NewlyJulie

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This middle-of-the-night eating has been an issue for YEARS.  I had it under control before surgery and during the first several months (I'm 9.5 months out now).  Well, now it's back full force.  I do very well food wise during the day and get my exercise in.  But, at night, I wake up confused (about 2 times) and before I know what hit me I have eaten something (usually crunchy sweet stuff - granola bars, protein bars, dry cereal, dried fruit).  When I wake up for the 3rd or 4th time during the night food IS NOT an issue - I can think and say NO to myself.  But wake ups 1 and 2 are different.

Before bed last night I "planned" my midnight snack (it worked before - an idea from my NUT) and then told myself that was all I could have.  When I awoke the first time I had my snack (small kid size pkg of dried fruit) well, I added a protein bar to it.   Even during this time, I am saying - NO, don't eat it - remember your deal.  But I just ignored it - I could not think it and follow through.  On wake up #2 - there goes another protein bar.  Wake up 3 and 4 - no issues at all.  So, nightly I am having between 200-450 calories YIKES!!!!!  

The only major change has been the added Xanax (sedative) that I take before I go to bed - I have been taking it regularly the past 6 weeks and had not in the past.  I also changed positions at work (good thing) and I don't do well when it comes to changes.  So there's added stress.

Well, thanks for letting me get this out and it's given me a few things to ponder.  
 - I wonder if the Xanax is related to me being so out of it for wake up 1 and 2 
- Try and focus on the planned snack thing with less calories until I can "wean" myself off
- Time to start therapy AGAIN!

After reading some posts about Eating disorders I wanted to make a few comments.  Most Eating disordres have nothing to do with food.  It's all about control issues.  Food is just the "tool" that one uses when life gets out of control.  I told a therapist once "My food is out of control" and she said, "No, your life is out of control."  

Eating disorders are emotional and painful - did you know that approximately 80% of bulimics have alcoholic fathers?  (Can't offer the source though, but my father was alcoholic).  Generally speaking, Eating disorders stem from dysfunction, abuse, trauma, fear, etc.  They don't stem from the food itself.  

No surgery will change the emotional pain I experience(d).  

In my mind, there is no value to the type of food I eat in relation to an eating disorder.  Being able to eat donuts, lettuce, chocolate, or carrots - it doesn't matter.  The food - whatever type - is used as a "band-aid" over the emotional scars or pain that I am experiencing at the time.  I don't need a "band-aid" every day and I have to learn how to NOT need a band-aid.  Learning how NOT to need a band-aid has nothing to do with food.  It has to do with expressing my feelings, thoughts, desires and asking for help. 

Thanks for listening.  Julie

Disclaimer:  I am not perfect.  I am an emotional eater.  I am trying not to be an emotional eater.  I am trying to embrace that food is OK and not BAD.

At breakfast today, I mentioned to my DH that I ate a lot of junk food yesterday.  He chastised my "justifications" of my behavior.  Pissed me off, to say the least.  What I called reasons, he called excuses.  I say I need to talk and learn from my errors so I don't do them again.  He says, just don't do them again.  But did suggest that next time I felt like this to call him and talk about it, instead of rushing to the food (ok, he get's a gold star for that comment).

What I am working on and was NOT successful at yesterday...
1.  Talking instead of stuffing my feelings with food
2.  Dealing with anger with words instead of food
3.  Not punishing myself with food

During my period every emotion is magnified - this month has been very bad.  Lots of anger and frustration (money, changing jobs (good thing), son wanting to be independant (he's 17), me wanting him to be my little whippersnapper again, cramps, grouchiness, and the list goes on).  Yesterday, all I wanted was food.  I wanted chocolate and junk.  I ate some which is OK (because no food is bad) BUT what my head says and what I feel are different.  I still feel GUILTY and BAD.  Will I ever be able to embrace food as just food and remove the "badness" quotient? 

I need and want to escape the clutches of my stupid eating disorder!  Any advice or support would be appreciated.  Thanks, Julie

This week has been very difficult for me at work  - just so emotional.  I want food to "get rid of" or to "stuff" my feelings.  It is a lot better to not feel them, right? (BTW - that is the WRONG answer).  For me, I need to talk..talk..talk and talk somemore.  Fortunately, I have a great boss with terrific communication skills (and he's a man!).  Let me give you an example of what I did this week instead of stuffing my feelings with food...

