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I have been talking about my surgery with my children.  They all seem fine with it and are asking the right kinds of questions.  They are concerned about me spending a night or two in the hospital, but I think they will live through it.  They are seeing me make these mental changes and I see them thinking differently too.  We talk about how Mommy will be eating differently and how much healthier I will be.  They talk about how I will have to buy new clothes and how much "thinner" I will be.  (They are careful not to hurt my feelings.)  They shouldn't have to worry about hurting my feelings.  I am so glad I have made this decision.

My son who is 9 years old (weighs 115 lbs) is talking about loosing weight.  I noticed, last night, he has just started getting stretch marks.  It breaks my heart to think he may be like me.  I want him to be free of this terrible fate.  I don't want him to have to feel like surgery is his only option in life.  I want him to see me succeed and be motivated to change his life.  As my weight starts dropping off I know my joints will stop hurting.  We are going to start having family walks and more family exercise time.  I want him to see me working and changing.  

My 6 year old twin daughters, weigh 42 lbs each, both are very careful about their weight.  They are so concerned that they will be fat that they weigh all the time.  I am worried that they are affected the other way.  Are they going to be non eaters, or bulimic, or not healthy.  I guess it is a little early for me to worry about them, but I know they are learning now.  Maybe this big change I am making will be good for them too. They will see me getting healthy, and feeling better.  Maybe it will encourage them to be healthy too.  

I am a mother.  I will worry.  I have to remember that God will take care of all our needs.  I am going to start praying about all these concerns and let God take over them.  I am going to change my life and let my children see me for the better.      

I just got back from taking my children to see a movie (Tangled) and have decided I will not visit another theater until after my surgery.  I had a hard time fitting in the seat.  This theater didn't have the kind of arm rests that can be moved so it was very uncomfortable.  Made me feel really bad. 

Just gives me more resolve to continue on this journey for healthy weight.  I will soon be able to sit in any chair, in any situation and not feel like a sausage stuffed in it's skin.  Then, I will take my children to Disney and ride every ride!
Watch out world, HERE  I  COME!!!

I had an appointment this week and got all the final details completed.  We are  waiting for the insurance approval.  My surgeon seems to think that will only take a few days, and then they will be calling me with dates to choose from.  It has all moved so fast.  I could even be having surgery in December.  What a way to start the new year!  Talk about a new years resolution!  By this time next year I am going to be 100 lbs lighter!  I'm going to feel better and look better.  Life is going to be so much better. 

Not looking forward to the 2 week liquid diet plan prior to surgery.  Found out that I can't use the Optifast that Dr. Chapman likes for us to use, because it has milk in it.  I have a problem with lactose.  So I will be using Ensure plus.  I guess I should go ahead a start buying it up.  4 a day for 14 days, sounds like a lot.  I hope I like them.

I took a few minutes today to look over some of the before and afters pictures that Oh has, with my children.  They are excited about the changes I will be making over the next year.  I can't wait to see my old face again.  I wonder if it will look the same.  I wonder if I will have lots of sagging skin, or if I will have any complications. 

I have a lot of praying to do.  I am so thankful to have the support of my husband, and children.  I love them so much and want to be healthy to be able to raise them and see them marry and have children.   

I have an appointment for November 23rd to see my surgeon again.  They are calling it "decision day!"  I kind of like that.  I don't need a special day for that because I have already made up my mind, but I guess my  insurance needs it.  I have an anesthesia consult just before that.  All in all it will be a fruitful day. 

I have told a few more people and am very surprised at how supportive everyone has been.  I know who not to tell!  So I am staying away from them.  And my husband is defiantly on the wagon with me.  We talk about it all the time and he is even look forward to modifying his diet too.  He wants to loose some weight too.  I love him so much; he is good to me and our children. 

For now, one step closer!  Kind of scary and exciting at the same time. 

Well I had my visit with the Psychologist and Nutritionist!  It all went very well.  I had wondered if the Psychologist would tell me I was crazy, but he didn't.  He did tell me I had a problematic relationship with food!  I almost laughed at him!  I wanted to call him "genius," but I refrained.  After taking about five little tests to let him see inside my head he mad e several suggestions.  1) Start eating from a child's plate with children's size silver wear.  2) Chew my food to the consistency of applesauce before I swallow it. 3) Put my fork down between each bite.  4) Start watching for hidden sugars in sauces and condiments.  He asked about my relationship with my husband, and other support systems. 

The nutritionist was easy!  She just went over my pre and post operative diet plan.  She showed me sample foods, and serving sizes.  We also talked a lot about not eating and drinking at the same time right after surgery, as well as making sure I get my protein in.  She said that would help me not loose my hair.  I'm glad to hear that since my hair is so thin to start with.  

I've stared making some of the changes at dinner.  Eating slower and putting my fork down, chewing longer, and I think it does let me feel fuller faster.  I guess I have been eating in race my entire  life.  

