moonbeamdanser

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Now that the pre-operative struggle is over, and the surgery is said and done... and now that I'm about 5 months out from it... the elation at having the procedue done, and at having lost so much so far has completely dissipated, and I am left with a feeling of slight panic, and despair.

I have no real support group around me.  My fiancee is happy to be there for me, but he can be a source of bad dietary choices, as he has always been.  I do not have contact any longer with my surgeon's office, or the nutritionist there, after there were so many games played with the money they wanted from me that I just couldn't take it anymore.  My best friend, who has struggled with her weight--though not nearly so much as myself--is content to remind me I'm crazy if I think I haven't been successful with this procedure.

But that is the problem.  It's not that I haven't been, but rather, that I have the horrible monster of certainty gnawing at me; certainty that I will fail at this, as well.

I keep eating things that I shouldn't.  It's not even that I even crave them, really; it's more just because it's there.  I never was a big "craving" eater.  It was all about convenience.  After surgery I was home from work for weeks, and I had time to carefully think out and prepare my meals and monitor my intake.  After having returned to work, my scheduled hours were changed to something strange, which throws me completely out of whack; and further our kitchen has been in a state of creative deconstruction for the last few weeks, which is very much a deterrent from actually cooking anything.  All too often I fall back on cans of pea soup or bean soup; about once a week I will get a grilled chicken sandwich from Wendy's or McDonald's; and pizza for a meal at least once a week as well.  The fact that I have greatly decreased my intake of these foods is irrelevant; the fact that I'm going back to old habits already out of frustration, and the feeling of being unable to control my day to day life the way I want and need to, on the other hand, is very relevant.

I can only hope that I am able to actually get things together soon enough so that I don't completely blow the time I have left in my "honeymoon" stage; and that I can keep it together long enough to make this work for me.  I honestly don't think I would survive for too long if I failed at this too. -__-