Pinkshell4u

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Yesterday was my anniversary and I didn't even realize it. It's been a long twisting road with lots of obstacles. I think the last couple of years have been the best, in that I am learning the lessons I should have known from the beginning. I can't outline just what has worked for me because it's way too convoluted. My truths have become: I CAN'T have wheat or dairy....they are the driving force of my past failures. I NEED to put a vitamin in my mouth every day so that my brain will continue working. I'M RESPONSIBLE for moving my ass as much as possible, the more movement I can manage, the better off I am mentally and physically.

Almost 2 years ago I began my recovery from alcoholism and drug addiction. This made all of the rest of the changes in my life possible. I continue to follow a 12 step program.

My marriage has survived all of these changes and this August will be 23 years. Amazing.

WLS gave me a gift. I abused it for a long time until I dealt with the underlying issues that got me to 320 lbs to start with.

Well, it's 2 years since that day they cut me open and re-routed my insides. Seems like so much longer. I've learned sooooo much in that time, good and bad. I live a pretty normal life now, its almost as if that fat girl was a different person. Here are some points and observations of living through gastric bypass (my experience and opinions, so take with a grain of salt yall!)

* I lost all my weight in 8 months......dropped to my lowest at 134 lbs and then gained up to what I am now....145 lbs. 
* I'd like to weigh less but thats just my vanity talking, I'm fine in a size 8-10. I even wearr a bikini and dont look hideous.
* I eat badly and I know it. Admitting it is hard. I try to eat enough protein but manage to fail miserably.
* I have found that there are foods that I CANT tolerate and its probably good that I cant. I have not eaten ice cream, pasta, rice or bacon in 2 years. Its a good thing.
* I CAN eat 85% dark chocolate because the sugar percentage is very low, but the fat grams are gigantic. (I have to have chocolate at least once a month)
* Sometimes I still overeat or dump and have to lie down and recover and its miserable.
* I cant throw-up anymore. I mean, I have tried, but it just doesnt work anymore. I do dry-heave for hours though which is worse.
* Working out became an addiction that I burnt out on. Now I go sporatically.
* I dont tell people that i used to be fat anymore.
*I havent been back for any follow-ups with my doctor.
* My hair fell out BIG-time and is just now getting back to normal.
* I occasionally drink diet soda, white wine, beer and I chew gum like a crazyy person.
* I went thru a "period of adjustment" with my husband. He married me fat so when I got tiny it kinda weirded him out for a minute. He's over it, we've moved on.
*I feel younger and aspire to do EVERYTHING now. That alone was the best outcome of the surgery.

So much has happened, theres no way I could re-cap 18 months on one page. Anyway, here I am. I'm currently weighing in at between 140-146 lbs. on a daily basis. I would love to lose 10 more but I've kinda settled into a groove.I'm one of "those people" who doesnt exactly follow directions or do exactly what my doc told me to. For example, I dont take a daily vitamin BUT I DO get my bloodwork done bi-monthly to check for deficits. So far I'm good in all areas, EVEN iron. Imagine that. I DO take a calcium supplement a few times a week because I'm scared of osteopenia (I'm 41 so menopause is just around the corner for me! ) My daily diet isnt that great.....it could be much better. For example, yesterday I ate 2 pieces of whole grain toast with butter and jam, a tall soy SF cinn dolce latte from Starbucks, a handful of crackers, 2 cups of salad with tuna, 2 glasses of white wine and 2 pieces of pizza. Please dont mail me....I know. I work out at the gym pretty regularly, the need to be active comes and goes. I tried to go everyday there for awhile but let me tell you, I burned out and didnt want to go back for a long time. I'm wearing a 8-10 and other than my saggy ass you would never know I was once a chunky monkey. I'm hoping to get some reconstructive surgery on my ass at some point, I think it would really help with my self-confidence. My boobs too (or whats left of them). I dont want implants but I would like the excess skin cut off, even if that leaves me with A cups, dont care. Other than that I feel great. I still dump big-time so I have to watch how I time my eating. I need to drink more water, I really suck in that area.

I blog sorta regularly here ------->    michelle-fatbgone.blogspot.com/

Come visit sometime!

Well, it couldnt last forever.  I got homesick for my old blog, its just easier to post to.  I will still be visiting OH, just not blogging here anymore.  If my pathetic life still intrigues you and you wanna visit my ramblings in the future just click here     New and Improved Michelle

Anyway, thats it!  Tata!

Well, lets start at the beginning.  Monday was my surgery.  Showed up on time, no problems.  In recovery I felt so bad that I woke up CRYING.  Bad sign.  My mouth and throat were TORN up.  My head was POUNDING.  This was supposed to be a regular old kidney stone removal with placement of a temporary stent.  Nobody told me nuthin, nobody seemed to know nuthin.  My doctor had left the building.  They held me until my headache subsided then released me with Keflex, Oxycotin and Urised.  Ok.  My DH relays to me that my surgeon met with him right after the surgery and said that when he pulled the old stent out of my kidney he found that my kidney was FULL of infection.  FULL. AS in, "no more room at the INN".  Pus-filled kidney for 3 weeks and I hadnt even had a mild temp? Wha? I have a follow-up at the office in 2 days(Wed.)