The day I had my appointments I found a magazine my husband had bought me that had "How to loose weight without bariatric surgery!"  It of course got my attention, so I read it. It is a diet just like all the rest except this one uses rice.  But it got me to wondering if he is having second thoughts about me having this surgery.  I guess I am going to have to bring it up and be sure that he is still good with all this.  It has taken him two years to come around to this, and be 100% on board with me.  That is why I haven't done it before now.  I just didn't want to do it without his support.  Tim is my best friend, and I can't imagine life without him.  We both are nervous about the surgery side of things, but know, I am adding quality and years to my life.  More time for us to share, and more time to raise our children.  And I think he is actually going to do some of the liquid dieting with me to drop a few pounds too.  He is so good to me.  

My twin girls were talking to me last night about all this and were telling how they were feeling.  Olivia isn't happy about me staying in the hospital a few nights.  Angela doesn't understand why I'm not going to be skinny when I come home from the hospital.  Kind of funny how they think.  Olivia is the one that will feel it all with me, she is very sensitive to how others feel.  My son isn't sure about any of this.  He is 9 and over weight too.  I think he doesn't want to be the only overweight one in the house.  I am hoping that I will be able to get him outside and exercising with me.  I'll have to pray about that.  

One step closer!  Appointment has just been made for the anesthesia consult and the decision making appointment.  So I see the surgeon again on NOVEMBER 23rd!!   YaHoooo! 

YES!!  YES!! YES!!!  I already know the answer this question.  I think we all do. 

I go to see the nutritionist and the psychology folks on Tuesday.  I have been thinking a lot about this part of my adventure.  Why do I eat when I am full? Why do I snack when I'm not hungry?  What is it about the Carbs that I love so much?  Why is it, that when I am upset or frustrated, that I want to eat? How did I get this big?  Do I not love myself more than this?  One would think that the pain of being fat would motivate you to do something different.  But somehow I can't seem to do it. 

This has been a problem my entire life.  I remember when I was child, my mom would constantly remind me how eating certain foods would make me gain weight.  It was a topic of everyday conversation.  She was obsessed by it.  It used to drive me crazy.  She counted my chips, my cookies, limiting everything, but I still graduated from high school weighing 180 lbs.  But I also graduated with a major self image issue as well.  

Now I'm grown, and have done a terrible job with self control.  As I grow older, I grow larger, and I feel sicker.  My joints hurt, my headaches,  my clothes don't fit, and I feel bad in general.  So I make steps to change.  I am evaluating everything in my life.  Life is about to change!

I am going to look good, feel good, and best of all feel better about myself.  God answers prayers!  I have been talking with him about this surgery for at least four years now, and for some reason I have been lead to this time.  So I am taking the bull by the horns.  Change is coming.     It can't get here fast enough for me. 

I am finding my self thinking about everything I put in my mouth.  I think several things:
1) I can't have this anymore after surgery, but that's alright.
2) This will be allowed after surgery and I'm glad.
3) Can I change this to fit my diet post-op?
4) Man, I'm gonna miss you! (Mt Dew)

I am looking forward to feeling better, but am still a little apprehensive.  I guess that is normal.  I can't imagine how much better I'll feel after 50 lbs come off, much less 100. 

How will I look?  Will I look like I did in high school again?  Will face wrinkle up?  But the biggest question is, how will I feel?  I keep reading about how much better everyone is feeling after their surgery and know that I will be the same. 

Today I have the stomach flu, and wonder how this would turn out if I had already had my surgery.  So many questions, so little answers.

I completed my 2nd step yesterday.  How exciting is that?  EKB, ABG, chest Xray and labs.  To be a nurse I sure do hate being stuck and twice really made my skin crawl.  It's funny how I am completely happy to stick my patients, but when it is my turn, I have to rethink things.     You know how fat people always make phlebotomist nervous, but all went well, she never missed a beat!! 

I got to thinking last night that I have never volunteered to have surgery before.  It seems kind of strange to be doing it now.  But then my hips and knees started hurting and I was reminded why I need to do this.  I want to be healthy; I want to live to raise my beautiful children; I want to walk without my hips and knees hurting; I want to be able to fit into clothes that can be purchased at regular stores; I want to be able to ride amusement park rides with my children when we go to Disney; I want to know that when my husband looks at me, he sees outer beauty; I want to look in the mirror and see the same person that I feel like I am on the inside!

I have chosen to tell a select group of people about this outrageous plan of mine.  I mentioned it to my primary doctors nurse today and heard, "Oh no, don't do it! At least change to the lap band, because it's revers able!"  When I really pushed her to see where her fears came from she said her mother had gastric by pass and now looked like the crypt keeper.  Kind of made me laugh.   But I have to admit, I do fear looking like a saggy, "crypt keeper." I guess this gives me more reason not to share this plan with more people.  I don't need their fears and negative talk clouding my mind.  I have studied, researched, and prayed.  I must to leave it at that, and have faith that I have made the right decision.

Had my 1st appointment with Dr. Chapman last week and he answered all my questions.  My wonderful husband, Tim went with me and we were unsure if I needed the bypass or the lap-band.  I knew very quickly after talking with the Dr.  that bypass was for me.  Tim agrees, and so we are on a new journey.  I am so happy to have him by my side.  He means so much to me. 

I go  for an arterial blood gas, labs, and a chest xray Tuesday.  Seems kind of fast for such big tests, but if I am going to do this I might as well go ahead and do it.  Right? 

I keep talking to God about it and I am not getting any negative messages from  him.  I keep asking him to speak loudly so I can hear him.  I know he thinks I am crazy.