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I have my Nutritional eval set for March 21st and my Psych eval set for March 23rd.  Now I have to do the thing I hate the most.........wait.  I'm happy that I have this blog.  I think this is the best website I have ever been on.  I would say that about 97% of the people here really are genuine and want to wish each other the best.  I have gotten a lot of answers to a lot of questions.  It's a great place.

I hate waiting to have these appointments, but I will see how much I weight I can lose between now and surgery.  I have lost a few pounds since last Thursday.  I am sort of proud of that.  It's been a struggle not to eat - especially when I get home after work.  I could smell DH cooking something to eat around 11:00pm last night.  It bothered me for a while, but I stayed strong.  

The way things are going, I may have my surgery scheduled for sometime in April.  I can see that happen.  I'm hoping that I have my insurance approval by April 9th.  I wonder if I do, how long will it take Dr. Davis to schedule me in for surgery.  I guess I'll find out.  I'll keep smiling because I know my time is on the way.

I have become so obsessed with losing weight and getting this surgery that I really can't think of anything else.  I wake up every morning and this website and losing weight is the first thing on my mind.  When I lay down to go to sleep at night, I know that I am one day closer to my new life.  It's going to feel good to see the scale moving down.  I'm looking forward to cleaning out my closet and getting some new things.  I'm looking forward to being able to walk without my thighs scrubbing and without getting tired.  Can I just buy one really nice outfit and look good in it.  

I can't wait to go home to my mother's and she notices the weight loss.  She'll be shocked, but I'm not going to tell her about the surgery.  I'm not even going to tell my kids.  I think I will probably tell my sisters-in-law, but that's it.  

At first I felt like I was taking the easy way out, but after reading blogs and message boards, I see that this is not the easy way out.  Making this decision and going through with it was the hardest thing I think I had to do.  I had to admit that I couldn't lose this weight on my own, that I needed help, and that I was letting food ruin my life.  I turned to food more than I turned to GOD.  That is a crying shame!!!  I looked at food like it was my best friend.  Now, I don't do that anymore.  I am trying to change my diet now before surgery so that it wont be so hard on me after the surgery.

I'm ready for the old me to come out of this "fat suit".  I really am a skinny girl in a big girl's body.

Well, I was able to schedule my psych eval for March 24th.  Now I'm just waiting to get the call back from the Nutritionist to see when they can schedule me.  If I had known I would have needed these appointmentsout of the way prior to insurance approval, I would have gotten them done a loooong time ago.  Now this is pushing things back for me to get this surgery to even be approved.  *sigh*  Oh well, I'm sure that GOD knows what he is doing.  I guess I am getting so anxious.  This whole ordeal is running me crazy.  

It seems like I can't get this surgery off my mind now.  Every waking minute I am thinking about it - almost like I am obsessed.  In the past week I have completely changed my diet and have started to eat much smaller portions so that I can slowly adjust to this new lifestyle.  I am doing much better than I tought I would have.  If I can just control myself when I am at home, I'll be ok.  I will try to drink much more water (even though I hate it).  

I'm sitting here now wondering when i will have the surgery.  I'm thinking sometime in April.  I'm hoping to at least know my surgery dateby the end of April.  I ahve so many things I want to do this Summer and this may make things a little difficult.  I think I will be going to New Orleans this Summer (August 1st), and I need a formal gown.  I wanted to have it specially made, but now I'm not sure.  I can give measurements, but who knows how I will look if too much time passes from the tiome I give the measurements until the time I get the dress.  Anyway, that would be a great NSV, but I want the dress to fit and look nice.

I feel like I am rambling on, so I'll move on to something else.  Catch ya later........

I had my appointment with Dr. Davis yesterday.  It went so much better than I ever imagined.  I thought my info was on it's way to UHC for insurance approval, but I have to get a Nutritional and a Psychiatric Evaluation to proceed.    Man!!!  Ok, so that was a bummer, but I'm glad that I called the Bariatric Center and they told me.  I would have been waiting for approval and wondering why I hadn't gotten it!  So, on Monday I am going to get the 1st appointments either office has available.  I'm hoping that they can help me out rather quickly.  I saw one Dr. near my home, and I am hoping that he can do both evals! (please, please)  Anywho, I have had a pretty smooth time so far.  I can say that I am very satisfied with how smoothly things are going for me right now.  I hope I can have surgery by the end of April.  I have to say, I have gotten addicted to this website and everyone has been so nice. Thanks everyone.

All I can say is, "wow".  I am meeting with my surgeon for the very first time today and I am so nervous, and scared as hell.    This is my 3rd time rescheduling this and I feel like changing it again!  I am already at the phase of questioning my decision and I am no where near surgery.  Deep down I know that I will not lose the weight I need to lose and keep it off without the help of surgery.  I am 35 years old and my health is horrible.  I am on anti-anxiety meds, depression meds, high BP meds, and I just got put on nitroglycerine last week!!!  Did I mention I was only 35 years old?!?!?!?   

I'm tired of taking all of these medications. Tired of my oversized thighs scrubbing and the lint balls that are now growing on the inner thighs of my pants.  I'm tired of being out of breath from walking 50 - 100 feet to my office from my car.  I'm tired of being winded from walking up the stairs from the den to my bedroom.  Now I am at the point to where I hate to try to exercise because I get tired so quickly - not to mention the horrible chest pains because my heart is working so hard. 

