January 21, 2012

Jan 21, 2012

My ex husband died this morning..... he had 2 heart attacks...they were able to revive from the first but not the second..  my three boys are now without a father....and even though he was not a great man or even a good man...he was still their dad....  I am now having to be super woman, being loving to my boys, accepting of my ex's 4th wife's grief, supporting my ex mother in law so she she doesn't get "upset" and raise her blood pressure, deal with my oldest son bringing a LESS than desire able girl with him and try to keep my relationship good with Steve....who I am not even 100% about anymore...and all I want to do is go to the gym, sit in the steam room and cry....cry for my boys, cry for all the yrs I have lost, cry for how sad my son is making me by becoming so serious with this girl (she is niece to an ex-friend of mine that I left because she left her family for a different man)  But I'm not allowed to cry or be sad or hurt or anything...it feels like when the boys were little and I first escaped my ex.....i worked during week as sub teacher and weekends as waitress...and I had figured it out...I could cry from 1am until 230am and have my face "unpuffy" by time to open the restaurant on Saturday....now I could only do that on Fridays because otherwise the boys would hear me.......right now...I don't even know when the next "Friday" night is coming....just feels like I'm not allowed to feel.  Steve is supportive and will help me do things..but as far as comfort and making me feel like its okay....not so much....he will clean or do anything I ask him.....except talk to me about how I feel.....not sure why writing this....I'm gonna go make pies...cant eat them....but I can bake them.... I feel so bad for my boys and HATE that I cant fix it....  ...barely swimming

0 Comments