Marihawk

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Ok, as of this morning I am down to 235. Only yesterday I realized I had broken the 240 mark.  Wow! What I am learning is that there is no way to predict how the weight is going to come off.  2 weeks post op and 24 pound loss.  6 weeks post off and only 8 more pounds. 2 more weeks and another 19 pounds.  Hey, as long as it keeps coming off I'm happy.

Apparently my confidence is coming up too and it's definitely affecting my 'swagga' as Tiffaney calls it.  I do feel good about myself between the weight loss, the new hairdo, the working out, the new wardrobe (all those clothes I've been hanging onto for the last 5 years are now wearable again) and apparently it's affecting how I put myself out there.  I'm seeing the results of my feeling good in the responses I'm getting from men.  Nice!! Saturday a week ago I went out with friends and for the first time in as long as I can remember I felt pretty.  I didn't realize that was something I was missing until I found it again.

This journey is not always easy. In fact, adjusting to what I can and can't eat can be very difficult at times, but it is amazing!

Just wanted to add that Dr Kim (remember, he's the one that dropped me as a patient) does surgeries at Wise Regional Hospital as well.  My mother works at this hospital and has been keeping up with him out of curiosity.  He's lost one patient there due to his error and last week he had 5 lapband patients in the hospital and 3 of them were having complications...at least 1 of which was due to his error.  Thank you God for guiding me off of that path and to Dr Ihde.

Well, I survived.  It's had it's ups and downs but I think that first week of recovery was easier than it was for most people...at least according to those that I've spoken to and to my doc.  I went for my 2 week check up and I had lost 24 pounds. IN 2 WEEKS!!!! That really blew my mind.  That doesn't even seem normal.  I know I've lost at least another 5 pounds since then but I really don't like to get on the scale more than once a week. I could tell there was a little more room on the couch when I laid down last night. When I would see others snuggle up on a couch I would be envious because 1) they had somebody to snuggle with and 2) they both fit.  Maybe in time both of these things will open up for me as well. For now Hollywood can walk all the way down the length of me between me and the edge and not fall off! Awesome!

I am getting a little frustrated at how difficult it is to adjust to eating foods with a little more substance.  I can't eat when I first get up in the morning because my stomach can't handle it.  I have to wait at least 2-2 1/2 hours.  If I eat too quick I start having issues and sometimes, for no reason at all, I have issues.  I know the hole (don't know which one but I know it's one of them) is a little small and that's causing some of the problems but I sure hope that gets better.

For all that I had the urge to sit down with a plate of food and just eat without worry I'm really not hungry. Most foods don't even look good to me and they sure don't smell good.  I've found that as much as I've always been a people watcher now I'm a food watcher too.  What a weirdo!!! lol.

OMG! I just counted the days and I can't believe there are only 26 days until surgery.  It has seemed like such a distant event for so long that, now, the closer it gets the more scared I get.  It's not the procedure itself that scares me, it's the after life.  This is going to be such a huge change and it's not like any diet or exercise program I've done in the past in that when I get tired of doing it I can just quit.  There's no way to quit this.  I wonder if that's where the 3 month 'bump' comes in.  Merrill, the psychologist for Dr Ihde, says to warn all your supporters that 3-4 months out is when all patients hit this real hard period of 'why did I do this?', 'what was I thinking?'.  Now that I look at it, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised to see a correlation between the bump and the quitting period.

I don't want to feel left out because I can't eat like others.  I don't want to get left out because I can't eat like everyone else.  I know I sometimes felt at a loss with Janet because I know food is not important to her anymore and it still was for me.  It's going to be that same way for me and everyone I know that hasn't had this surgery. The sad part is that we have to ask the question 'what do we do together if it's not eating?'.  I guess that explains part of how I got to where I'm at.

Ok, I'm trying to kick it in gear for quitting smoking.  I'm down to 1 cigarette a day now but I'm going river tubing with Janet, Blake & Michelle this weekend and they all smoke so I know I'm going to smoke too.  Maybe I'll buy a pack for the weekend and quit again Sunday night.  Oh!  Won't it be great to actually, comfortably, fit the tub the next time we go?!!