Sure I want to lose weight for my health and so that I can be around to be with my husband and children.  But I am scared.  It seems like our whole household revolves around food.  I have found myself lying in bed at night wondering what I'm going to have for lunch the NEXT day!  I've gotten up in the morning and while taking my shower I have planned out my entire day of eating - snacks and all.  Yeah, I try to say food doesn't run my life, but it does.  I have stopped cooking dinner for my kids at night because I can't cook and be around their food without tasting some of it.  The tasting leads to snacking, and snacking leads to a plate of food.  Then, of course your meal isn't finished without dessert.  After all of that eating, I finally make my way upstairs to do what?  Use one of my many work-out videos?  Of course not, I'm going to get in the bed and watch tv until I fall asleep.  Then an hour later I'm wondering why my acid reflux is so bad.  The sad part is, I get up the next day and do it all over again.

Deep down I know I need this swift kick in the a$$ to get me in gear, but I am afraid of the change.  I'm so afraid that I could fall off the wagon at the first family gathering.  Afraid that the Friday night dinners out with my husband will stop and he will be disappointed or resent me for it.  Afraid that....that...that I just might succeed with this thing.  Yes, deep down I am afraid that I will lose the weight, that I will no longer be dependant upon food for my joy.  What will I do without it?  Where will I focus all the spare time I have WASTED on thinking about and eating food?  Can you imagine?  I could possibly lose weight, look great, be healthy, live longer - and have extra time for a new hobby.  So why not jump in with both feet?  Because it's the fear of leaving behind the dependancy, the fear of the unknown, and the fear of really having to step up and take responsibility for my eating habits.  

Well, today I had my 1st NSV prior to surgery.  It may be small to some but it is huge for me.  My one weakness is cookie dough cookies.  It's like crack for me and it is the one thing that really sets me off.  Well one of my co-workers brought cookie dough into work this morning and baked the cookies!  She went on and on about how it was no big deal and that I could only have one - that I didn't have to eat a lot of them.  She just didn't understand.  I can't even smell them without eating 6 at a time.  Well, the smell of cookies is in the air, and the plate of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies is a mere 15 feet away from my desk, neatly placed on the office wetbar.  I can see them and smell them, but I refuse to eat one.  I would die of hunger before I let one of those cookies so much as touch my lips.  I feel somewhat accomplished this morning, because who's to say that even a few weeks ago that I would not have indulged with the rest of my co-workers in their morning "cookie fest".  But not today!  Today I was strong.

Today I had to have a stress test for my heart because I have been having chest pains.  I got so tired on the treadmill that I was embarassed.  Anyway, Emory called to tell me that Dr. Davis needed to reschedule my March 5th appointment and I rescheduled it for March 19th.  Parnella was disappointed  that I didn't take the Thursday appointment.  Now that I have had time to think about it, I will go ahead and try to change it to March 6th so that I can go ahead and get this show on the road.  All of these medical issues have me so nervous.  I have been so indecisive.  Now I just feel nervous about everything.  I'm wondering when it will all end.  I have read blogs on this site about the surgery and some of it really is scary.  I love the "Before & After" pictures on the sight, because it does give me hope, but I am so scared.  I love eating and it is definately a part of my life and I am not sure how I will make it after this happen.  Well, while typing this blog, I went ahead and rescheduled the appointment for this Thursday March 6th.  I am so nervous that I can feel my heart racing.  I'm not sure how DH is going to deal with this.  I hope that he can be strong for me. 

Well, I haven't posted anything for a while because I had decided that I wouldn't get the surgery, and deep down, I was really happy with the decision I had made.  

Ok, about two weeks ago, I had begun to have some slight chest pain.  I kind of blew it off, but after it continued, I went to the doctor and they diagnosed me with Angina and prescribed nitroglycerine for me and asked if I had already gotten my surgery!!!  I was so surprised that they would even ask or follow-up on that.  I was a little embarassed that I had decided not to go along with the surgery.  The Dr. I saw was so nice and she said that she "strongly suggested" that I have the surgery.

Needless to say, as soon as I got to work, I called the Emory Bariatric Center to see what I needed to do to get things together to get this surgery going.  I was able to get an appointment to see the surgeon on Wednesday!  I am a little scared an I really am not going to make a big deal of the situation with my husband.  I know how he feels about doctors, hospitals, and surgery, and i am also a little nervous about him going to this doctor appointment with me next week, but it is mandatory that I have a support person with me for this first meeting.

I have to try to convince myself that I am not going to worry about what will happen.  I am going to pray that I make it through.  I have begun to develop more than a few health issues and I am beginning to become concerned about my health.  The difference this time is that I am not going to worry about it.  The LORD will place me where he wants me to be.

well, today i am a little antsy and want my doctor to go ahead and send the letter of necessity over to me.  i have finally come up with the money for the nutrition class.    

i have a vacation planned for April 15th with my best friend.  we are going to Vegas to hang out and i don't want the surgery to affect my vacation.

i am so worried, nervous, and scared about this surgery.  i'm hoping i will get my letter of necessity this week to send in for insurance approval.  i'm ready to get this show on the road.  i have some wonderful people supporting me.  one of my co-workers is just great!

i'm really worried about my husband though.  deep dwn he really doesn't want me to get the surgery, but he knows i need it and want it.  i told him he could have a healthy wife for about 15 more years or a happy healty wife for about 40 more years.     i hated to put it n those terms, but it's just the reality of it.  i hope that he will be ok with my decision.  i have my appointment with my surgeon on february 6th, so i hope that and concerns he has will be put to rest at that time.