. Well I said if the Lord wants me to have the surgery he will put everything in place - was approved within 2 weeks. I hope his plan for me is to be around for the grandkids LOL !
4/9/05 My hubby Rod is so sweet - He drove to Pittsburgh today (told me he had to work) and bought me a Birthday Cake at Barkus bakery - from the bakery my Dad always bought for me when i was growing up. My brother used to get me one every Easter when he came for a visit - I haven't had one since he died three years ago. This is a two hour trip in each direction. I know he is worried about the surgery but when he surprised me with the cake I started crying - Wow - how do you tell a man how much he means to you after that - four hour drive for a birthday cake.
4/11/05 - Panic night. One week till surgery and I have just posted for some help and support. I am getting ready - I was organized and buying protein drink samples - getting house ready. I have to start my clear liquid diet on thursday. As i keep preparing my kitchen for eating following surgery I keep wondering what is going to make me follow this diet for life if I cant do it now ??? It reminds me of atkins - lots of protein and no carbs. what if i rearrange my insides and then fail like i have failed every other diet?
I am ready to cry at the drop of a hat and cant focus at work. I am overwhelmingly fearful of complications.
I read everyones problem questions on the board and wonder if the good days out number the bad? or am i just trading one type of problem for another
Did everyone have this panic?? All this second guessing? I have laid off the pepsi - thats going okay. I think I have lived so long with my weight problems I forget I have them. Here they are to remind myself why I need the surgery. Short of breath walking uphill, waking up 3-4 times a night, waking up with a monster headache every morning, waddleing because my knee throbs constantly, chest pains, high blood pressure that makes my eyes hurt, no energy. One brother had quadruple bypass at 50 and another died in his sleep at the age of 46. No diabetes but how far away can that be. AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH - Back to the boards so everyone can straighten me out.
4/15/05 Its quiet here right now - early morning on a Saturday. The weekend before my surgery. My son Dan (19)is home for the weekend from collge and my daughter Nicky (17) has been such a help this weekend - couldn't ask for two greater kids. It must be the calm before the storm, cause I am doing okay. Clear liquids this weekend - I am worried - I dont feel like I am getting cleaned out - but just following orders. I think I increase the plain water today.
I have been reading all the profiles and am grateful that my approval process was so easy. I started this journey in June 2004 with my first appt with my PCP - 6 months of supervised diet. December first consult with my surgeon. January - psychologist, pulmonary specialist, chest xray, bloodwork and March i saw the nutricionist. (this was the delay -she was on maternity leave. Second visit with doctor and reviewed everything and papers are submitted. One week later I have a date ! So here I sit - 48 hours away.
You know how one minute your life is completly normal and the next something happens and suddenly your world is changed ? I have had a couple of those moments with the loss of my two dear brothers the last three years. I hope the surgery suddenly changes my world for the good. Can't get much better than this -surrouned by people who love you. I want to be around a long long time. Which brings us to the surgery. Many prayers to all who share my journey.
4/17/05 = Okay one day to go - I admit I am getting flakey. I have been learning about HTML and how to fix up my profile and add pictures. Hubby took the photos and was making suggestive comments so my face is red ! You can see my animals live well -there is never any room for us to sit ! I am going to have to find a family picture to add !
4/27/05 - Well I survived the surgery very well. No real problems except for some reason instead of placing the NG tube through my nose they came out my MOUTH. Any talking or doing breathing exercises caused the tube to move and me to gag. Surgeon did not know why anesthesiologist ?? placed it that way and he didnt notice in surgery. Tuesday i was really gagging and vomiting and he ordered it removed. then the build up of gastric acid had me really sick tuesday night. Wednesday i did liquids and improved greatly - medication to calm down my stomach. Discharged on Thursday. No pain except for 40 pinching staples !
My problem now is my doctor does 2 weeks of clear liquids. I am shaky with heart palpations because of no nutrients. I am doing a carnations instant breakfast a couple of times each day or a little yogurt. Feel much better but looking forward to food.
Thoughts: I wont lie the first week after the surgery I was ready to cry and wondered what I had done. 9 days out I am still not sure but I am focusing on the fact that at some point I will be about to eat normal food. I have lost 25 pounds to date and you would think this would be incentive BUT... the loss is more from clear liquid diet that surgery - i could have starved and done the same thing. So here i am slightly regreting the surgery but realizing that I made this choice and must work with it. I cant tell my family my feelings - they have been through too much already with this. I hope it gets better.
