MarthaLisa

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I've lost quite a bit of weight now and I can move around easier. I think that is my main joy in this weight loss. It was, and still is, frustrating not to be able to get around like other people. I find I fit into chairs again now, and I mean I fill them, but don't overflow and get pinched. I am walking faster.

People, strangers, treat me a little nicer. I think it is because I move a bit more normally. I very much like being treated better. I've heard that some people get very angry because they are treated better, but are the same person inside no matter what the outside looks like. I may feel this way, but I don't so far.

I still can't run fast enough to catch my preschooler so I use psychology to slow him down.

I find that thin, or just overweight strangers are farm more encouraging than obese strangers when I mention I've had the surgery. Most say encouraging things and repeat success stories of others. Most obese people talk about failure stories and medical nightmares.

If anyone thinks this is an easy way out of obesity, it most certainly is not. I throw up most days. I struggle with hunger. My hair is falling out. But I no longer have diabetes or high blood pressure. My sleep apnea is getting better. I don't feel like I'm being crushed when I lie in bed. Surgery makes weight loss possible, but not easy.

I wish there was a ribbon to wear or put on my car to fight the stigma of obesity. I wish it was everywhere, like those pink ribbons.

Sometimes I feel like I am just waiting to be smaller. I find I have much more patience than I did when I was younger. A year to lose a hundred pounds or more does not seem like such a long time. I fear failure though. I fear being one of those who regain more than half of the weight I needed to lose. Only time will tell, and that is five years off (the standard time used in many studies). Maybe five years isn't that long after all.

My surgery was August 1st. I'm not sure why I did not post my surgery date. Somehow, I did not want messages of support and I am not sure why. Some medical professionals commented on my lack of enthusiasm before surgery, people are usually happy and scared. I was calm and sad. My sadness came from my hatred of surgery and pain. I've had two C-sections and they hurt, particularly the first one. I hate the immediate recovery after surgery. And so it is with this surgery. I hate the pain, discomfort and not feeling well. I also hate the pain, discomfort and not feeling well that comes with morbid obesity. So I am not sorry that I did the surgery because of some temporary pain, I just don't enjoy these moments. I don't like not being able to drive yet, but it had got to the point where I didn't go anywhere much because it was so tiring to walk far. So I'm not losing out on much.

It's funny, I don't miss food much. Oddly I miss fresh vegtables, salad, and fresh fruit. I don't like mashed banannas much. I ate two bites of watermellen last night and chewed them very carefully. They are not on my food list, but were so good.

Yesterday I went to the movies with my husband. It is tiring to walk much, even more so than with the obesity, but I so needed to get out of the house. Today I plan to go with my teenage daughter and three year old to a playground one block away. My teen daughter has been an angel through all this. She is doing most of the care for our little guy when Dad is not home and is taking care of the house. I am so proud of her.

I have been sitting still alot because of the pain. I stopped my pain medication two days out of the hospital because I hate that narcotic stuff. This week I am determined to move more. My doctor said I could get into the therapy pool at my health club and just kick my legs gently and move. I can't wait.

Some days I just sit and think about how much my health has declined this past year. I saw my OB/GYN for my annual and got a letter of support. Turns out he and Dr. Brolin are neighbors. If you ever wonder what surgeons do for fun, apparently these two trim their shrubs into interesting shapes in a sort of neighbor-surgeon competition. Now they both get to cut into the same patient. Oh boy.

We started getting the monthly documentation of my attempts to lose weight over six months together. Since we started doing this in December, he's kept track of things so we can send six month of progress notes to my insurance. BUT... They do not need to know everything I talk to my psychiatrist (pdoc in future) about. So we had to separate the stuff that was about weight loss from the rest and he wanted me to approve the release of each monthly record. It was good to get that over with. Now, he is keeping separate notes, just on weight loss, for my health insurance and they are separate from psychotherapy notes. Trust me, it's a legal thing about confidentiality. I have had the flu and been wiped out so no exercising, but then my blood pressure is nice and normal now and pdoc says if it stays down one more week, we can start meridia, one of two weight loss drugs that my insurance wants to see tried before they approve the big stomach snip.

I met with Dr. Brolin and his staff yesterday. I liked him much better than I liked the younger surgeon I spoke with first. She explained all the risks and so forth, but she also was not willing to admit I knew more than she on some topics (not her field of expertise of course). I know much more about psychology and psychiatry than she. I can usually tell a more experienced person because they readily admit what they do not know. Anyway, toward the end of our conversation we began to talk a bit more about me as a individual rather than a potential surgical procedure and her as an individual as well. She has trained under some of the best surgeons. I think it is always a problem with the Western Medical Model to get a surgeon or physician to see you as a person and not just a procedure or illness. I think if we had more time I would probably grow to like her. Anyway I liked Dr. Brolin, I personally like an intellectual person. He had the calm assurance one sees in a very experienced professional. I got my questions answered. I particularly wanted to know about how medications for mental illness would be processed in a modified GI track. The younger surgeon said there would be no problem and I could tell she did not know or understand these medications well. She did qualify what she said by acknowledging she only had a general idea of how these medications worked. Dr. Brolin response was, "Good Question." Then he gave me a good technical explanation based on what was known and his own clinical experience with patients with mental illness. He has had good results and no major problems. This satisfied my mind. I think the office staff was wonderful. I often judge a doctor on his staff just as much as on my interaction with him. The waiting room was pleasant and I did not have to wait too long. There is plenty of seating for large sized people and plenty of room for people who need assistance walking to maneuver. I did not have to wait long. Office staff came to the waiting room to make sure some post-op patients were comfortable. The waiting room atmosphere was friendly and patients were chatting about their experiences. I met a woman who was six weeks out from her procedure and doing well, one who was seven years out and was back for a hernia repair, and one who was eighteen years out and and looked like she had never been overweight in her life. I have a ways to go with getting necessity documentation together. I may also consult with another surgeon and I will attend Dr. Brolin's support group to check them out. I told them I was in no rush.

Today I made an appointment with Dr. Brolin for next Friday. I have a goal to find a surgeon and after months of researching surgeons, I decided to go talk to one privately (not at one of those informational meetings). I hope it will not be a waste of $300 and I will get some good advice and maybe find I have a surgeon as well. At least I took another step.