nwilbar
I've been struggling with food since the age of 6, when things started to go awry in my house. I won't get into details because I don't want my entire family history displayed on the internet, but suffice it to say that things were difficult for me growing up, and very traumatizing. My parents didn't know how to handle my response to the trauma or any emotions that I had, so I had to shut down the emotions. From that point forward, I stuffed all my emotions into my body by turning to food. I cut my body off from the rest of me, and disowned it.
I also used food as a means of differentiation from my parents as I became an adolescent. It was my way of rebelling, of making myself different from them, and of claiming my space (physically and emotionally) in the world. Lots of weight makes for good boundaries, and my parents didn't have any. As time went on, I just became bigger and bigger. My mother did the best that she could to govern what I was eating, but she couldn't really exert too much control.
Then in 1997, I was in a car accident and I got Fibromyalgia. Walking, which had kept my weight teetering around the 200 mark, became an impossibility. As I began to do less and less physically, I gained even more weight.
Fast forward to 2006 and I weigh 285 pounds. My dieting history is the same as everyone elses, so I won't bore you with that. I have looked into weight loss surgery several times through the years. The last time I considered it, I read all the obituary pages here and decided it wasn't for me. Then came the Lap Band. Now there's something I can consider. Meanwhile, my doctor had recommended that I go to the comprehensive weight clinic at Mass. General Hospital, and I was waiting for my referal to go through when October of 2006 rolled around.
It was on the anniversary of a significant trauma in my life that I finally got an appointment with the clinic. It's funny because this became a day of freedom and peace for me. In looking into the program, I realized that surgery was one of my options there. When I started to think about the trauma and how it unfolded, I realized very suddenly that I had a choice. It was an epiphany kind of moment. I realized that I could either re-live those memories, and perseverate on something from the past, or I could live in the present moment and plan for the future.
I do not live in the past anymore and the past cannot hurt me. I realized that I have a great family who love me and want what's best for me. I have a loving husband, a beautiful son, and parents that, despite their foibles, have always wanted the best for me. And despite umpteen failed diet attempts, I know now that each day, each moment is new and fresh, and a choice to do something different. Regardless of everything that has happened in my past that has made my life difficult, I finally get it - that I CAN change.
I am anticipating having surgery and hope that I will be approved. My first appointment at the MGH weight clinic is on 11/29/06. But I am not waiting to begin living my life. I am living it now.
