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Wednesday is right around the corner....


I'm a little nervous but as Dr Z says I'm a "dirty filthy rock star"



BRING IT ON!!

Quick update...

Saw the surgeon on Thursday and I'm ahead of the game on the weight loss with the Optifast. So far I'm down 21lbs and surgery is still scheduled for Dec 8th.....if I can shake these cooties by the end of Novemeber.  I started feeling crappy Tuesday and after speaking with the WLS surgeon, he wanted me to go see my PCP just to see if it was a common cold or something more going on.  With that, I went into the Urgent Care Center (PCP is in process of changing offices and was unavailable) on Friday afternoon. I have a severe Sinus infection, double ear infection and bronchitis.... fun stuff. So I'm on a mess of antibiotics and still feeling crummy but have faith I'll be doing better at least by Tuesday. Dr Z told me that I need to be at least better by the Pre-Op date of Dec 1st otherwise we can reschedule it a couple weeks later.  UGH>>>>come on antibiotics!!!!!

During the week, I have to luxury of being in my office and getting reminded via Outlook Calendar that I need to eat. I also have the luxury of being occuppied to pass the day.  It's Saturday morning and finding myself wondering what I can do to keep my mind off not eating lol  I was not feeling well last night and still feeling a little under the weather. I don't know if it's the complete diet change or the Optifast but I'm having what I'm hoping as an unpleasant side effect and not a stomach bug. My wife will run out today and get me some Immodium and more fiber. Yesterday was NOT FUN....

Ok, I made it through my first day of this liquid diet.... and guess what?!?!  I'm still alive!!!  lol

I made sure I ate every 2hrs which, my body was telling me when it was time to eat. I had a bar at lunch and at dinner to make me feel like I'm 'eating' something instead of just drinking.  I ended the night with another shake and SF jello.  Went to bed and did think about some of the crackers we have in the cabinet but was successful in fighting the urge.  I'm a competiive person so it's a game for me right now and I WILL WIN!!  

Met with the dietitian on Monday and while I don't officially have to start my Pre-op diet until Friday, I began yesterday. And I'm struggling.....
Yesterday I made the mistake of trying to see how long I could go without eating, to stretch out my meals as far as they would go. BIG MISTAKE! By 5pm I had only consumed 436 calories... ughhh, I was ready to kill someone!  So I ended up eating 'real food' for dinner and tried again today. Now I have set my Outlook to remind me every 2hrs to 'eat'. Generally I'm doing ok but noticing that at the cusp of 2hrs (1hr 30min) I'm feeling hunger. I hold out until the 2hrs hits and then have whatever it is I've scheduled myself at that time.
I need to drink more water so that will need to be worked into my day somehow. I usually consume the majority of my water intake on the way home from work or while at home. Got to find that groove....

Ok, it's almost 2pm, must go get my shake....

Wednesday December 8th   !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PFT - check & cleared
Ultrasound - check & cleared
Pulmonologist - check & cleared
Nutrition assessment - check & cleared
2nd appointment for mandatory Physician assisted - check
Psychological Evaluation - check & cleared
Cardiologist - check & cleared


Sleep test - July 3rd
follow up with Pulmonologist on sleep test results - July 15th
Endoscope - July 20th
3rd and FINAL appointment for the mandatory Physician assisted weight loss for Aetna - Aug 10th
EKG (another) - TBA
Chest Xray - TBA
Optifast - TBA
Various blood work ups - TBA

and thennnnnn

Surgery date - TBA but think it will be Sept or Oct

I finally broke down and did my initial blood draw for WLS. I was upset because the Dr's office told me nothing to eat or drink, 10-12hrs before the draw. I went into the lab and they asked me if I had been at least drinking water. I told them no and she promptly gave me water to start drinking. Looked at the typical spot in the crook of my arm and said she didn't think the vein would produce......so after he eyeballing my wrist... she took it from there. NEVEEEERRRR AGAIN!!  Oh my LORD, that hurt so bad I almost passed out from the pain. She had to give me an ice pack after to get the swelling to stay down and I couldn't move my wrist/hand from the pain. It's still bruised and VERY tender. I know next time to float in there... regardless of the 'nothing to eat or drink' I was informed.  Not a good experience for someone that has panic attacks with needles.

moving on....

I have a PFT and ultrasound on Thursday (6/10), the meet with the Cardiologist on Friday (6/11). Next week I have my nutrition assessment on Monday, 2nd appointment for the mandatory physician assisted on Tuesday, psychological eval on Thursday and then finally appt with the Pulmonologist on Friday. WHEW.... busy busy busy. I also scheduled my Endoscope for July 20th. Fear is already coursing through my veins on that aspect of the IV....UGHGHHHHH

I'm trying to sell a few things to make sure I have plenty of $ for the program fee of $1800 plus the $500 for the optifast they want me to drink for 4 weeks before surgery. I'm still stressed about the $, always worried that something else will pop up that eats into the savings fund I have for this. Hell, the windshield on my truck needs to be replaced from getting hit with a stone couple weeks ago. Lucky me, it hit low enough that it spider-ed into the edge of the glass and it can't be repaired.
There is always something that seems to come up....

