awakening

Jan 19, 2012

the dress wasnt so flattering. but i tried. big difference from how i used to look at least.

so here i am. i'll be 31 this year. been floundering in lala land for many years. i'll be five years out this june actually. five. the scale says 146. i'm a big flabby mess with no boobs. can u tell i dont feel sexy?

so in october i met a man. we became head over heals pretty much crazy for eachother instantly. it was that rediculous love at first sight, over the top infatuation where we thought we had found eachother at last............... there is obviously a big part o fme that is still realing from that experience.

i never really wanted to Date AL. he had viewed my profile numerous stalkish times on a dating site and i steered clear. i finally facebooked him and we texted for a few months.. none of which i ever got the feeling he was that "into" me.. that he was just a friendly guy, a bit lonely, somehow he didnt have a lady. I finally met him for coffee.............. it was a full moon and Al and i never left eachothers side after that.  

my issues:
he is absolutely obsessed with appearances and buidling his physique. which, he has done quite well. he's gorgeous and.. all muscley and stuff. he watches youtube videos of people working out. he works out in the basement (hot)...... oh i failed to mention Al moved in two weeks after we met............................................................

........i'm surrounded by my deepest insecurities. we dont have the type of relationship that I am used to... which is based solely on the phsyical. we dont have much of that at all............... in our crazy infatuation we did. now..... nothing. and i'm overcome with feelings of inferiority and disgusted with myself. and the feeling that i'm not good enough: rejection.

i know i've come along way. so i've lost 110 lbs. and it shows. i never wanted to date Al because before i even met him my feelings of worthlessness and disfiguration were cropping up and i'd cry that i couldnt be loved because of this new gross body of mine. not to mention my fucked up hair loss issues i've always struggled with. i'm a mess.

so i try to exude all this confidence. but i cant fake that day in and day out living with a man. i'm torn and broken and scarred and wounded.

i dont want to be stuck in the past. i want to "rise to the occassion" as one of my hard ass professors would always say... and face my fears and somehow tone up and look better and stop fully hating myself.

he is not mean to me. he is not trying to pressure me. he is not doing anything differently than he always has done. he is who he is and now he is in my life... for a reason, for many reasons. one of which is to inspire me to be the best person i can be.

but i have to get over feeling like i cant. feeling terror of gyms, feeling like i will be ridiculed by the fit people, glared at by the hot bodies. he's nice. but he's one of them. i'm dating one of them! he sleeps in my bed every night and i wake up to him every morning! how did this happen??????????????????????????????????????

"i'm pretty just the way i am" okay.............thanks. really. but it's time to grow. i'd like to be with Al, comfortably. i need to start trying to tone up what i think has been a lost cause, my body.

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