#1:  A girl in the breakfast line made a passive-agressive statement to no one in particular (there were about 5 people ahead of her and she didn't like that other's didn't move out of the way for her).  In the past, I would have ignored the comment.  But, not now - I made a polite comment acknowledging that I "heard" what she said and that I had not ordered yet and would move when I had.  She said, "I wasn't talking about you, and what do you think of that!".  OMG - I thought she was going to beat me up!  Her tone was very mean and scary.  I am NOT used to putting myself in the line of fire.  Well, I didn't say anything else but had these knots in my tummy and emotions everywhere.  Instead of eating I... talked with a friend and described what happened and my emotions were validated.  I was even open enough to say, I thought she was going to beat me up.  I was able to let the incident go instead of holding on to it for dear life...for the rest of my life!

#2:  I explain a process to a VP's admin (who thinks she is "all that") and tell her that I am sorry she is having difficulty.  She emails back that she is NOT having difficulty and believes my process is "futile, but nonetheless" she will do it.  Here again (same day as above incident) comes the flood of emotions that I do not want to feel (I am at work - I just want to do my work, geeze - why can't I just be numb - once again, WRONG answer).  I wanted to stuff, but I can't.  I want to cry too, but I don't want to.  So, I go to my boss and say - I need to talk.  I ramble about the incident that happened and say, "I think I have to go home, because I am going to cry and I don't know what to do with all these emotions"  (It was kind of funny to think back at this comment).  I tell him often, ok - I "normally" would have stuffed my feelings, but now I need to talk about them.  Well, after I got it all out and told him I did not need him to fix anything (just listen) - wammo - the feelings are gone, disappeared, I am fine (and actually feeling happy).  WOW!  I am amazed that it worked so fast.  

So, the moral of this post...GET IT OUT.  Talk about your stressful feelings as they happen.  Find a "safe" person to talk with.  Take risks in your work relationships to find that safe person to help you when you need it.  I am not sure who you interact with when you travel though.  Are you by yourself?  It was awesome that you posted when you were having your candy bar incident - the faster you can deal with the emotions/stress the faster they will be gone. 

It's funny that you should mention "finished"...I had a realization this week that I was looking for the "finish line."  At first this was subconscious.  Then, last week thoughts kept poping up like - when this is over...I'll be able to do this...etc.  I realized that it is never going to be "over" - it is a life-long process.  I even felt like I was mourning for my old life somewhat and thinking about what I had done to myself. Don't get me wrong - I am totally happy with my decision to have the RNY - I have lost 122 pounds (40 more to go).  But...I am still trying to wrap myself around all these emotions.  Every month I feel like I've been hit with an "emotional mack truck" with some "new" realization.  Just when I think I've got it, I discover something new.  It is a process and you're right about keeping on the right path.  Keep up the great job!  Julie

I feel like I've lost my connection with all my OH friends.  I feel like I have pulled away and am distant.  I feel like I'm not a "part" of anything.  "What I feel" and "what is reality" are sometimes hard to distinguish for me. I just don't know where I "fit" anymore.  Does that make any sense to anyone?

I have a tendency to disassociate from the now and disappear within myself and I hate when this happens.  Usually it is due to a flood of feelings that I "don't want".  I get so far away that I struggle to pull my true self forward - I get lost in the muck.  I do have a good "mask" that turns on when this happens - kind of like auto pilot.  But I don't like this either because I am not really me.  

Without food the real Julie seems to be hiding more and more.  I have my bright moments and then I slip back into the muck.  Being who you really are should be simple - but I don't know who I am anymore.  I feel naked without my fat to protect me - I feel confused about my reality.  Confusion is not a place I like to be.  I am a who, what, where, when and why kind of person.  When I can't answer those basic questions I slide into the muck - where I "think" it is safer.  But, I don't want to do this anymore...it's getting harder and harder to stay out of the muck.  It's so much easier and inviting to slide gently into this oblivion of numbness and tune out and turn off.  

Guilt!  Though I am sliding easier and easier into this state, I am aware of guilty feelings when this happens.  I desperately wanted to slide into the muck tonight but couldn't because my son needed my help.  What a terrible mother I would be if I choose muck over my son.  Though I did chose my son, I feel so sad about the millions of times that I chose the muck instead.  