5-20-05 - Okay - One month out - My weight when i walked into the surgery was 306 (lost while on pre surgical diet) so i will figure weight loss based on surgeons numbers. - I am down to 278 which is a 28 pound loss. I was put back in the hospital on 5-3-05 because of edema (swelling) around the lower connection which would not let liquids through. It involved lots of vomiting. I became dehydrted and had a melt down. My surgeon had a family emergency out of town (cancelled everything for a month and left) and I had to meet with his associate. Miserable, crying, and a little goofy in the head from lack of fluids. He put me in the hosp for 4 days. IV fluids for 2 then by mouth. Really felt much better then. But... my 17 year old daughters prom was on that last day although he promised I could go home on the 6th he forgot to sign discharge papers. (poor guy covering for his associate probally going nuts) Well .. Off IV - keeping liquids down... hero of the ward ( i resuced a patient across the hall late one night when he fell out of bed and was hanging in the bed rail)... announced that I do not mean to be disrespectful but I am leaving to get my daughter ready for the Prom. Bless them - they paged him (he was in surgery) and he apologized for not letting me out he night before. So I got home determined to start off right. Sugar free jello , pudding, crystal light etc. A protein drink each day. Started throwing up again. Light Bulb! Stopped protein drink. No vomiting. Okay just sugar free stuff now. Headaches (extreme) , stomach cramping, and diarrhea. I called my nutrishionist (sp??) and she said to stop sugar free. Turns out I can't tolerate the artificial sweetners. So here is the plan. Let stomach calm down, heal a little then try just splenda - no other sugar alcohols. I am down to 278.
Doing well now. I just started "real foods" soft but not pureed. I can eat 2-3 ounces. Here is the problem. My brain and my history. The surgery has been so stressful for everyone and my fear of failure (and my history of failure) is long and well documented. I can eat most anything... i cant eat diet drinks, diet sweets. this is leading me back to the foods that got me into trouble. I know that most time it was quanity of food that was my downfall - and the pouch has taken care of that. Will i be able to eat everyday food - just smaller amounts - and still lose weight.
so to everyone on the board - i have told you what i have not told my husband. He thinks that my adjustment is great and the more normal my eating becomes the more afraid i am.
Mari
306 / 278
6/9/05 - Okay folks Its been a while. I started back to work and the kids finished up school. My daughter was in a car wreck and is okay with only a few bruises - lucky - sunfire vs tractor trailer. So... I am adjusting to this new thing. Actually I went from overly thinking food to not caring about eating. I am down to 271 - having some minor problems. I go for a CT scan tomorrow for abdominal pain and nausea. I am not losing weight like I would like - but I am not doing any protein supplements or getting in all my water. Doing about 600 calories. So my mission this next month is to get in all my water and find a protien I can tolerate. No more excuses.
7-29-05 Wow time is just flying by. I am down 60 pounds at week 14. I am impatient - it feels very slow. Everything is going well - just some pain right at my new pouch off and on. Dr. thinks its ulcers and has been changing my meds - The last on really made me sick so I stopped taking it then never got around to calling him. After a week off the med it really started to hurt more often - He started me on Nexium this week and the pain has decreased. I expect it will take some time - again the impatience. I keep stalling in the weight loss every three weeks - It lasts about two weeks. I should expect it by now, but I get impatient.
I have been trying to figure out how I feel different:
I think it is ease of movement.
I can bend over and see the bottom of my feet when I wash them - Now I know if they are really clean !
I can see my toenails when I clip them - instead of just guessing that I am clipping nail !
I can twist and reach BOTH butt cheeks with one hand when I bath - instead of switching hands.
My button down shirts do not require a safety pin at my breasts to keep from gapping open.
I fit in the seatbealt of the kids car.
Well - more observations later.
10-8-05 Wow it's been a couple of months. Down 84 pounds now and its strange - people look at me and you can see that they think they should know me but can't quite place me. I look at my hands and legs and dont recognize myself - but i look in the mirror and still see fat. Wheres the psychiatrist when you need em! the weight loss is work now - tracking what i am eating and watching the calories to maintain a steady loss but its different. I dont feel like I am fighting myself. Its not a struggle. I am exercising 3 days a week (fingers crossed behind back - most weeks LOL0 and walking the other two days. Weekends are exercise free zones !My surgeon wants me down another 25 pounds by december - I think he's smokin something funny. We shall see. Promise to self: I will post new picture soon - and buy underwear that doesn't droop in the butt!
12-5-05 I haven't posted in a while - busy at work then my sister - only 58 had a heart attack ! Quadruple bypass and she is recovering but that is exactly why I had the surgery - She was in alot better health than me with no real weight issue and bam ! heart attack. she is doing well but still a wake up call. I am down 100 pounds. I have got to get an updated picture.
I feel strange - on one hand like I haven't changed at all and at times i dont recognize myself. I say Hi to people and I get the "who are you?" look. People are so astonished and I dont see that much change. Really wierd. I am settling into this process I think. The surgery does not do the weight loss for you - It just gives you a bit of a boost - Kick start the rest of your life. You can still make bad choices and I am trying hard not to. well long day so i will write more later. thanks all !
2-28-06
It has been slow going - down another 17 pounds since last update. 117 pounds gone - now the reality of all that extra skin is setting in. Boy what we do to ourselves is worse than the rest of the world. I took new pictures and think I look REALLLLLLYYY FAT !! Its not enough that I have surgery, lose 117 pounds, watch what i eat, exercise (not enough) but then to been unhappy with myself. I look in the mirror and think "what a jerk"
My unhappiness with the skin is a surprise. I thought that if I could stand to look as myself fat - then wrinkly skin wouldnt be a problem but it is.
Well the big stressor right now is my routine mammogram has a suspicious area - 2 mammograms and an ultrasound later and I am referred to a surgeon - fortunately is is the same guy who did my GB surgery - see him in two days - I keep thinking that they may not have seen the area if I had been 100 pounds heavier.
thanks all for listening.
