pfenix
After being overweight since I was a child (I'm sure many of you can relate to this) and being told, by completely clueless parents, that I was perfect except for my weight, I've been forced to face things the hard way. I loved food (still do)...what could be better than something to create an amazing self-defense system that kept most people away AND gave me great physical and emotional comfort. What's not to like?? Well, I didn't know that I wasn't liking myself. I was cute, smart, talented, and very precocious...what's not to like? Now looking back I realize that I have spent years punishing myself for my lack of perfection while simultaneously running from my fear of perfection...when I didn't need to do either. I've also realized that most of us spend the greater part of our productive adulthoods trying to sort out our disfunctional childhoods. And I am no different (not particularly perfect).
During my life, I've lost significant weight and gained significant weight (always more than I started with) too many times to count...all of this starting at age six when my parents felt it was time to get me into perfect shape. Finally, I realized that "dieting" as I understood it was not working...in fact I went from a chubby child to an obese adult by the time I was in my early twenties. For a while I tried the known food substitutes (speed from a doctor...meth and coke from my street doctors), but they made me nervous and I prefered the downer feeling of food.
I've found, so far, the most effective method of weightloss to be major physical illness. When I was in my 20's, I had severe gallbladder disease which almost went too far because I was a college student and had no insurance (this basically curtailed my eating and sleeping), in my 30's ovarian cancer (need I say more), and in my 40's a complete physical, emotional and psychological breakdown that lead to a loss of my job (college English prof), my home (a nice one in Oak Forest), my identity (if I wasn't an impressive teacher then I was nobody), and my health (last year I was hospitalized 6 times and almost died twice). Well, it seems pretty dramatic...but I lost weight each time...and then gained it back +.
Now where am I? It's been almost a year since my last hospitalization, I've had physical rehab and am walking again, I'm collecting disability, vending jewelry on the side, pursuing certification as a master herbalist, and trying to keep focus where it belongs...on me...my health, my spirituality, etc. I miss teaching; I love teaching; it's all that I ever wanted to do; however, I learned after loosing a tenured position that it WILL kill me. Right now I need to do what will heal me! I've considered obesity surgery in the past and attempted through the help of a lawyer to get my insurance to budge on the "no weight loss surgery" clause...but, of course, that didn't work. Now that I've done my time on disability, I have medicare and plan to use and abuse it. My hope is to have things set up to go by the end of the summer because I've got all other aspects of my life sorted out for My Life, Part II. Last year at this time my friends were crying over me and preparing themselves for my passing, but clearly the Goddess had some plans for me. I'm eager to find out what they are and am not willing to let my body be a shield from my life any longer!
pfenix
The Cosmos is in Perfect working order.
