MissAlma

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A little over a year out now and I'm unsure how I'm doing.  I feel good, but I haven't lost as much weight as I know I could have this past year. 

My heighest weight was 350lbs.   The morning of the surgery, I was 304.  I weigh about 230lbs today.   At 5'9", that gives me a BMI of about 34, so I'm still obese.  

But, I feel...good.  Not having to haul around an extra 120lbs on my body each day is liberating.   My apnea is gone, I have more energy, and I'm more active than I've ever been in my life.  I mean, I went kayaking this past weekend - something that would NOT have been an option for me a year ago.  I get compliments from coworkers and one friend of mine even told me recently that I look "healthy."   I feel guilty when people give me compliments, like I don't deserve them. 

I guess my insecurities about my weight loss performance over this past year are based in my knowledge that I have not followed The Rules.   I don't follow the 30/30 rule.  I drink soda and caffeine (and alchohol now and then).  

Yes, weighing 120lbs less than I once did feels like a success, but it somehow feels like an ambigous success since I know I could have done better. 

My surgery was done at 8am on Thursday morning at Abbott Northwestern Hospital in Minneapolis.  Here's the timeline on what's happened since that morning.  

I got to the hospital at 5:30am, checked in, and within 20 minutes was brought back to the preop area where they weighed me (304!) and had me give a urine sample.  I exchanged my civvies for a hospital gown, TED stockings, hospital issue slippers, and cloth wraps around my legs that were hooked up to air tubes that would inflate and deflate during the surgery and  my recovery to aid circulation and help prevent blood clots.   Then the preop nurse, Joanne, went thru my medical history and medication info with me to verify everything they had on file.  They did a blood draw and made sure they had the results of all my pre op testing.  She was so nice and made me feel comfortable.  After she asked all the questions she needed to, she brought back my sister Bethany and her girlfriend/my friend Emily, who were allowed to stay in the preop room with me.  I was very thankful for that.   During that time, the anesthesiolgy team came to meet with me and place my IV line.  They answered all of my questions and went over with me again what would be happening before and after the actual procedure.  My surgeon, Raymond Drew, came into the room to talk to me and answer any questions I had.  I really had trouble coming up with any since the hospital did such a good job preparing me - from the initial 3 hour informational seminar back in January, to the consultation with the doctor  in May, to the 3 hour pre op seminar a couple weeks prior to the surgery.  Then there was the phone call from the bariatric nurse the day before surgery, the meetings with the bariatric nutritionist, the support group meeting I'd attended, the research I'd done on my own...   I felt informed, ready, and calm.  

After the preop process was over, I said goodbye to Bethany and Emily and then my bed was wheeled down the hallways to the O.R.   I scooted myself from my bed to the operating table and they arranged my head and neck so that I was propped up enough to make it easy for them to put in the breathing tube after I went to sleep.  There was a flurry of activity while everyone worked to get me in the correct position and hooked up to everything I needed to be hooked up to.  They were great about explaining everything they were doing to me and one of the anesthesiogy assistants in particular, Jeremy, was very kind,  In fact, the very last thing I remember before falling under the meds was him stroking my cheek while he held the mask to my face, which was very comforting and reassuring.   

The next thing I remember is being in the recovery room.  Thank goodness, I don't remember the breathing tube being taken out (that had been a fear of mine).   I wish I remember the name of the nurse in the recovery room, cause she was fabulous.  

I'm going to bed now, but I'll add more later...

I had my pre op physical on Thursday morning.  I'm down to 307 now!   The two hundreds are in sight.  Dyno-mite!  

I've had more opportunities to work on the "how can I still be social when the activity involves food" issue.   On Thursday  night, I went to a Happy Hour with a few friends after work. It was kind of awkward not eating while everyone else was, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.  
  I ate a pudding before leaving work and went outside with one of my friends when she took a smoke break so I could drink a protein shake I'd brought with me.   This friend also "talked me down" from the wine I was about to order.   I was doing a great job of  convincing myself that having alchohol wouldn't hurt anything when she reminded me that the purpose of my 2 week liquid diet was to get my liver in good shape.  Thanks, Dina!  

I'm still surprising myself by being compliant with the diet.  Other than adding some banana and some blueberries to a couple of my shakes, I've been sticking to it.  I'm feeling pretty proud of myself.  

Four more days!



 

The last couple of days have been rough.   I've felt hungry, irritable, and very tired.  However, this morning, I glanced at the directions for my protein shakes and realized that I've been making them wrong.  I'm supposed to add 2 scoops of the mix to my skim milk, but I'd only been adding one.  No wonder I've been hungy and tired - I've been cheating myself out of 20+ grams or protein that I should have had each day for the last 5 days!   

Today, I mixed the shakes correctly and it went much better.  It also helps that my sister bought a Magic Bullet for me yesterday as a pre-op present.   It makes the shakes MUCH easier to drink.  Thank you, Sis!   

Today was alright.  Unlike the past few days, I haven't had a caffeine headache, so that's helped a lot.   I'm doing OK with my protein shakes, applesauce, pudding, broth, and water.  Although, once yesterday and once again today, I've substituted a Slim Fast Optima shake in place of the vanilla protein powder and skim milk mixture that I'm supposed to be drinking.  And, this morning I needed to chew something, so I ate 1/4 of an apple and gave the rest to my friend.  That little bit of crunchy apple was heavenly.  

It's actually nice to be able to feel hunger, as odd as that sounds.  I've spent so many years ignoring my body's hunger and satiety signals.  It's amazing how much more "connected" I've felt with my body these past few days.  

I've been spending time tyring to figure out how to negotiate through the situations I'll find myself in when I can't eat and others can.  I want to have a game plan in place before the surgery in the hopes that these food-related social situations  go somewhat smoothly and with as little awkwardness as possible.

For example, earlier today, my friend and I were out running errands and since she was hungry, we pulled into an Arby's drive thru.  She offered me some of her shake, but I was able to say no(!).  I figure that I've had more than my share of Jamocha shakes in my life.  :)   She had been driving, so instead of us sitting in the parking lot while she ate, we switched places so that I drove while she ate.  That way I was keeping busy and diverted while she was eating.  That worked out pretty well.  

Tonight, my sister and her girlfriend went out to dinner.  Normally, I'd  have gone with them, but since I don't see myself sitting there hungry and drinking water while everyone else is eating Thai, I stayed home.    It stinks that I'm missing out on being with my sis, but I couldn't figure out a way to be out with them tonight and not make everyone uncomfortable.

Hm.  Maybe I need a new game plan. 

Today was pretty rough as far as the liquid diet goes.  I've decided to give up caffeine, too, so my level of irritability was pretty high due to both hunger and withdrawl.  Right now I'm feeling worried about making it through the weekend.  

I need to remind myself that I can do this.  Just 12 more days and then the reinforcements are coming!

I live in Minneapolis and am still simply stunned by what happened yesterday with the 35W bridge collapsing.   I was downtown last night having my "Last Supper" when the bar turned on the TV so we could watch the news.  I can't believe it.  There aren't even words...

Tomorrow is the first day of my two week pre op liquid diet.  I've spent the evening making my protein-packed pudding and making sure I have everything else (chicken broth, jello, applesauce) pre-measured and ready for tomorrow.   

The reality of the upcoming surgery is hitting me now.   I feel ready yet anxious.  What I'm about to do will require that I make many drastic changes in my life.  I know, though, that the changes I've been making and those that I'm about to make are all geared toward taking better care of myself.  And that's what I'm trying to learn how to do.  Finally.