We get home Monday night and I feel like shit.  I take my meds and try to sleep.  Doesnt work.  Monday night turns into Tuesday Day.  I spent the day alone in the house managing my symptoms.  Misery. Tuesday night Joe goes to work.....he doesnt want to, I look bad.  I make him go, he cant miss any more days at work.  I spend the night managing my fever (100-101).  By the time Joe gets home (7 am)  I'm hanging on by a thread.  He says I look green/grey and I can barely stand up.  We all get in the car and drive to my follow-up appt.  I cry all the way, I know I'm infected I just dont know how bad.  We get there.  The doctor sees me and immediately admits me.  I'm much sicker than I thought.  They bring in a specialist, it seems I came very close to SEPSIS. After 23 bags of antibiotics, more sticks with needles than I care to recall and a LOAD of fluids, I'm home.  On Thursday I begged to be sent home, but the doc said NOPE.  I'm glad he kept me till Friday though, making sure all the mean bugs were dead. 

So here I sit now.  Recovering from my recovery.  Nothing has been done at home, only the basics....which means my kids are still alive and the house is still standing.  I've been dealing with piled up money issues and late bills, food issues (as in, none in the house), laundry, getting in touch with irate proffessors at my school, explaining to my sons busdriver that he cant make it to the bus on Tuesday morning because my husband didnt get the kid his MANDATORY vaccination for middle school and of course, clothes shopping for my daughter who has absolutely nothing to wear that doesnt have a stain on it.  A mouthful huh? and I've managed half of it since 4 pm.......its almost 7.  I'm tired.  So with my luke warm bowl of Wendys chili I bid you adieu.  I'll dream tonight...hell....I'll be happy just to sleep!!

I was up late last night with pain.  It got to be about 11 pm and I was feeling alittle hungry.  Hmmmm. I foraged in the kitchen.  Goldfish?  Sounded good, I could have 51 of the little cheesy tidbits.  I swear they were awesome, I ate them slow and savored each crunch.  I may have to do that again sometime. 

Anyway, 198 lbs.  The scale hadnt been moving and a couple of days ago I hit 199.  That was great but I figured I'd slingshot back up over 200. Nope.  Well, actually it will once I get an IV in me tomorrow.  I'm not concerned, I just want to feel better and I dont care if I weigh 20 pounds more after. As long as my pain is gone, I can relax.

I tried peanut butter on a spoon the other day.  Sounded good. Didnt sit well.  I didnt dump but I think my belly had a hard time processing it.  I've been scared to try more new stuff cause I hate feeling like crap for hours if it doesnt agree with me.  I promise to be more adventurous after I recover from Monday.  Oh and last night I grilled some steaks on the BBQ and they smelled SO good. I swear I was so tempted to just bite off a huge chunk.  Steak scares me though, I worry that I wont be able to chew it enough. I may try hamburger tonight.

I finally made it under 200.  The last time I was this small was about 8 years ago.  I went on a strict vegetarian diet and since I wasnt working I hired a trainer and worked out daily.  I got down to 165 lbs.  Didnt last long.  We moved and I had to get a job.  Combine new stress and lack of exercise, all the weight plus more came back on.  

My eating lately has been a struggle.  I had a cup of dry cheerios for breakfast, a small chili for lunch, and a cup of soup for dinner. 

Seems the closer I get to surgery, the more I hurt.  I hate taking those damn Oxycotins but they're the only thing that touches the pain.  So now I'm backed up again, story of my frikkin life.  

Tried a beef/bean burrito today, just ate the guts and it sat really well.  I knew I was eating it too fast, got those little chest pains we get.  It was very good though, so good that I started to worry I might dump from the grease.  Nope, its been 2 hours and I still feel ok.  I bought an order of Pintos and Cheese for later.  I'm trying to drink at least 6-8 cups of tea a day (8 oz cups).  I should be drinking more but I have to watch how close to eating I get, dont want to wash the food away too soon.  

My depression still looms like a black cloud around my head.  I cry because all I can seem to focus on is how to manage my pain. Its pathetic.  I'm worried about the first week of school and cant help but feel like a failure for not being able to be there.  Stupid, i know.  My husband cant understand why I'm always in bed and he gives me the "look" all the time.  I've tried to explain to him what kind of pain I'm dealing with but I dont think he really understands.  He just knows that he's having to do alot of the things I normally do and he doesnt like it.  Oh well.

Joe, Syd and my MIL arrived last night around 6 pm.  They were tired and dirty from that long drive.  After eating and showering everyone turned in early.  This morning they were up early, I didnt get up til 8.  Joe took his mom and Avery for a site-seeing tour for the day.  I feel ok, just took a painkiller for increasing pain. 

Needless to say, I feel alittle better.  I really thought I would lose more but beggars cant be chosers.  The pouch is on edge today, dont know why.  Had oatmeal this morning and it was fine.  Drank water and tea, and I think that cold water is the culprit.  Right now I'm downing a cup of cream of mushroom soup just to be safe.  I'll try some solids tonight.  My pain is at about a 4, creeping up to 5 but its only because I've been cleaning all morning.  I managed to get the kids rooms done and the two baths.  I'm working on laundry and the living room now.  The last 2 are the biggest, the kitchen and my room/bath. I'll leave those for tomorrow so I dont overdo it today. I should clean up outside too but I just may not have the time or the inclination to do so.  I feel a nap coming on.