I hope I'm making the right decision...

Sep 09, 2011

My first blog post on OH!

A little about me.

I had a baby Jan 2011... I gained about 50 lbs during my pregnancy.

Several weeks ago, I was a mere 17 lbs away from my pre-pregnancy weight of 150, and 37 pounds away from my goal weight... I saw the light at the end of the tunnel, after months of struggling to take the weight off.

Then, in a nonsurprising turn of events, I fell off the bandwagon.. and I fell off hard. I avoided the scale for weeks, and when I finally did take a peek, I was up about 16 lbs. Meaning, I had 53 lbs to lose to get to goal.

THAT has been my pattern for the past 13 years. My first diet was in 1999, and my life hasn't been the same since. I was 20 years old when I went on my first diet. I was around 150 pounds. I then ended up in the yo-yo diet zone, and reached my highest weight of around 215 in June 2004. I took that weight off using liquid dieting and pills, and actually enjoyed several years under 140 lbs (with the help of diet pills). In 2008, I began creeping into the 140s. And by 2009, I was in the 150s. So I had a bit of a reprieve, but that went out the window when I became pregnant in 2010.

After browsing the boards, I see that I'm what is referred to as a Low BMIer or lightweight. It's true, I don't have hundreds of pounds to lose. A mere 35 lb loss would make me visible again to men, and with 60 lbs gone, I'd be a showstopper. But my struggle with taking off and putting on the same 20 to 50 lbs over and over again has made me a tired woman. I'm emotionally drained, my self esteem is gone, and I just feel defeated. I don't believe in myself anymore. I can't live like this forever. I have to do something drastic. I'm hoping that the gastric sleeve is the answer for me. Something that will be useful during the times when I'm not "perfect."

I have lots of periods of "perfection," but they always fail. That's what I've come to realize. I no longer hold the delusion that I can turn things around on my own. It doesn't matter how determined I am, how many vows I make to myself. In the end, I always fail. That sounds harsh, but if I look at history, it's the truth. I can't let my 30s end up like my 20s did. I still look young, I still am beautiful, and it's time to make a change now.

That being said, I'm scared! What if something went wrong? I could lose my life! But at the same time, in some ways, I'm already dead. I live to eat. I barely go out the house because of my weight. How can I give my son my best when I feel and look a mess?

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