So...I've been distant and alone and afraid to let people in.  If I say it "outloud" I am hoping that this will help me be the real Julie...to open up a little and ask for help.  Thanks for listening.  Julie

Post Date: 10/14/07 8:35 am

Hi Friends,
I often see the word "bad" used in posts and feel the negative conotations that go along with it.  Coming from an eating disorder background (bulimia) I struggle "daily" to remove the word "bad" from my vocabulary.  The word is a judgement and a value statement of my being - it makes me feel.......well,......bad  - couldn't resist.  "Bad" means failure, loser and hopeless to me and everytime I label something as "bad" I become the failure, the loser and hopeless.  I don't know about you, but I don't want to feel that way anymore.  I am not a failure, a loser or a hopeless clause.  

We have been programed to believe that we will fail, and we have failed in the past, but....not because we are "bad".  A lot of us have had trauma throughout our lives and weren't taught coping skills.  To survive, we developed our own coping skills - I reached for food.  Does that make me "bad"...no, it makes me a survivor.  We are all survivors of our trauma or disfunction. To continue to "survive" I need to learn new coping skills - and one of them is that I am not "bad" - I am an awesome, loving, wonderful, terrific Julie.  My body and my mirror image are not "bad", I refuse to beat myself up any longer.  Gone are the days of yucky thoughts about my body.  I've decided that I now have a cute tummy.  My cute tummy is getting smaller which is good but it is still my tummy, my body, my heart and my soul - the same one that I've had all along.  It time that I was "good".

Food is not "bad" - having choices to make at all ends of the spectrum is healthy and a reality.  Learning to allow choices at each end of the spectrum is difficult to learn and accept.  I am a human being that needs to eat to survive.  I am also a human being who likes the way food tastes in my mouth.  Does that make me "bad" because I like the way food tastes?  No, but it used to.  I now try to "celebrate" when I want a taste of ice cream - I acknowledge and embrace it and can be silly about my need....and yes, I can still have that ice cream and enjoy it in my mouth, cute tummy and my brain.  There are so many "alternatives" out there.  I've had to hunt, but I've found a few.  There's the FF SF strawberry ice cream at one ice cream spot, FF SF melon custard at another, and if desperate - McDonalds yogurt ice cream will do the trick.  I can still like food, find alternatives and enjoy and not be "bad".  I'm learning to educate myself and make healthy choices.  I have also accepted the fact that I am not perfect (what? can that possibly be true??) and when I am being my normal self who happens to make an "UN" healthy choice that is OK - I am still not "bad".  I am human.  Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.  Julie

I was getting a bit paranoid with others trying to hurt others with info from their blogs so I deleted everything.  Well, I decided I'd start all over again.  So here goes... 

I am doing ok "now" - stopped (but have started again) taking my antidepressants for 3 weeks - started having ED thoughts and real disordered thinking but am back on track.  I stopped tracking my food (like a mad woman) and am following my tummy cues.  My counselor is very supportive of this and I think it's healthest for someone with an ED.  You know...the "bad" food and control issues.  Now, if I'm hungry that's ok - I will eat...instead of judging myself on my hunger and comparing it to what I had already eated.  You know...I "really" shouldn't be hungry because i ate...I'm a "bad" person because I am hungry...you know the story I'm sure.  I'm working on "food is ok" - ALL food is ok.  I had some fudge this weekend on vacation and that was OK - no dumping.  I had a few nibbles - not the 1/2 pound like I would have had in the past.  I'm giving myself permission to enjoy food - like yogurt ice cream.  I told my DH that my mouth wasn't happy and that it wanted something yummy (keep you mind out of the gutter ).  I wanted yogut ice cream from McDonalds and it was ok to want something that was yummy - to be silly about it and to have fun.  I was bummed though because I had my fill when I got to the good part - just below the start of the cone and had to turn it over to hubby to finish. Since I threw away my sparkspeople.com food logging obsession I have lost the 8 pounds I gained and more.  I'm now down to 236 (102 pounds lost - yippee!).

Emotionally, I've been feeling very lonely and friendless - pouting and everything .  I probably will put stuff on my blog - it would help me organize my thoughts and get the feelings out.