don't stop believing!

Jul 08, 2011

i am down to 194 today. i played "fashion show" with myself, my iphone and my mirror when i had insomnia tonight! my friend gave me some awesome clothes and i cannot believe how CLOSE i am to fitting into a size 12. i am doing fabulous in that arena. the SIzES just keep melting off. sometimes when i weigh myself and i have a big loss week, like this week was 6 pounds [!!!!!] i am just in tears on that scale. i know it's silly, but i just thought it might not work for me. and here it is WORKING and i feel so amazing. i can do more than three "events" in a weekend now. i swim with friends. i walk. i go out and have dinner. i shop! it's a wonderful life.

i love my new pink hair. it gives me confidence like my tattoos do. i am not sure why, it's not really about standing out. i think it's about not being afraid of facing joy and color and my humanity! i wear a lot of color now. yellow... pink, stripes! who would have thunk it? a fat girl in stripes? haha.

i have a good couple of friends who are weight loss surgery "survivors" and it's so nice to be able to text someone and go "GIRL... now how did you do this?!" and to have a friend who writes me back and says "oh just WAIT..." haha. it's so awesome. i love that about the community. we all go through something nobody else understands and i derive GREAT strength from it. [whoo. my nails are so long right now it's hard to type! my little sublingual i take [b12 and biotin] i think make my hair and nails grow something crazy.]

i have had some issues with being tired this week, but i managed to be outside in 102 degree heat setting up my booth for my art on the town square... and PLUS work it from 4-8:40pm in that heat without freaking dying! that was so great. now, i am not gonna lie, heat makes me crazy at first, but after i was out there, i settled down. my body got into a groove and i started to relax and i think that helped. for many years my blood pressure would get so high when i was hot, that i think now i just psych myself out about it. i am learning to LET GO of the old me. it's difficult, but i know i can overcome!

my arms have some flippy flappy underneath, but i am going to start swimming again when the doc says it's okay... i know that will tighten it all up. i am not sure about my loose thighs. haha! they are hilarious. but you know, i am not going to shy away from my shorty shorts and my cute panties over some loose skin. hell, it's just me around here and i am the ONLY one looking at my naked self. so what right??

my daughter hugged me and said "mom, now we make a complete hug" the other day, and i cried. she is such a good kid. there is a kanye west song i love, but she asks me to change it because of the F-word in it. haha. i dunno how i raised a good girl, but i sure did!

i am trying to keep it simple and be healthy. i will admit i don't eat like i should. not junk food, but just, not eating. i keep thinking my appetite will slowly come back, but right now, i am eating less than ever. i am lucky to eat one meal a day. i do supplement and i am honestly doing all my vitamins and i still MOVE, but i am tired more than i should be. if i were eating more, i know that wouldn't be an issue as much.

i have not allowed myself a trip to Victoria's Secret, but i think it is in my future. when i am below my lowest weight [179] that i can remember in my adult life... maybe that will be a good reward! i do need new panties though!! but VS is kinda spendy and i am an artist, by choice [so no complaints] but it's not a wealthy man's game. at least not yet!

i am excited for myself right now. i looked in the mirror tonight and i said "girl, you are looking good and don't let anyone take this away from you... not even YOURSELF!" a friend told me tonight in an email that she has learned to celebrate happiness and joy, not be defined by sadness and pain. i loved that. it's so true. i think of all my little demons inside and out, the struggle to DEFINE myself as a happy, funny, intelligent and creative woman is by FAR the biggest lifelong goal i foresee.

i wish you all nothing but health and happiness.

my confidence is materializing and i am overjoyed with how good it feels to finally say "i am WORTH it."

this surgery made me lose a lot, and FAST... so right now i think my goal is to accept that i *am* worth it, i *am* strong and i do NOT have to fail just because my stupid brain thinks self-sabotage is familiar and easy. **I** create my destiny and my outcomes, not something beyond me. **I** make myself into the person i wanna be.

(and yes, it is scary. yes, it feels strange and at times, i think "who do you think YOU are, getting all skinny?")

and you know what? i just have to stop and say:

**I** WAS THE FAT GIRL FOR 30 YEARS!!!
**I** AM THE WOMAN WHO JUST FIGURED OUT I WAS BETTER THAN THAT!!

boom, right?

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