Job interviews are like trips to the dentist...

Jan 13, 2012

only they hurt more.  I had two interviews in late 2011, one with a plastic tubing manufacturer, and the other with a small, privately owned pharmaceutical company.  In both instances I dressed up and tried to make a good impression.  I was as prepared as could be, had researched the companies and was prepared to ask questions about the jobs.

The plastics company was only a few miles from my home, and would have been the ideal commute.  Since the job was 3rd shift it would have allowed me to continue acting as Assistant Scoutmaster with the Boy Scout Troop, and it sounded like a solid job in a small QA department.  I interviewed with the Manager of the department and the Supervisor.

The pharmaceutical company was in New Jersey, about an hour from home, and was a more "professional" position.  I interviewed with 6 people and was there from 9 AM until after 2 PM.  I was more nervous for this interview, but enjoyed talking to the folks and learning about the job requirements and expectations.  The people I met with were pleasant, friendly, and all seemed to enjoy our conversation.  

I had a phone interview with a human resources gal, and it went so well she assured me that she would "definitely recommend me" for a face to face interview.

Fast forward to January 1, 2012.  I have not heard back from any of the interviews.  I can only assume that I did not make the cut, since the courtesy of notifying the rejects is no longer practiced.  I am left to feel sick and depressed, especially since I went to Catherine's and spent over $100 on a suit.  Thank goodness it was on sale, or it would have been more than $200!

And what a suit.  Black jacket and slacks, with a cotton blouse.  It was the LARGEST clothes I have ever bought.  The pants were size 26WP (I'm only 5 feet tall) and the jacket was a 24.  I felt like a circus freak.  I was hot, sweating and my face was flushed.  Thank goodness I didn't have a tour at either location; it probably would have made me even sweatier.  At both locations I showed up early, filled out job applications on paper (yes, they still have those!) and then had time to collect myself before the interviews began.  

I have never been so self-conscious before.  I have, for the past 25 years, gotten steadily larger, but I always knew that my resume, intelligence and personality were all I needed to do well in an interview, and it was true.  Being a scientist has its perks, nobody expects you to be gorgeous or fashionable, most science types go for he minimum required dress code.  We don't mind wearing glasses and we don't dress up because we are going to cover our clothes with a lab coat.  We wear comfy shoes with no open toes, because labs can be dangerous, and we are on our feet a lot.  I was happy to be a lab rat, and confident in my ability to make a great impression in an interview.  But these last 50 pounds or so seem to have broken me.  My self confidence is shattered.  I am so miserable in my own skin that I can't just relax and enjoy myself.  

When I was younger and quite heavy I did anything I wanted.  I had a job one summer working for the corn breeders in the NC State College School of Agriculture.  I was out in the heat 8 hours or more each day, hoeing corn, inoculating corn plants with various diseases, measuring corn plants and recording data, and walking along endless rows covering the little ear shoots with bags to prevent pollination.  I loved this job! I was 25 years old, married, and actually enjoyed making $5.50 an hour working in the sun all day.  I was probably about 175 pounds that summer, and my weight never phased me.  

Now I am so ungainly, so crippled by fat that going down a flight of stairs to the laundry room is a daunting prospect. Washing dishes is painful.  The glorious lab rat has turned into a really pathetic creature.  Somewhere along the line I hit my tipping point, and now I wonder if I'll ever get back the confidence, the self assured professional demeanor.  Is it possible to ever get over all the misery and negativity I feel about myself, my body, my loss of self control, my lack of discipline?

Will people ever see me as a competent, intelligent scientist (or nerd, if you will)?  Am I destined to now just be a Fat Chick?


We'll see...

1 Comment