I'm also trying to kick it in gear for getting my aerobics in.  10,000 steps per day.  If it sounds like a lot of steps that's because it is. lol.  I carried my pedomoter for the first time yesterday and just in a normal day I put in 621 steps.  That's still a long way from 10k. Ugh!  Oh well, get used to it is what I'm thinking.  It wouldn't be so bad if it weren't so hot.  I've been contemplating getting up at 5 am and heading up to the Everman walking track that seems to be so popular, get an hour of walking in and head back to get ready for work.  That would definitely help but that's awful early.  I guess I'll never know till I try, right?  It sure would take a nice chunk out of the 10K.  According to Dr Ihde I've got to get a structured plan in place and that's the most important part of the exercising. Ok, ok, I'm working on it.  I still need to try out the new exercise thing I got for Wii.

I've got all the food stuffs for the first few weeks post surgery.  I've got all the meds they recommend.  I've got my baby spoons and the 2 oz cups.  I think everything is place but finishing the smoking and starting the exercising plan.  Now all I can do is wait...and wait...and wait. 

Really though, it's going a lot faster than I ever thought it would.  In fact, I find myself wanting to say WAIT, HOLD ON FOR JUST A LITTLE BITTY SEC!  One of the things I find myself doing is planning something for every week to help pass the time.  It breaks it up into smaller portions and makes it seem like it's going even faster. 4th of July family reunion, Harry Potter tonight, Guadalupe this weekend, dinner with Kristin on the 31st, got to fit in dinner with Bob sometime between now and then, July/August family birthdays including Starla's, etc, etc. I also find myself trying to eat everything that I can't or won't be able to eat after surgery and as much of it as I can fit in.  Lol, I'm getting so sick of food it's not even funny.

We finally have approval for the surgery and have had for 2 weeks today.  August 10th 7am is the witching hour.  One second I feel like I'm so ready and then I have a flash of near fear when I realize that this life and way of eating that I've known my forever is about to be gone, never to return   I'm a little nervous as to how hard the new way of eating will be to adjust to.  Like, how bad will I miss my food? Missing food...what a horrible, embarrassing emotion to have. Of all the things in the world to face missing and food is what gets my heart racing?! Wow! All I can do is shake my head over that thought.

As many years as I've spent avoiding looking at my whole image or any particular body area, standing up close to the mirror so there's not as much to reflect,  I find now that I'm backing away from the mirror to get a better look.  I want to remember what I look like as a very large woman.  I want to see the difference in my body.  I don't want to forget where I started or what I have to overcome.

I really don't have a lot of thoughts on this upcoming even right now.  I find that the closer it gets the less concerned I get with it.  I've had so much focus and attention on getting approval for this procedure for so long now that I have it I feel like...oh, well, now all I can do is wait. ok, ok, I acknowledge and admit it...sometimes I feel like running, screaming in the opposite direction.  Am I doing the right thing? Will I be happy with it later?  Will all my skin melt to a puddle at my feet when the fat is gone? Will I ever regret my decision? Will I feel left out at when the family gets together for dinner? Will I really have to carry my boobs around in my back pockets to keep from stepping on them?  Will I ever be able to take care of the excess skin issues? How hard/expensive is it going to be to keep myself in just underclothes, let alone outter clothes?  Will a man ever be able to look at my melted, sagging body and not be revolted by it? Will I have enough sense to realize that at 45 years old that no amount of weight loss is going to make me look 'sexy' so don't even bother trying to wear 'sexy' clothes?  The list goes on and on....I have hundreds of questions that only time can answer and as anyone that knows me knows that any patience I have is hard won and easily thinned can testify to, this will be a LONG, HARD period of patience for me to suffer through.

The saddest thing I've encountered in regards to this so far was my mom.  She was at my house for a party and she blurts out that she's decided I have to agree to see her at least twice a month because she's afraid that I'll walk up one day and she won't know who I am.  I would have agreed no matter what but the look on my mothers face when she said it showed me that she was really afraid of not being able to recognize her own daughter.  It really hurt my heart for her and I instantly agreed.  I'm so proud of my mom.  It's difficult to think of your daughter going through this kind of change but she is working hard to be supportive and understanding.  I don't know what I would do without her.

Well, I've found another doctor that I'm very happy with.  It's Dr Ihde and so far I'm impressed.  He's also taking care of the hemorrhoid removal by banding so that I don't have to have surgery, NO PAIN and no lost time from work.  It's wonderful! I would recommend it/him to anyone with hemorrhoids.

