NicoleLynn

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I am so freaked out and confused by what my body is doing, over the course of the last week I have gained 3.5 pounds.  I am so confused because I have actually been working out more this week than in the recent past and haven't been eating too bad.  The only thing I have really been struggling with this week is my water intake, which got thrown off by drinking coffee or tea in the morning.  I have an appoitnment with my NUT today, but really all I want to do is just cut myself off from food for a while.  I know this is not healthy and it is my disordered eating habits coming back to haunt me, but really that is my natural instinct.  I did eat a good breakfast this morning, so I am not giving in to the urges to not eat, but I am going to work really hard to only eat 3 meals and nothing in between. 

So after 2 weeks of making a lot of not so good choices with my food I was so afraid to step on the scale for fear of the number that I might see, however my sister coached me through how to approach it and so this morning I stepped on and to my amazement I had not gained, but stayed the same.  I am so incredibly grateful for this tool that even when I make poor choices keeps me from falling off the cliff.  I am taking a new more mindful approach to my eating in the hopes that I can get back on course without needing to go through an ED program.  I am also going to call and set up an appointment with my nut to see if she can help me work out a good eating schedule and how to beat those night time munchies. 

I had to come clean with myself this weekend and admit that I was having a BIG problem with snacking that somedays turned into grazing.  When I tracked my calories one day it was over 1000 calories and I freaked out!  I think that after the nutrition program I went through where it was so heavily emphasized that you should eat so often that you never really get hungry in order to keep your metabolism up.  But I had forgotten what WLS does for us.  It allows us to force our bodies to use the fat store rather than caloric intake for energy which is how we loose so much weight so fast.  I also was taking in a lot of fat (this was also encouraged--good fats, but still fat) and not really enjoying what I was eating.  So, I re-evaluated my diet.  I went back to shopping at regular grocery stores and eating regular food and I bought food that is high in protien, low in fat and calories and sugar.  I have also started a food journal in an Excel spreadsheet.  For the most part I get the nutritional information from www.thedailyplate.com and what I can't find there I get from the packages.  I am tracking calories, fat, sugar and protein.  Today I took in 795 calories, 27.5 grams of fat, 30 grams of sugar and 62 grams of protien.  I am going to record these numbers everyday to keep myself accountable and honest with myself and others who have said they are inspired by me.  I am human and I mess up so now I am working to fix it.  I had been walking kiddiwampus along the path with one foot on and one foot off and I have seen it in the stalled weightloss.  Hopefully I will be able to keep both feet on the path going forward and that my weightloss will pick back up again because I have 45 pounds and 6 months to make my goal. 

I will be six months out in 1 week, but will be on vacation so I thought I would write a little something while I have the time.  If anyone would have told me how much my life would change in just 6 short months I would have told them they were crazy!  In the last 6 monthsI have lost 100 pounds, gone from a size 26/28 pants and 3 XL tops to size 14 bottoms and size large tops, from an 8 1/2 wide shoe to regular size 7 and the most amazing of all from a shy, meek, person searching for a place to belong to a confident, outgoing, personable, person who knows what she wants and goes after it.  For the first time EVER I am HAPPY with who I am!  I like my life, where it is going and the journey I am on to get there.  I am more physically active then I have ever been in my life as well.  For once in my life I can keep up and even go faster than my sisters when we are walking.  I can chase and catch my nephews and not be bent over winded and feeling like I need to keel over and have a heart attack.  Today I went for a walk/run and did more running than walking doing 2-5 minute intervals and still felt good!  I am amazing myself each and every day with what I am able to accomplish.  Last week my mom and I moved all of my stuff from my old apartment to my new apartment which is a 3rd floor walk up.  Just my mom and me I was amazed at the energy level I was able to maintain.  I am so much more social now.  I have gotten to know many wonderful people thanks in lare part to this website and actually feel confident when chatting with others and being out in public.  I have stayed out of the hospital (psych ward) for 11 months and have not had a depressive episode in 11 months.  After 4 years of being in and out of the hospital and daytreatment programs this is a great accomplishment.  If the next 6 months are anything like the last 6 I am in for quite a ride.  There are a few things I know about the next 6 months and that is I will run/walk a marathon with my sisters and mom, I will run a 5K, I will reach my goal of getting down to 140 pounds, I will be able to share clothes with my sisters, attend my annual theatre department reunion and impress the socks off all of my friends/professors from college and I will tackle one of my biggest struggles...college math!  I am so excited to finally have a life worth living it makes all the difference in the world! 