I'm usually a very private person. I'm outgoing and always try to make others feel comfortable but I keep things close to my chest. I use to call it job hazard others call it being reserved. I just finished writing an email to my assigned secret pal, Jodie, and found myself just typing away and straying off subject. I proceeded to delete what I wrote and decided to put it in a blog to share with everyone.  I can state things matter of fact without scraping the wall of emotions, for the most part. The following is walking that fine line of the two.

It's depressing how fat I've gotten over the past couple of years. Between depression from an abusive relationships, dating complete psychos, multiple abdominal surgeries and steroids for my back....it's been rough. Up until 2001 I was a deputy sheriff and quit after being injured in the line of duty. I had always battled weight my entire life. I found that when I kept active, it stayed off. Well when you have a bad back, that can limit your life, immediately. But let me back up a little....
Many of the people on this planet will say "If only I could get back to what I weighed in high school"...I'm one of them. For however brief a time it was, I was 160-170lbs. I played tennis, softball (how typical I know), was on the downhill ski team, basketball, I'm sure you get the picture. I didn't have a stomach, but I had the hips, thighs and ass (thanks Mom). Then in '93 I had my first car accident. I was laid up in bed for 6 months, unable to even dress myself because of my inability to bend due to back pain. They wanted to do surgery but I refused, I didn't want to crap roll maybe never walking again.

To make a long story short, I had some improvement. I even started doing things until, little by little, my back started acting up a few years later. I know now that it was because I was gaining more weight. I would try diet after diet after diet to get it down again without risking injuring my back with any sort of intense exercise. I was able to pass the entrance exam and was hired on as a deputy, only if by the skin of my teeth. I managed to get some of the fat off and rebuilt with some major muscle. It felt so good to be buff! I was competing in cycling races (mainly mountain biking) and trying to be as active as possible when you pretty much live in a patrol car and work 12-14hr days. Then after a few more accidents, steroids for my back, I started packing on the weight again.
I was diagnosed with severe Endometriosis in 2004 and subsequently had to have a complete hysterectomy. I wasn't able to go on HRTs right away (had to wait 6 months) and honestly fell into this deep depression. I didn't want to do anything and that is when I really started to gain weight. When time came to finally go on HRTs, that is when the reports started coming out about how it increased chances of stroke, heart attack, cancer etc. I said No way!
Then my back got worse and worse. I would throw it out stepping out of the shower, bending over to pick up a coffee cup, stupid crap like that. I felt hopeless....crippled. That's when I met Paula. I don't know how the hell she stayed with me. Here I am, this mobility limited, fat, could throw my back out at any time, lump. That's what I sometimes feel like.. a lump.

Yet, God Bless her, she still wanted to be with me. She is absolutely beautiful, both inside and out. Oh did I mention she's skinny? LOL, she's put on about 20lbs since we got married but I know it's because she isn't active and become a coach potato like me. I had one back surgery in '08 to save me from pretty much being paralyzed the rest of my life. I still have incredible pain now, but I know I have to get this weight off before ANYTHING will change. I know I need additional surgeries, but what is the use when you are 50lbs away from hitting 400? How damn depressing is that number? OMG, what the hell happened to me? Where the hell did it all go wrong? 
Paula is completely supportive of me and wanting to do this. I know there is a long process to get to the surgery, as awful as some parts may be to me, I will do everything I can to get there as quickly as possible. I want to show her all the incredible places I've been. Show her hidden treasures that are only accessible by bike, kayak or backpacking the wilderness.


But most of all, I want to have a life with her and not cheat her of 'moments' because I'm too embarrassed to go some where or do some thing. Or the biggest one of all, because I died from obesity complications (thank God I don't have anything right now other then joint/back issues).

It just seems so far away and sometimes impossible to get there....

I've been depressed the past two days because I'm looking at my insurance and the costs that are adding up on just a few appointments. I think the biggest thing is that each and every time I walk into the Dr's office they are charging me $250 PLUS the Dr's fee of just under $300.  I've reached my out of pocket deductible ($2500) and my biggest concern is that they are going to want each balance paid in full before I come back each month for my physician assisted WL appointments. I also, in addition to the insurance deductibles, need to finish saving for the program fee of almost $2000 which is out of pocket expense.

I'm stressed over it and perhaps I need not be, but I am. Money is always a stress for a majority of people and even more so with me. I have financial obligations to my family to help either my Dad or my Gram with prescription costs along with the cost of my own prescriptions. Anyhow, I started looking at various things I have around the house that would bring in some relatively decent money if I sold them. I'm just afraid I'm not going to have the money I need to have this done.

Sorry, I just needed to vent and I'm sure I'll make it through this struggle somehow

hope everyone is doing well in their own journey and enjoying some of this warmer weather, now that Spring has finally sprung!