As of 1 week ago today the request for pre-authorization was submitted to the insurance company.  I spoke with them yesterday and they said it could take 14-21 days for this to get in the system.  I'm still paitently waiting.  I think the waiting could kill a person.  I am so ready to get this done and move on to the next stage of my life.

I've recently started talking to someone from Eharmony and I'm very reluctant about it.  I'm going to be going through a lot of changes over the next year and may wind up having to find the 'new' me this time.  I don't know if it's really fair to involve a man in that. Plus, I don't know what I'm going to be looking for in a years time.  I'm not going to look for anything but I guess I won't shut the door on the possibility either.  I've been doing that for 10 years and it's time to stop.

I really feel like we're getting very close to surgery.  It's kind of funny because this is the first time I've felt like this...even when I was sure I would be having the surgery in April I didn't feel it like I do now.  I'll be attending my 2nd support group meeting this evening and while it's somewhat interesting it's also long and more than a little boring.  At least I'm only required to attend 2 but the opportunity will still be there if I need to avail myself of it.

I've really seen a lot of support from mom recently that has kind of surprised me.  She was very reluctant about the subject when it first came up so I thought that negativity would continue.  She's probably showing the most support of all and she'll probably never know just how much that really means to me.  She's going to come stay for a couple of days after the surgery so she can help me out and that's going to be very important.  Work is being great also! They're going to send a laptop home with me so that I can try to get some work done from home while I'm off.  I hope they realize the first week is vacation and the worst of the recovery period so I don't plan on doing anything during that time. :) I don't mind doing what I can the 2nd week since I'll be paid for time I don't actually have on the books.

Please God! Let this happen soon!

I lost another 5 pounds last month!  I think that's a total of 7 for the 6 month period that I was going to True Results and that includes the 6 from last month. oops. Oh well, at least I'm on track the last couple of months.

I think I've found another doctor. I found him on this website and his name is Dr Ihde.  I have my first meeting with him next week.  He requires that you attend his 'university class which is a 1/2 day long group event. This class happens once a month and I won't be able to make any of the dates until June 9th. After that I have a one on one consultation with the dietician and counselor. After all this is done we can start scheduling surgeries. He also does the butt surgery but I think I'm going to go with my original doctor on that one. It's definitely going to be at least June before I have the surgery. (patience is a virtue! patience is a virtue! patience is a virtue!)

I feel such a great relief and excitement with the final decision made to have bypass and to go with this doctor.  The funny part is that I haven't even met the doc yet.  I know a freind of mine told me that I would know when I had made the right decision because I would feel at peace with it.  She was so right!  I never felt this way with the other doctors or procedure.  I feel like I'm in control and in charge again.  I feel empowered like I haven't in a long while and I'm excited...very excited! In fact, I'm so sure that I'm on the right path finally that I'm really not too worried about waiting till June.  This will give me time to get all my ducks in a row and to get my mind set.

I'm so ready to be the me that I was always meant to be!
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Yesterday my lapband doctor, Dr Kim, called and dropped me as a patient.  After all this work and effort and many contacts by me to both them and the insurance company it has been decided that if the physician is out of network there will be NO benefits whatsoever paid for weight loss surgery.  I was devestated!  I felt like I personally had been rejected in some way.  My last appointment of the 6 months of physician monitored weight loss appointments is tomorrow and then we can seek approval from the insurance company.  What incredible timing! Now I've got to find a new doctor.

Here's where things get tricky.  As of May 1 our insurance and physician network are changing.  We don't even have insurance cards so I can't  look for a doctor to be in network yet and if I could they wouldn't be able to confirm benefits for me.  I feel like my hands are really tied at this point.  Since we're going to do this WLS and the butt surgery a week apart from one another everything is now up in the air for BOTH surgeons.

On top of all the insurance issues I've got to figure in the work restrictions regarding when I can be off.  We've got some certifications and related audits coming up as well as the annual sales meeting.  I can't be gone April 13th, May 13th-15th or the 18th.  In fact, they don't want me gone during the time from April 13th-May 18th so that I'll be here to prepare for the audit.  I don't mind arranging my schedule for what's best for all of us since we're a small office and need to help one another. It looks like this surgery may not happen till June!  Oh! This is really testing my patience and I'm finding it's getting thinner and thinner all the time.