I am 5 months and 3 days out from surgery and as of this morning I am officially in Onderland (199.8)!  I am in a size 16 pants and can wear a size large top!  I have not been in these sizes since 7th grade!  I am so happy amazed at what I have accompished so far and know that if I can stay on track and avoid those snacks that I will accomplish so much more. 

This week I started training doing 6 miles on Sunday and then 3 miles on Tuesday (in the rain) and have been doing run/walk intervals as well.  I would like to get to the point that I could run part of the marathon.  Thinking back on the way I used to be I have to laugh because a year ago my theory on running was that it wasn't necessary unless you were being chased (and then that was even pushing it).  I would have never guessed that I like to run and that it makes me feel good.  Even though I am only doing intervals I am still getting a little of the "runner's high" that you hear people talk about.  Especially Sunday when I went for the 6 miles by the time I was done I felt so darned good I almost made another round, but the sun was going down and I knew that if I pushed myself too hard I might not be able to get out of bed the next morning.  So now my workout schedule looks something like this Sunday: distance walk/run, Monday: yoga, Tuesday: walk/run, Wednesday: yoga (or walk/run on PNC support group nights), Thursday: walk/run, Friday: rest, Saturday: walk/run.  I am hoping to be able to maintain this schedule throughout the summer and do not plan on using the "it's too hot out" excuse at all this summer, because I am now a big fan of the heat.  I know that I also need to pencil in some strength training but have to talk to my big sis about it first. 

I got my final back from my last class this semester and so I was able to calculate my grade.  I will be getting 97% in one class 96.5% in another and pass (it was a pass/fail class) on the other.  I am so grateful to be done with this semester, because now I can focus all of my attention on getting me healthy.  

I purchased an unlimited membership at CorePower Yoga on Friday and plan on doing yoga 5 times a week and walking around Lake Calhoun (or another lake depending on where I am at) 2-3 times a week.  I have gotten myself to the point where I an walk at about 3-3.5 mph constantly, but might try jogging some intervals as well.  

Saturday I bought myself some new workout clothes since all of mine were too big.  I am really excited to have new clothes, because that means I really am shrinking.  

My sister, the personal trainer, said that I need to get some free weights to work on specific muscles like my triceps to minimize the bat wings.  I got called skinny today by a co-worker who had been out of the office for a couple of weeks....I have never been called skinny before!  I really need to buckle down food wise though.  This weekend I made some not so good choices and need to get them out of the house.  I just pray that I can work this tool and get to my goal.  One person on 60 Minutes last night said that most people only loose a 1/3 of their weight, well I have passed that and have lost over half of the weight.  I just want to get past where I spent most of my life, to be less than 170 will be bliss!

After going to coffee in Maple Grove this morning I decided to stop by the Clothes Mentor a consignment shop located on Weaver Lake Road just off of 94 next to the JC Penny.  I was very impressed they have really nice name brand clothes for cheaper than some of the thrift stores I have been to and staff is great as well.  I picked up 3 pairs of dress pants and one pair of jeans plus a cute little top all for $54.  I was so happy.  Well I didn't try any  of the pants on there cause I was in a hurry and I knew that if they didn't fit now they would in the near future, but when I got home tonight I tried them all on and they all fit, not too tight either.  So, tonight I swapped out my 18's for 16's.  I don't think I have worn a size 16 since I was in junior high!  I am so excited.  

This afternoon I spent the day with my little sister.  We went and worked out together which was really fun, we pushed each other to do just a little more and went toe to toe with the weights, it was really great.  Then she suprised me by bringing me to get a Mystic Tan (spray tan that looks real) as a little treat for doing so well with loosing weight.  It felt so nice to have some QT with my little sister and to have her be proud of me.  I can't wait to bring the size 18 pants up to my mom (she had asked for them a while ago) and to be smaller than her for the first time in over 15 years!

Well today is day 3 of my battle to not snack and so far I have done fairly well with only a couple bites of my leftovers last night 2 hours after dinner.  I am happy that I stopped myself after only a couple of bites and put it back.  I really should have grabbed another glass of crystal light, but alas this is a habit I have had for over 16 years and I know that I am going to struggle with it, but I am determined to win this battle!

Last night I took out my chainmaille and started making bracelets again at the urging of all those at PNC support group who want to see samples in 2 weeks.  Tonight I plan to keep busy with homework though since this is the last unit before the final and I may be going down to Iowa on Saturday (depending on the weather).  

It feels good to be able to talk about my struggle with the food rather than keeping it to myself.  This way it is less secretive and isolating both of which I have learned can cause me to self-destruct pretty quickly.  I am so grateful for OH and all the wonderful people I have met I would have never been able to do this a year ago!