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So today I went to my friends new house. It was AWESOME! But the whole time my mind was just thinking how fat I was and how uncomfortable I was on the couches they had. They just had gotten those small couches from IKEA and my butt filled the whole cushion while the GUY next to me only filled half the cushion. Now I am really lucky and know that these guys are my friends and it doesnt bother them, but being so large really does bother me! I really really cant wait till my surgery so can for once be the pretty skinny girl, not to mention the one who can go out and play football with the boys without being worried about running or about sweating.

I used to have a million friends and a social calendar that rivals Paris Hilton. When I got cancer, I completely shut myself off from the world. Looking back, I think I was tired. Tired of it all. Tired of being pulled in every direction. I also have a terrible time expressing my feelings and asking for help. Now I still have friends, but I no longer have a best friend. My best friend was no where to be found when I was diagnosed. I learned that she is one of those people that really only thinks of herself and is not capable to thinking of others. She is also the funnest and funniest person I ever met. I miss her but I couldn't take the disappointments any more. The last time we talked she was getting us evicted from our apartment, inviting people to live in our living room to supplement HER rent and having all night parties with music blasting while I tried to slept because I crazily worked two jobs while she did nothing but NOT pay rent.

Wow, I sound like a bitter bitter person but I'm not. I've just been hurt. I had cancer and of my hundreds of Friends only a few people even had the courage to call me and ask me how I am. So it's Saturday night and I am sitting at home alone. I had plans to go to a feast and canceled. I never want to go out any more and I think I may be slightly depressed but mostly just embarrassed of the way I look. I hate going out and being the only one not getting hit on. If we have to park too far from the bar, I'm afraid I'll start sweating and look gross. So I avoid going out. I am a social butterfly and afraid to go out! I really cant wait for a year from now. I know that I will still have problems but the everyday fear of being fat and sluggish and unhealthy and feeling unpretty will hopefully subside.

I have decided to change my life. I thought once I made a decision, everything else would fall into place, but it may have just gotten more complicated. I decided to change my career and eventually leave a cushy, high paying job to go back to school and be broke for years. I am so conflicted but finally realised that having a lot of money but not loving what I do with my life is not really the answer. It sounds cliche but the non money route is not an easy path for me. I have always had dreams of owning the boat and house on the ocean and not having to worry about money BUT finally decided I just cant sell myselft short for riches. It's just not me. And as much as it scares me, I have to follow my dreams.

As for my other change, I am getting excited to have this surgery over with. I really look forward to having this amazing weight loss and not the intense cravings. I am really scared and when it gets closer to the date, I'm sure I will be panicing but as for now I am ok. I have to get the courage to make an appointment with the shrink. I want to do this the right way. I also want to learn to meditate and get some accupunture. I need all the help I can get! ha ha

I was watching this show about obease people on the discovery channel and there was this lady who was over 400lbs. She kept going on and on about how she liked being fat and that she feels really healthy and great. I felt like going through the my tv screen and smacking some scense in this woman. First of all, I am 300lbs and feel slugish and lethargic. Often my arms, back, legs, neck, feet and knees hurt and I never fully (you know that deep down inside self) feel pretty. Maybe this lady has gotten past the stereo types people place on obese people and has appreciation for how she looks. If she has then I am happy for her. But she can NOT tell me she feels good and healthy. She weights 100lbs more than me and I am in constant pain some way or another. I get out of breath when I walk up stairs, I dread walking down the street sometimes. So this lady can not tell me she feels healthy and happy. It is ridiculous. I am all for acceptance for the obese, but I am not for promoting this killer disease. There was a doctor who said something really interesting. He said, "Society would not tell a thin diabetic, a heart disease patient, or a person with hypertension to just stop eating and your problems will go away. But society has no problem telling obese people to just stop eating." We need to get out the word that obesity is a DISEASE and should be treated with the same sympathy and apathy as cancer, diabetes, or even a broken bone. It does no good for an obese person to say they feel healthy and love being fat. That's like a cancer patient saying they LOVE their cancer and won't do anything to get rid of it. Society needs to change and acceptant needs to happen, but we should not promote being overweight. Next we'll have a Saturday morning cartoon staring Joe Camel promoting Big Macs!