nickiejaclyn

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OK so the whole reason for getting the band was because I wanted to be able to go anywhere and generally eat anything.  I know that I have to eat healthy and make good choices but I thought that no matter where I'd go I would be able to decide what to eat and not have to really worry, also I know somethings the band doesn't like.and ive learned so far what they are and make decisions based on my reactions to food. So tonight my parents went out and called me to tell me that they were ordering out from a local restaurant and to decide what I want.  So i looked up the menu and made a decision based on what was heathly and if it wouldn't get stuck.  So then they called me back to tell me that they changed their mind and that they were going to a totally different restaurant and that they would stop at the first place to pick up what I wanted.  And that pissed me off because they didn't even consider that I'd want something for the second place.  And the second place probably doesn't have the most heathiest foods but they didn't even consider that I'd want something from there.  It's like they thought it was forbidden or something and I was like wtf .  i hate it when people look at me when I am eating like i am a freak or something and think that I cannot eat certain foods or when my parents make two totally different meals just because of me.  Like i know its a nice thing but I don't want to be thought of as someone who needs special food.  I don't know if that makes sense but I want to be able to live a normal life and not draw attention to the fact that I have the lapband and just go on with a normal life as if I don't have it.

So I am offically hating my band right now.  About 2 weeks ago after my first fill I got really tight and I had to get some of the fill taken out.  So now I only have 1.5ccs in the 9cc am I am STILL TIGHT.  I hate the fact that I can't eat.  I didn't get this surgery to be in complete pain everytime I open my mouth.  This morning I got some pain while I was drinking some CIB,  then tonight at dinner I got stuck on some chicken.  And I know that I cut it up small enough and chewed it up but nope still stuck.  Ah its so annoying.  So like 3 hours later (now).  I decided that I wanted something in my stomach so I got some apple sauce... and IT HURTS. Like wtf, im sick of this I wanna rip this stupid band outta my stomach, and just deal with it.  Like I miss being able to eat, it was my best friend for so long and now I can't even eat to just nurish myself.  I'm gonna give it a day and if I am still getting stuck I am calling my dr. and getting some or all taken out because I just can't deal with this anymore.  I am wicked afraid that being stuck all the time will cause the band to slip or something...that fear is also a hope, bc I wish I could have it removed.  I know once i get this fill thing figured out I will like the band more and I hope people don't read this who are looking into the band and get freaked out, but I figure people gotta know the good bad and indifferent.

So I am almost two months out and with no restriction I think I am starting to fall back into my old ways and i think i need to kick start and get back on the right track.   i can now incorporate all foods and I know how but I dont know how also.  Like my big things is sweets the evil C's... cookies, candy, cake, chocolate.  I bought all the foods that I need to eat and started to but like those demons are calling me back.  i think i need to start writing down stuff that might help me plan out my meals.  like im not really detailed but if i do schedule food into my day then that might work.  One positive thing is that I scheduled personal training sessions at my gym,  so that will help me exercise and really start working this band to its advantage and Im getting my first fill in about two weeks so that will help too... ok thats my vent for the day :)

So i just had my 2 weeks post opp and i lost 10 lbs the first two weeks, but i couldnt get an app. with my surgeon for 2 months so i have to wait that long to get my first fill... I guess i am offically in Bandster hell!

so its 10:04 pm, and im "waking" up at 5am haha i should get some sleep... dont really know if that is going to happen,  but i am excited about tomorrow, except that it is going to snow like crazy. 

But i would like to thank everyone for saying such nice things to me over the last few days and keeping me in their prayers, and thank you for responding to my messages and blog posts and for giving me such great advice over the last few months!

Hasta Manana!
Nickie

So its a week before my surgery and Ive been kinda freaking out a little bit.  I've cried twice for no reason and Im getting scared. Because it is the new year everything that has been on tv or the radio has been about losing weight and how people have lost 100's of pounds with diet and exercise and I've been thinking why cant I just be like one of those people and just do it but I know I cant so that is why I am getting this done. My biggest fear is not being able to eat correctly like small bites and not drinking with my meal. which I hope is just normal, and I try now to practice as much as possible but I dont know if I'll be able to or not, which I think I'll be able to because not there is just my regular stomach so there isnt anything to stop it now.