I've found another doctor I might like but we don't know if he's going to be in-network and he's going to require several more appointments. Yuck!  I've determined through this process that I absolutely HATE filling out this kind of paperwork.  It's redundant, rarely looked at on the level that they are requiring information and a pain in my rear!   Anyway, this new doc would require an initial consultation, a 'university class' (1/2 day, group setting, part with the doc and with the dietician and counselor separately) then individual visits with the dietician and counselor.  This will be my 4th doctor to approach for this type of surgery.  Each and every one wants you to listen to his version of the concept.  I GET IT ALREADY!!! GOOD GRIEF!!!

Anyway, since I'm the type that doesn't like to have my plans thwarted you can imagine that my frustration levels are running extremely high right now.  Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands in the air and saying 'Screw the whole thing!'  However, I look at the before and after pictures on this website and see a little of myself in everyone of these people.  I want this change in my life.  I want to be the new me!  I want to be the me I'm supposed to be!  I want life to open back up for me like it hasn't been in years.  I've got other aspects of my life in order now and I want the external me to be in order as well.  I'm tired of being fat. So, with that said, I guess I'm not giving up yet. I know that through God's grace I will persevere.

Well, since this is the first ever blog that I've posted I guess I have now lost my blogger virginity.  I'm just another face that desperately wants to change their life by loosing the weight that's been holding me back.  Just like every other large size person out there I knew I wanted to loose weight to look better.  However, it wasn't until I was filling out forms for one of the WLS surgeons that I realized just how much my weight's been holding me back.  This particular exercise was to write down why I wanted the surgery and what I hoped it would change in my life.  I thought 'good grief! I'll never fill this page up.' Then I started writing.  By the time I made myself stop I had filled the front page and was running out of space on the back page.  It started with I want to look better and feel better.  Then it became I want to walk the entire mall without my feet hurting me so badly that I can't walk at all the next day.  I want to ride my bicycle down the Trinity River trails. I want to go tubing with my nieces and nephews and be able to actually get on the tube while in the water.  I want to go horseback riding without worrying about how badly I'm hurting the horse.  I want to go hiking without being afraid I'll have a stroke from the exertion. I want to dance an entire song without my face turning red and me panting for breath.  I want to be able to ride the rides at Six Flags without fear of not fitting. I don't want to worry that every chair I sit in might break in front of others. I want my nephews to actually have room to sit ON my lap. Well, you get the idea.  The list went on and on and on. I just didn't realize until that moment everything I've been missing because of my weight. That exercise more than anything convinced me that WLS is the step for me to take to get my life back.

So, all the research and headaches aside, for better or worse, I've decided on lapband and praying it's the right decision.  My insurance company requires 6 months of physician monitored diet and nutritional counseling and I'm about to complete the 6th appointment.  After this we will be able to pursue approval for the procedure.  Everything else that the insurance requires (and then some) has been done and/or obtained.

I have recently found out that I've got to have hemorrhoid surgery before the lapband can be done.  This procedure scares the crap (no pun intended) out of me! Now my boss is having extreme reservations and the thought of me being off work twice and has said that I will have to put the lapband off indefinitely.  That just about broke my heart.  I'm so close and to have her tell me I can't do it turned my world upside down...for about a day.  I'm a very resolute woman and I went to work.  What we've worked out is that I'll have the hemorrhoid surgery one week and the lapband the next week. That way I can recover from both at the same time.  Somebody please tell me this isn't as stupid as it sounds because I'm really scared!

Once I explained this to my employer they've decided that I must wait until after May 18th to have either surgery because they want to get FSC certified first (has to do with recycling) and they'll need my help to do it.  That's fine  because if nothing else, I am a team player...except that my insurance is changing AGAIN and as of May 1st my deductible and out of pocket will both be going up. Gee! I think I ought to be grandfathered in at the old values since the only reason I wouldn't have the surgery already by May 1 is that the company has asked me to hold off.  I shouldn't be financially penalized for doing my job.

So here I am...less than 2 months away from butt and fat surgery!  It's been a hectic, stressful 6 months for numerous other reasons (I'll spare you the details) but I've managed to not give up or give in and I feel like I'm really taking my life back for the first time in...EVER. I feel like even though I won't get a do-over at least I'm getting another chance at a fresh start.  It's taken a long time to get to this place in my life and while I'm still working on it I really do love it!  With God holding the reins it's a whole new world each and every day!