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 One year ago, I sat here clicking on before and after photos, not daring to dream that maybe, just maybe I would have my own before and after photos.

Two years ago, I went to my daughter’s college graduation.  I could barely walk.  I had just been to the doctor and he gave me the news that in addition to my hypertension and severe sleep apnea, I was now diabetic. Her entire senior year, despite repeated pleas from my daughter, I never went to her apartment – I never saw where she lived – just the parking lot.  She was on the third floor – and I couldn’t handle the stairs, and there was no elevator. 

Two years ago, I began the monthly visits with my primary care practitioner in hopes that I could manage to get my weight loss surgery, which at the time I expected to be the RNY Gastric Bypass.

Once a month, I went in to visit my doctor, where we tried to chart a course out of the sea of morbid obesity and despair, and out of the co-morbidities that were beginning to fill my medical chart.  I was on two different diabetes medications including an injectable, Lasix, another diuretic, potassium supplements to counter the potassium loss from the diuretics, blood pressure meds, and migraine meds.  Nothing was working.  My blood sugar was just getting higher, as was my blood pressure.  My ankles were swollen beyond belief despite taking two different diuretics daily.  I was miserable.   My knees hurt and I was on crutches half the time.  I remember asking my doctor if I was going to live long enough to have the surgery.

Somehow I make it through the six months of regular doctor visits.

The coast was clear – all I had to do was make an appointment with a bariatric surgeon.

Then inertia set in.  I decided I could do it without the surgery – after all, how hard could losing weight be?

Finally in April, after watching my health continue to decline, my friend Liz had her RNY Gastric Bypass.  After a few weeks, something clicked inside me.  I knew in my heart it was now or never. 

I went to an information session for people interested in weight loss surgery.  And I cried.

I was determined to do that, especially since I was facing a possible loss of my secondary insurance, which would cover the surgery.  My primary insurance had a weight loss surgery exclusion.

Less than a month later, I had my Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy.

For the last year, my weight has been dropping.

I haven’t reached my goal yet – that is something that I hope to accomplish this fall.

But there are so many things I can do.  First,  the obvious “cans” – graduating from the plus size department into the misses department – going from 4X tops to L and XL tops; 32 jeans to 14 and 16 jeans.

Even more importantly, I feel incredible.  Yes, I know I look better, but it’s how I feel that is so remarkable.

For the first time in my life I can honestly say I am happy – not euphorically happy, not having just a great moment, but a kind of contentment.  I still want more – it’s not complacency – I think it’s the beginning of my acceptance of me.

I’m learning how to be a girl – how to dress, wear makeup, and even how to behave around people.

Is life perfect?

Of course not – I have bad days like everyone else.  But no longer is every day a bad day, and the good days simply a rare exception; instead it seems to have completely flipped around.  Now most days are good; the bad days are few and far between.

I no longer have hypertension, sleep apnea, diabetes, knee problems, and migraine headaches are a rarity. 

A year ago, I couldn’t walk from the parking lot to Walmart;  I had to be dropped off at the door, and could barely walk long enough to do my shopping.

Four months after my surgery I completed the Light the Night Walk – a 3.5 mile walk in support of the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.  Two of my kids walked with me – and I did the entire course without stopping to rest, and without becoming short of breath.  I confessed later that I was afraid that if I stopped I might not finish and I was committed. 

A year later, I can do almost anything.  My whole attitude towards life has changed. 

I am convinced that my weight loss surgery saved my life;  it also gave me a quality of life I have never experienced.

I am asked so many times do I have any regrets about the surgery?

Yes, I have regrets – so very many regrets.

I regret that I could not have had the surgery in time to see my daughter’s apartment and to enjoy her graduation weekend – I regret disappointing her so much.

I regret missing so many functions for my kids, because I just felt so awful and couldn’t move.

I regret the vacations where I sat in front of the computer and everyone else felt obliged to stay in the condo too instead of going out and enjoying the beautiful beach.

I regret all the money I wasted on fast food and junk food.

I regret being a crappy wife to my husband and a crappy mom to my kids – they all deserve better.

I regret spending a lifetime morbidly obese – this has been going on since I was 13 years old.

I regret not going to prom, not doing so many of the things that everyone else takes for granted.  I was too fat to have a date.

I regret all the opportunities missed.

I regret the decades of self-doubt, of feeling like a loser, and of never accepting myself.

I regret settling for being told I “have such a pretty face if only…”

I regret squandering so many years of my life.

I regret not having the surgery earlier – that’s honestly the only regret I have!