jan.3, 2011

Jan 03, 2011

I dont know what happened.. I sort of lost sight of my goal.  I have gained almost 18 lbs in just a few months...  That is a HELLUVA lot!!  All I see is a pig at a trough... never ending feeding.. and yet, that isnt what happened.. I pretty much ate normally.. except... somehow dropped all my water... added seconds.. maybe 3rds to my meals.. just the extra calories.. in a day, more than I needed... sigh...I have brought myself that much further away from my goal to have another child.   it saddens me.. (the goodies during the holidays did not help)
I miss the ladies that I used to talk to on here.. but, I come on... and check out the over 50 group.. and complete jealousy and overwhelming saddness comes over me... If I had the surgery, I would probably be within reach of my goal now. 
I just have to figure out how to refocus myself.. start over... I think the biggest thing that saddens me the most.. I have little to no support anymore.  My husband just goes with the flow... my family all they seem to do is critisize me... for noticing that I havent lost and that I have 'probably' gained. (which I have)  The weight gain and complete struggling.. is overwhelmingly depressing!!  I thank God that I have my 3 year old to keep that dim light still lit.  Now if I can only fan that dim light and grow it into a burning flame............

*for those that followed up on my dad... He is now stage 4 colon cancer... Well he was technically stage 4 when they found cancer in his small intestine... but, now it has moved to one of his lungs and in his liver.  They let him have a few months of chemo off.. which have been wonderful.. you tend to forget that he has cancer.. For the first time in years we had a WONDERFUL Christmas.. at my parents home.. and not in a hospital.   They are looking into starting him back up on the chemo... something different then the last since he had a reaction to the last one.  Just please keep my dad in your continual prayers! Thank you!

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